it's officially over...

In the midst of weaning, I complained to a friend about how stressful it was to wean a baby who was "addicted to nursing" and had started being able to express his desire to nurse. I said, "I wish he would just wean himself -- rejection would be so much easier than this guilt I'm feeling!" She responded by saying that once the weaning period ended, or in her case almost ended, he would reject me and it would hurt my feelings.

I thought, "C'est impossible!" Not my baby. Not my baby who loves nursing!

Yes. It's possible. To test her theory, last night, I tried to see if he would remember and nurse again. He smiled, pretended he was going to nurse, and then pushed me away.

Undeterred, I tried again.

He pushed me away again. He *may* have screamed in anger that time.

WAH!!!!

That was me crying, by the way. He happily drank his milk when I let him have his sippy back. C'est la vie. He doesn't need me for milk anymore. Well, actually, he does need us to buy the milk. Which he drinks by the bucketfuls. Do you know how much bucketfuls of organic milk costs, people? Do you? Do you?

But, I digress. The point of this already long blog post was to answer Samantha's questions on my last post about my weaning experience. So...without further ado, here goes (Samantha's comments/questions are bold):

I am so happy to hear that it went relatively easily. Well...I think relatively easy is not the term I would use. To be frank, I've been trying to wean since early October. Since I work out of the home, I had slowly dropped my pumping sessions from four (!!!!) to none over 3 weeks. The problem was, though, that Grant was nursing MORE when I got home from work, through the night, and on the weekends. There were weekend days where he'd want to nurse every 2 hours. I felt like we were back in the newborn stage! It took me a while to figure out, though, that while it may have been because my supply was dipping, it really was more because he needed the comfort and bonding time. I think he was learning to walk during this period, so I think his mind and body were just going into overdrive.

The next stage of weaning started around the third week of November, by dropping the night feedings. This was HARD. As you all may remember, we co-sleep. Which makes dropping night feedings THAT MUCH HARDER. But, I realized he really wasn't drinking at night, it was more for comfort than hunger. So...I was ok with not offering any milk during that time. Basically, the first night, he woke up oh...approximately every hour, wanting to nurse. Tom, bless his heart, really wanted to help comfort him, but my beloved sleeps through anything. And I mean anything. Including a screaming baby, sitting up, crawling between my beloved and me. So, I held a pillow to my chest (in a futile attempt to block the smell of milk, but in a successful attempt to block G from getting to the milk), and I shushed and comforted him through what seemed like a billion minutes of blood-curdling screams. And he would eventually tire out and go to sleep. After 3 nights, where the wakeups decreased to one, we successfully completed this stage! He still wakes up once a night, but now, I'll pull him over and we'll snuggle and, usually, he'll put his hand on my face and fall back asleep. *heart melter!*

Next, I dropped the mid-day feed and offered him whole milk in a sippy. Cold milk. I thought about trying to offer him warm milk, but I really did not want to get him used that -- and daycare only offers cold milk. He really really hated this stage. Like, throwing the sippy on the floor, angry crying, flinging his body everywhere. At first, I kept trying to offer it to him while he was mad, but that just made him angrier. Then, I realized he was just way too upset to even think about drinking from his sippy. So I poured it in a bottle and, after he calmed down, I offered it to him. And he took it! I did need to get him used a sippy for daycare, so we eventually transitioned to sippy. Three days into it, I dropped the evening feed. This was surprisingly super easy. He would drink his sippy for about 20 minutes, while playing with me and Appah, and then he'd roll over and go to sleep. Three days later, I dropped the morning feed, which was the hardest because it is the one I think G loved the most. But I snuggled him and offered him a sippy, and voila! We were done!

Did you have any problems with engorgement or anything? Hmm...I think because my body had regulated itself and was a super efficient milk-producer, the engorgement wasn't as bad as if I had stopped when my body was ramping up its supply. However, the first couple of days, I had to hand express some because I was in pain. I definitely leaked a lot, so have a lot of breast pads on hand! I've heard peppermint tea or Altoids (because they have peppermint extract in them) help, so I was popping those. I'm not sure if they actually helped, but I had really fresh breath! ;) I was still in mild pain and the girls were really tender for about a week (which only really hurt when G occassionally flung himself onto me while we were laying in bed).

Had he slowed down prior to this? As I mentioned before, nope. He was still nursing on weekends all.the.time. However, what I noticed was that as soon as we were getting ready to do the hardcore weaning, he started eating a lot more solids. He had always eaten solids but never so heartily! And as soon as weaning ended, it seemed like he was an eating machine! He also never took more than 4 ounces of breastmilk out of a bottle, but now he can drink at least 6 or more ounces at a time. I'm not sure if this is just a coincidence because he turned one around the time I decided to wean, but it convinced me that we made the right decision to nurse until at least one year.

Well, that does it for Samantha's questions. I'm so glad she asked me because I think it'll be helpful for me to look back on it if I ever am so lucky to breastfeed another baby. The main piece of advice would be to only do it when you are emotionally ready, because it requires quite a bit of resolve to get through the tears and guilt. People said that I would feel free once I weaned, but honestly, I don't really feel free. I still feel sad about it. I would've nursed for a while longer, but I know we are doing this to be able to say we gave G the best shot we could at a sibling. I will say that I'm excited for the FET (but AF doesn't want to show - darn her!) and although I feared that my baby and I wouldn't snuggle, I was totally wrong. He seems to give me random hugs even more now, and they seem even bigger and warmer than before. And I.love.them. :)

thanks for the memories...

Actually, I wanted to title this post "thanks for the mammories" but didn't want to scare you off just from the title. ;) But, in case you haven't guessed yet, Operation Wean is officially complete! Not without tears and tantrums and meltdowns (from momma and baby), but we did it! And G is officially off bottles and breast, and onto big boy whole milk sippy cups. The morning feed was always our most important feed, so it was the last to drop, and today was the first time I didn't nurse him at all.

There was weeping and gnashing of teeth, for sure, but Appah came to the rescue with a sippy cup of milk in hand (I love that guy) and G took it and drank it like the big boy he is now. I couldn't help but feel a little sad, but I think I felt more proud at that moment. As G lay in the crook of my arm, and I patted him, I said over and over, "Good job, guy! What a big boy!" and I felt so thankful for 13 wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) months of nursing. It started out pretty rough, and I didn't know if I would even make it through two months of breastfeeding...then I said I wanted to make it through maternity leave, then 6 months, then I went through a frantic period of emotions as I tried to decide whether or not to wean early to get started on our FET, and then decided to relax and give G a year of breastmilk.

Wow -- what a year! And what an experience! A beautiful experience. PLEASE LET ME BE CLEAR: It's definitely not one of those things you need to bond with your child; but I'm so glad I got to share it with G. We tackled our first mountain and totally enjoyed the journey...eventually, at least. And we got through the rough valley of trying to wean. And now, we go onto bigger challenges and mountains as we find new ways to bond as momma and son.

In addition to his big boy sippy cup stage, he's also now in the 1s room at his daycare, and he's adapted like a champ. I was a little worried because he had THE BEST teachers in the whole wide world in his infant room, and his BFF had a rough transition to 1s a month ago, but when I went to pick him up yesterday, he was all smiles, dances, and cuddles. I'm so thankful for his easy-going personality.

He's also becoming quite the walker! He started taking steps about 3 weeks ago, and now he's getting steadier...a short video of this new feat:

Yah...he pretty much melts my heart with that smile whenever he falls into my arms after a walk. And then we clap and cheer for him. *We* being me, Appah, and G. The boy is such a ham!

I guess you might be wondering what the dealio is on the FET front. Let's just say that we're praying that the fall of 2012 will bring us a new bundle or two of joy. :) More to come...but in the meantime, please pray for AF to come soon, and for her to come back again soon thereafter so we can get this show on the road!

bhbc review: the lake of dreams

Well, I'm doing it again -- participating in the BlogHer Book Club, that is -- and today, the book club is launching a discussion about The Lake of Dreams, Kim Edwards' (author of The Memory Keeper's Daughter) newest novel.


Photo credit: Amazon

The Lake of Dreams is the story of Lucy Jarrett, a 20-something year old woman, who, after her father died suddenly the summer before she left for college, had traveled the world, leaving her home, The Lake of Dreams, behind. Lucy is an unemployed hydrologist, living with her boyfriend, Yoshi, in Japan. From the beginning of the novel, she appears to be haunted by her past, and when she receives word from home that her mother has been in a minor accident, she decides, at Yoshi's urging, decides to visit home.

Lucy returns home, surprised by the many changes in her family's lives and the town, and reconnects with her childhood sweetheart, Keenan. She accidently uncovers hidden almost century-old documents in the house, and, intrigued begins researching a long-forgotten relative. Throughout the novel, she struggles with her relationship with her family and her feelings about Keenan and Yoshi, even as she becomes engrossed in her search to find out about her mysterious relative. 

I was really excited to read this novel, because I really enjoyed Kim Edwards' previous bestseller, "The Memory Keeper's Daughter." For the most part, the mystery, the family relationship and the romance kept me interested in the novel. However, I will say that there were times where I felt like Edwards included too much detail that slowed the pace of the plot. Nonetheless, I liked the overall story and...on a scale of 5, I'd give it a 3.5 stars. :)

Note: I was compensated for this review as a part of the BlogHer Book Club program, however, the opinions are entirely my own.
 

525,600 minutes

Dear G,

Happy birthday! You are officially no longer an infant; you are now a toddler! We had a superfun party on Saturday at the farm down the road from our house. Lots of friends and family came to celebrate, and it was a perfect day to go and have an adventure together.

After the dust from the fun day settled, you and I snuggled together and, as you fell asleep, I realized that even though we had an amazing time (minus a couple of close meltdown-inducing moments for me), being there with you and Appah in that very moment was my favorite part of the day! As I laid there next to you, listening to your even little breaths, slighty labored from your perpetual day care congestion, I thought of that first night we met. Halmoni used to tell me that, although labor is painful and difficult, once you see the baby, all of that pain is overwhelmed by joy and love. I don't know if I ever believed her, but I will testify now that it is absolutely true. The minute I met you, nothing else seemed to matter and it was love at first sight.

What I have to add, though, is this: each and every moment since we first met has been better than the last. Even, and maybe most especially, the hard times because, in those moments, you have shown me what it means to be a momma. It's a tough job, and I'm not always that good at it. Sometimes, I lose my cool; sometimes, I don't give you what you need; and sometimes, I'm too permissive. No matter what, though, every moment has ended in a snuggle. It doesn't matter what I do or I don't do -- you just need me to be there for you, for now.

As I prepared for the party, I thought a lot about our journey to you and through this year. I also looked back at all the pictures we took this year. We organized them by seasons in our files, and I couldn't help but think of the song "Seasons of Love." Really, how do we measure a year? It goes by so fast. 525,600 precious minutes, and each minute, exciting or mundane, is a minute we'll never get back. But if we measure them in love, those minutes will last in my heart for as long as I live. Each minute is a thread in a tapestry that we'll be able to look back at and hopefully say, "It wasn't perfect, it wasn't always easy, there were some dark threads there, but it sure did turn out to be beautiful." And, even though I can only look at part of the finished product, I can already say that it was beautiful. That the dark spaces actually illuminate the bright ones we share now.

I would be remiss to not mention how much my heart ached that Eli couldn't physically be there with us on Saturday. It's a weird thing for me to talk about, because I don't think people like to think of such a "sad" thing on such a happy day, so I actually didn't share my feelings about it with anyone, not even Appah. But, as you know, the theme of the party was "UP!", so when I went to make the favors, I was looking for something to write on them and I remembered a phrase from the movie that I loved, "Thanks for the adventure. Now, go have a new one! Love, Ellie." When I read that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been feeling guilty towards you and Eli. For being reluctant to be 100 percent happy with you, and for being reluctant to move on without Eli. And when I remembered that phrase, I felt free. Free to remember Eli, and free to have new adventures with you every day. How I love my children is not a zero-sum game. I can love you both, and that love can be different and the same. So, in a quiet moment at the end of the party, I held you in my arms after you passed out, and we let a little red balloon go up into the sky, in hopes that Eli felt our love, and with excitement for all of the new adventures that lie ahead for our family.

Uncle Devan made a video of the day for us. I love it. He let me pick the songs. Of course, I love to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you because you are, after all, my sunshine :), so that had to go in there. Feist's Sesame Street version of "1-2-3-4" is your favorite, so that was a given. And I love "We're Gonna Be Friends" -- it just seemed like a perfect song for the day. The last song is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole. I love that song so much. And when he sings, "Someday I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....." You don't know how much I prayed to wake up to your smiling face...and now I get to do it every day. How lucky am I?

Thanks for making me a momma, G. I love you more than words can say. Here's the video so that you can look back someday at how handsome and precious you are in this very moment.

I love you so so so so so much, little guy. You are such a joy to me and Appah, and so many other people in your life. We're looking forward to making many more fun memories together!!!

Love,
Umma

chatty, dancin' machine

OK, wow. Two posts in one day? Just your luck!!!

Haha, I just wanted to post a couple of videos because they capture how fun it is to be G's momma. He's started chatting with us. I have no idear what he's saying, but sometimes he gets VERY serious. Sometimes, he'll pick up a book or paper and point to the pictures and words and read them for us. It's very serious business, folks.

This video, however, was taken this last weekend when I pretended to sneeze and G had to tell me what he thought about it. We were crackin' up!

Have I ever mentioned how much G loves dancing? He really, truly does. At daycare, the teachers call him their little dancer. He's recently started shaking his head like a headbanger when he dances. HI-larious. And when he's standing, he shakes his little hips. The boy has got some rhythm! He definitely did not get it from his folks...it must be from some my sibs....This video has some annoying singing in it, in which I completely botch the words to "Old MacDonald", but G dances a little, stands on his own, and congratulates himself with claps.

Hope you enjoyed these videos of our little guy. Although he's not a itty-bitty baby anymore, he is SO.MUCH.FUN. :)

P.S. I am SO behind on commenting on so many of your blogs. I'm so sorry. I love reading them but I've become so overwhelmed by everything going on right now...so I promise I will start commenting again, soon!!!

11 months: where does the time go?

You all. My baby will be turning one in 4 short days. WHERE IN TARNATION DOES TIME GO???

So...yeah, I'm behind again. AGAIN. But here is my big boy in his 11 month glory.

Doesn't he look like such a big boy?

He's a happy little fellar. We really lucked out in getting a kid with such a great disposition.

And he is so over these blockie pictures. Sadly (for momma) but happily (for G), this is his last monthly pic. That doesn't mean we're going to stop taking blockie pics. Maybe just yearly from now one. Or...how about semi-annually?

No?

Bueller?

Anyhoo...I have failed greatly as a mother in many ways, and one of them is not getting a picture of G in a pumpkin patch. We did take him apple-picking, but I think was too late in the season because the pumpkin patch there was nearly empty.

Apple picking at 11 months is not really a fun adventure for the kiddies, I've discovered. It's more for the parents who want to blog about the first time they took their kiddies apple-picking.

But, this is day we've long looked forward to, so we made the best of it. We didn't get a great family shot, but, hey, we save those for our professional photographer. ;)

Anyhoo...as I mentioned, I didn't get a good shot of G in a pumpkin patch. What I didn't say is that I didn't try to -- I just tried too late. So the pumpkin patch we went to had only sad little mini-pumpkins. Which, actually, I think are cuter than the ginormous ones. So we did a modified pumpkin patch a la our deck at our humble abode:

I don't think he cared one bit that he wasn't in a real pumpkin patch. And, to be frank, I'm sorta glad that he didn't get dirt on his pants. Hehe.

Um...I also had intentions of pumpkin carving...but...I didn't want to tackle that with mini-pumpkins...so....

Sharpie to the rescue!

Yes...I'm lame. Martha Stewart just threw up in her mouth a little.

But from what I've heard, Martha also did not show her daughter that much love...just sayin'. ;)

HOWEVER, where I failed in my pumpkin skills, I most assuredly found myself WINNING in Halloween costuming. Observe, and cry from the pure genius of our family get-up. 

  

OK...so maybe mine wasn't really a costume per se, but I did wear an In 'N Out shirt. And...maybe this isn't pure genius...especially if you have not experienced the deliciousness that is In 'N Out...but we just had to pay homage to the wonderful West Coast. We heart you, Best West Coast!

And...psst...this is one of the few costumes that are a) warm and b) do not require your very annoyed toddler to wear a headpiece-that-he-wants-to-rip-off-right-this-minute.

Anyway, our house is in full-party planning mode for G's first birthday bash for (eh-hem) about 140 of our closest friends and family. There were so many other people we wanted to invite but our guest list was already out of control. So if you happen to be reading this and you didn't get invited, I'm so sorry -- it doesn't mean I don't love you...I promise!

The party is outdoors at a farm...so if you get a chance, could you please pray for great weather? I'm super-nervous and can't believe I planned an outdoor party in November, but so far it looks like it'll be partly cloudy and 58 degrees. Fingers, toes, knees, arms crossed that it stays that way!!!

10 months: so behind, but having fun!

Friends...I am SO behind. I just realized that I never did a 10 or 11 month post!!! But you know what? We are having lots o' fun. I just don't have the time I used to have to sit and upload pics and blog about them. And, that's okay. Because those posts that I didn't write? I was snuggling my little silly monkey instead. :)

So...here's my sad excuse for a 10 month update...in which I will insert pictures and illustrate them with words, if I have them. ;)

It is getting increasingly challenging to take good shots of G and the blocks as he becomes more mobile. But, out of hundreds of pictures where I click away, I'll get one like this...where it shows my baby as he is -- simple, pure, joyful. This makes my heart so happy. He has been an expert crawler and loves getting into things. He still loves singing and dancing. I'm convinced we have a future pop star on our hands.

At 10 months, G went on his very first plane ride to California!!! We saw some very important people.

Weh-halmoni and weh-halrabuji (maternal grandma and grandpa) were so in love with him, and he with them. My parents are really young, so they used to joke that they were too young to be grandparents. But they're total naturals!

It seems like it was only a few years ago when I used to change this young man's diapers. He used to be my baby bro. Now he's my awesome college bro, who is holding my baby. And I change my baby's diapers. Wah. Time goes by too fast!

Here's one of my favorite sisters in the whole wide world. I used to "help" my mom change her diapers when she was a baby, too. Except I was only seven. So who knows how helpful I really was? That was only 14 years ago. Har har. Look at her now. (No, she's not 14, and I'm certainly not 21, silly.)

And here are G's first steps into the FRIGID Pacific Ocean. And, yeah, maybe there was a momma who was simultaneously freaking out and snapping pics because the water was, well, frigid, and the aforementioned baby siblings were, well, threatening to throw G into the ocean. Repeatedly. Did I mention the water was FRIGID? Punks. But isn't this a lovely shot? It makes my heart burst to see my baby and his appah.

Then, he met his cheen-harabuji (paternal grandpa) for the first time! They really dug each other. :)

And cheen-halmoni!!!

He also met his uncle, auntie and cousins for the first time. He loved being around the older boys. As you can see, the Ro legacy has been secured. My father-in-law looked at me very seriously and said, "Now you can have a daughter." Ha!

We were all there to celebrate his Tammy gomo's (paternal aunt) marriage to Uncle Devan!!! Unfortunately, Flickr is being a butthead and I can't download any photos of the happy newlyweds. *Collective BOO!*

We then went up to San Francisco for a short trip. No family photos. Boo. 'Twas chilly. :) But I'll just leave you with my most favorite pic of me and my little guy to date. Not because the lighting is great or because I look fabulous. But because we're snuggled up and loving the moment.

And that is why I'm behind. Because I'm cherishing these going-by-too-fast moments. Hopefully, I'll have our 11 month update soon!!! <3 <3 <3