beauty for ashes. joy for pain.

We went to another bloodwork and ultrasound appointment this morning. I asked Tom to come into the exam room to see the ultrasound of the little follicles...I like it when he's there, except when I'm telling him not to touch random things in the room when the doctor and nurse aren't there (yes, I foresee myself as the disciplinarian of the children--and probably Tom along with them!). But I digress. It's nice having Tom there because I have been praying that one of those little eggs will end up in our arms this fall, and it's exciting to see them on the ultrasound screen together. (Incidentally, the nurse explained where the follicles were, and when she left, Tom said, "Um...that just looked like a black screen of blobs...don't they have something in color?" HAHA!)

Today's report:
Estrogen: 391
Follicles: 12 on the right, 5 on the left -- two lead follicles are 13mm (they should start growing at a rate of 2-4mm per day from here on out.)
Uterine lining: 11.5
Next appointment: Tuesday morning!

The headaches continue, and today I learned that each of the follicles may end up being the size of a grape right before the egg retrieval--no wonder I feel so bloated, I have a whole vineyard growing in my ovaries! Haha.

This morning, during Pastor Sam's sermon (which was great, by the way!), he shared this lovely passage from Habbakuk 3. I've sometimes joked that I'm barren--which, in biblical terms, I am--and I've often felt like this whole part of my life has been a journey down into and through a dark valley...but the stars shine brightest in the deepest darkest nights, and so it is with God's steadfast, unfailing love and grace. Through this whole ordeal, we've clung to (sometimes by just a thread!) His promise to do what is best for us--not necessarily our best for us, but His best for us. Beauty for ashes. Joy for pain. So I'll stop here and just share the passage:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

wo(man) in the mirror

"Do you have children?" This is probably one of the most common questions a married couple hears (along with "When are you going to have kids?), particularly if they've been married for some time or if one of the spouses is getting older. I admit that, before our struggle with infertility, I used to ask my married friends this type of question. It is now one of the questions I dread and still have trouble answering.

Inevitably and understandably so, the conversations amongst married women/couples tend to steer towards the topic of children. Usually, I am okay with this...but, frankly, there are days when I wish I could dig a hole and disappear into it, especially when it is painfully obvious that I am the only childless woman. A few nights ago, I had dinner with a group of women from church, half of whom I did not know and all of whom have children. After about 30 minutes, one woman I had never met turned to me and asked, "Do you have children?". When I said, "No.", she responded, "Oh.", and stopped talking to me, turning to another woman to talk about daycare. Ouch. Yes, that hurt. I don't think she meant to hurt me or make me feel like an outsider, but those words were so painful to hear, and I really wanted to just disappear. But if I really think about it, I'm pretty sure that if my journey towards motherhood was easy, I probably would have done or said something similar. In fact, there are areas where I have easily accomplished my life goals, like my education and career, and I am sure there are instances where I asked something like, "Where did you go to school?" without a second thought.

I really debated about whether or not to write about this, because I don't want anyone reading this to feel bad about the things they might have done or said...and please, please, please trust me when I say that it is not my intention behind this or any future entry. And we have a lot of friends who have been so loving and compassionate toward us throughout this process. But I truly believe that God has used my experience with infertility to show me His heart and His love for everyone...and hey, there is no denying that this is a part of the infertility experience, and, really applies in all the areas of my life.

**Before I go on, I'd like to state that I LOVE my church and think there are a lot of things that we do well...and I appreciate it for so many reasons, but like any other church, there are things we can improve on.**

We've spoken a lot at our church about being inclusive of people from all walks and circles. It's hard, though, when most of the church consists of highly educated, middle to upper class, Korean Americans. Then you take the "older" segment of our English speaking congregation (meaning late 20s to 40s), and you add the elements of married, with children. So...if you are not Korean, you didn't go to college, you don't work in a white collar job, you're not married, you don't own a house and 2 cars, or you don't have 2.5 kids (or any combination of these factors), it can feel like you have no real friends, or no real place in our community.

I know that our pastors are intent on helping our congregation change this...not, as our lead pastor has often said, to have diversity for diversity's sake, but so that we can truly be a Gospel-centered church. I've heard that so many times, but I guess that I'm just beginning to get it. I mean, maybe we (me!) are just too "me-centered" and not "Jesus-centered" enough. I'm not saying that there's anything inherently wrong with wanting to connect with people that you have things in common with...hey, I like connections! And the fact of the matter is, life happens in different ways for everyone--everyone has their issues they want to talk about, and I'm all ears! But, sometimes, I go to church and I find I have so little to say or no place in any conversation when the whole conversation is about breast-feeding schedules or bar-hopping (it goes both ways...haha!). But rarely, if ever, do I feel excluded when people are talking about Jesus, how He has loved on them...and even, maybe especially, when they share their struggles with me.

Reading this over, I realize I may sound bitter to some of you. No, I'm not bitter...I may be broken and hurt, but I'm not bitter. And my heart aches because I know I could change up the facts a little and see how I may have personally hurt someone, or how someone I love has felt ostracized from the one place they should feel loved, accepted, and safe. I was recently talking to someone I love with my whole heart, and this was our conversation:

X: I'm not going to small group tonight because I'm stressed and I need to work out to relieve my stress.
Me: Jesus can relieve your stress.
X: Jesus is not always at small group.

I had nothing to say because I know it's true, and it broke my heart into a million pieces to hear that. And I've felt exactly the same way so many times.

Frankly, I don't know how to end this post. Mostly, I think, I'm writing this to myself, because we humans are strange creatures who forget pain too easily, and I want to tell this to future Tina. I also realize that, instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I have to be an agent of change--I need to pray to become more Christ-like, and see people as He does, not as I do, and hopefully become more like Him in the process. As Michael Jackson (RIP, MJ) once said, "If you wanna make the world a betta place, take a look at yourself and make the...change! Woo!" :) (Sorry for my lapse into corniness, I didn't want to end the post on such a heavy note.)

parting is such sweet sorrow....

Today was my last day at the Department of Transportation. It was so hard to say goodbye to the good friends I made during my 5 1/2 years there, especially to those friends in my division--what will I do without you ladies?!?!

I also had another monitoring appointment this morning. The uterine lining is at 8.5 (some unit of measure...I didn't ask...), which the nice nurse said is just about right. Then, the nurse only measured the biggest follicle on each size (I'm not sure if that's normal), but one was 9.5 mm and the other was 9.0 mm. I think the ideal size for retrieval is around 16-22 mm. I sensed that this was not ideal because she didn't say so. Sure enough, when my primary nurse called me this afternoon with the bloodwork results and instructions, she said that my estrogen level is 115 and that they are increasing my dosage of gonal-f to 225. I think this is to make the eggs mature faster. The dosages of the other drugs will stay the same, though. Our next monitoring appointment is Sunday morning before church. Hopefully they'll have a better idea about when the exact egg retrieval and embryo transfer will be then.

Tom has been sick with a cold for the past two days. I'm praying I don't catch it. I've had a wicked headache this evening, along with some nausea. Unfortunately, that means that we stayed home from small group tonight. So sad. :(

Well...that's it for now. I think I'll turn to the Olympics to root for Apolo Ohno and Team USA. (Wasn't Yu-Na Kim so lovely and amazing last night? I loved the Japanese-American girl, too! Can't wait to see her in a few years!) Good night!

**EDIT: Based on my google search (I LOVE GOOGLE!), clinics usually don't measure follicles until they are at least 10mm or so...and the follicles will soon grow at about 2mm per day...so I think everything's okay so far?

stretchy pants, anyone?

My visit to the doctor went well this morning. They saw 12 follicles in the right ovary and 7 in the left ovary, so 5 more follicles have appeared since my Sunday visit. The bloodwork came back and my estrogen level is 79 (I have no idea what that means, but I'm writing it down so I can keep some sort of record for future reference)...my nurse said that so far everything looks good, so we're going to stay on the same dosages of the injections.

The side effects today were a lot less intense than yesterday (although I'm so bloated that none of my clothes fit!), so I'm confident that your prayers were heard--THANK YOU! I want to give a shout out to our very good friend, Nina, for making us a batch of her delicious meeyuckgook (aka Korean seaweed soup)...it is one of my fave foods (I could eat it every day and would probably be able to fit into my clothes if I did...). THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, Nina. It is so delicious. I'm forever indebted to you (when I said that to her in person, her daughter Audrey looked at me and said, "You're dead?"...hahahaha!).

That's it for tonight. I'm wiped out. Time to get injected. Good night, everyone!

on the side...

I spoke too soon...the side effects of the drugs hit me full force today. The side effects ranged from bloating and pain from the gradual enlarging of my ovaries (normal and a good sign that all of the little eggs are developing inside the follicles!), to nausea and headaches, to very sudden mood swings...needless to say, it has been a very challenging sort of day. It was very difficult for me to concentrate at work, and things that usually only mildly bother me really got on my nerves.

And it's only cycle day (CD) 4. Oy vey. At least 5 more days of these injections, and then different drugs after. Forgive me if our paths cross and I seem out of it, or worse, just plain mean. I really don't mean it. Poor Shot Man. I can't even cook right now because I'm feeling so nauseous...so he's making some lobster ravioli for dinner. What did I do to deserve such a good man?

Hehe, I just informed Shot Man that we'll be watching Kim Yu-Na win the gold tonight. His reply? ".....uh...okay." (He has already seen the wrath of the evil drugs today. Poor guy.) Usually I root for Team USA all the way, but I don't think they stand a chance for the gold...and hey, Kim Yu-Na is so darn cute, how can you not love her?

baseline visit...

This morning, we went to our fertility clinic (Shady Grove Fertility and Reproductive Center, aka SGFRC) for our baseline visit. This is the first of many appointments in an IVF cycle where the nurses and lab techs take blood and perform an ultrasound to determine the hormone levels in my blood, see how many follicles are growing, and check the lining of my uterus. At the appointment, the nurse indicated that I have 8 follicles in my right ovary and 6 in my left ovary, and that the lining is fine. She said that everything looks fine so far. Yay. :)

They also reviewed the bloodwork and we have the green light to start our nightly injections of Gonal-F and Menopur (both which aid in the production and growth of the eggs)...two more shots for the Shot Man to give me...yay. :/ Hehe. We'll continue the Lupron injections, but at a lower dosage, to continue to prevent premature ovulation.

The side effects of the Lupron varied throughout the last week. For the most part, I was fine except for mild localized pain where the injections were administered, and when I would wake up with less than pleasant dreams once an hour or so throughout the night. Yesterday, however, I experienced a hot flash while we were outside in 40 degree weather, and then I had a headache for about 5 hours. I subsequently swung a mood directly at Tom, which he ducked by running to the gym. I'm not sure if I was in a bad mood because of the Lupron or the headache...either way, that was not nice. (Sorry, Shot Man.) Hopefully the lowered dosage of Lupron will mean less side effects. I've also read and heard that the Gonal-F and Menopur tend to balance out the Lupron medication, although I'm sure they come with their own set of side effects.

My next appointment for bloodwork and ultrasound is on Wednesday morning. They'll adjust my meds then, if necessary. That's it for now. I'll be back again sometime this week. Thanks for visiting our humble abode. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

where we've been...and where we are now

Where we've been...

Most of you walked with us over the last year, and so many of you know about our infertility experience thus far. However, I know some of you are coming in mid-stream, and so I think a little synopsis is in order (or you can just skip to the "where we are" section).

Tom and I started our little family back on February 11, 2006, and decided in September 2006 to try for our first child. In our minds, we'd get pregnant and have our firstborn during the year of the Golden Pig (for our non-Asian friends, this is based on some Chinese Zodiac something or other that even I don't quite understand, but it produced some mass hysteria in the East Asian nations and, apparently, the birth rate was astronomical in 2007). Easy squeezy lemon peezy. Well...as you can see...things didn't go exactly the way we planned.

The medical definition of infertility is the inability to conceive after one year (or 6 months if you're over the age of 35). After a year passed, I was in what is commonly known as denial, so I avoided going to the doctor, thinking that we just needed to wait longer. But in March 2008, as I celebrated my 31st birthday, I decided that I needed to get tested. After lots of testing and poking and prodding, we were diagnosed with infertility. At the time, our doctors recommended we pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF) and said that the less invasive intra-uterine insemination (IUI) would not likely be successful; but we were not ready to pursue treatments. We also needed to wait to change our insurance coverage, so we decided to sit on our test results and reevaluate our options until later that year.

In early 2009, we experienced a life-changing event--we brought home our puppy, Scout (aka Scoutie Scouterson, Boom Boom Scout, Scoutie Scout, Scouters). She's the cutest, sweetest, most fun dog we could've asked for, and our little family was growing, but we were ready to start trying to bring home a baby again.











Soon thereafter, we were contacted by our former doctor, who believed that we were optimal candidates for a new procedure known as natural cycle IVF. This procedure, unlike conventional IVF, would require no drugs and would work naturally with my body to produce only one egg. In theory, this sounded like a dream come true--IVF without any of the drugs (you'll see what I mean later in the "where we're at" section)!!! And it is a less expensive alternative to conventional IVF. Unfortunately, we tried this procedure 4 times, and each time they were unable to retrieve an egg--which happens in 1 in 4 cases. We were devastated--how could we go from being "ideal candidates" to utter complete failures? After four months, we were emotionally and physically exhausted and needed rest. We needed to be still. And so we were. And we decided to hold off on further treatments until 2010, when we were more rested and could change our insurance coverage. In the meantime, we learned to count our many blessings: our wonderful families, our faithful friends, our amazing church body at ODPC, our cute puppy, our good jobs, and each other. We really learned to cherish the precious time we've had to grow in our marriage and as individuals.

Where we are now...

The new year has been pretty eventful so far. We were fortunate to find a new doctor that we both feel very comfortable with, got very good insurance coverage and all of the necessary pre-authorizations (HMOs, sigh), found out that I got a new position at the Department of Energy, and took a last minute trip to the Bahamas to celebrate our 4th anniversary, Valentine's Day, and our upcoming birthdays. We also experienced the historic Snowpocalypse of 2010, which buried the DC area under 30+ inches of snow and paralyzed the entire area--extending our vacation in the Bahamas for a day and at home for 4 more days (this Arizona girl never knew about snow days growing up--what a treat!).


























We also officially started our treatment in early February. On Valentine's Day, we began my daily injections of Lupron (which suppresses estrogen levels to prevent premature ovulation). Sometimes women can inject themselves, but I'm too chicken--my lovely murse, Tom Ro, has been injecting me with the drugs. I think, secretly, that Tom loves administering these injections, even though I typically give him the stink eye and complain about the pain....we'll soon supplement these injections with injections of Gonal-F (which stimulates the ovaries to develop multiple follicles, which house the eggs)--which my murse (who calls himself the "Shot Man") will probably administer with equal delight. :) In all seriousness, I appreciate my Shot Man...he's so nice even when I'm giving him the stink eye.

So, that's it for now. As an FYI, the major steps in this process are the egg retrieval (slated for March 5-8) and the embryo transfer (slated for March 8-11). I'll keep this blog updated throughout the process, so feel free to check back once in a while.

Prayer Requests

Oh...last but not least...prayer requests! Please pray:

1) A prayer of thanks for God's faithful answers to so many prayers--even for the times when He answered, "Wait!".
2) That all of the drugs would help my body react the way it should.
3) That the side effects of the drugs would be bearable and not make me really mean...especially to Tom! :)
4) For my Shot Man's happiness. :)

Thanks, everyone, again for your love and support. We really appreciate it!

**On a sidenote, I like ellipses...can you tell? :) I'm not sure why I like them so much...but I use them a lot...to the point that I almost annoy myself. So I will try to temper myself and not use them too much. :)

getting started...

Getting started is always the hardest part for me, but I've learned that the only way to get started is by jumping in. I admit I'm a bit intimidated by this new blog, and well, this new adventure, really...because by trying something new you risk getting hurt, you become vulnerable, and you expose your weaknesses. But something we've learned through our journey through infertility is that, as followers of Christ, when we are weak, He is strong and He upholds us...and that when we are weak, He provides our dear family and friends to uphold us through their encouragement and prayers. So, here we go. We hope you can laugh with us, cry with us, and just journey with us here; and we hope that somehow we can be a source of God's blessings and encouragement to you!