truly lucky

Heaven has a little more of my heart today. After a roller coaster of emotions last week, where I had three glorious days of positive pregnancy tests, followed by two days of negative pregnancy tests, today's beta confirmed that I am not pregnant. A chemical pregnancy.

I'll be frank -- I've been somewhat of a mess today. I've spent most of the day trying to process my emotions so that I'm not an absolute disaster when my little loves (and my big love, too!) come home. I don't know how I feel about our agreed path forward to not pursue anymore treatments. I don't know if this means we'll try more "natural" methods of conceiving or if we are really truly done trying to add to our family. Those are matters that we're going to have to sort through in the coming days.

The one thing I do know is that Jesus is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It's hard to say "thank you" for this part of our journey; but I rest in knowing that little Lucky gets to experience the glories of heaven - in that sense, he/she is truly lucky. In the meantime, as a friend put it, I'm looking forward to glorious reunions.

get lucky

Thank you all for your prayers for yesterday's transfer...especially for those who sent emails and texts throughout the day. I'm always overwhelmed by how much God loves us through our family and friends. :)

For those of you who live in this region, you may have correctly guessed that one of our biggest concerns was the late winter snow storm that hit Sunday night into Monday. Unfortunately, because all of the medication is timed, there's no way to really reschedule a transfer once it's on the books. Fortunately, I think my neurotic email to my nurse about the snow, and traffic, and daycare closures made her take pity on me and ask for me to be scheduled later in the day, so our transfer was scheduled for 2:30 pm. :)

So, when we woke up yesterday, snow had fallen everywhere, and Tiger excitedly pointed out that there was so.much.snow. outside, and begged us to go outside to play. Because we knew we'd have to drop off the kids at daycare (bless our daycare owner's heart ~ she agreed to watch the boys while we went to our appointment) and get on the road early, we bundled up the kids and took them outside for a bit. Of course the bundling time took about 20 minutes, which was about 5 minutes longer than the actual playing in the snow time. But, I digress.

And yes...Dragon is sporting pink boots...and Tiger is sporting purple gloves. We never see this much snow around here, so in retrospect, I could have gotten my money's worth, had I actually purchased them legit snow gear, instead of getting bargain basement prices on our yard sale, or accepting hand-me-downs from their noonas...but, I mean, who said boys can't rock pink and purple? :)

So...anyway, Mr. T. and I headed up to Rockville, and surprisingly, because the roads were clear and the Federal government had decided to close due to the snow storm, we actually got there more quickly than usual! I had to laugh because I realized that I tend to freak out about the little details that I really have no control over (like weather), but God even cares for those details...who knows? Maybe He sent the storm so we'd have no delays getting there!

When we arrived, we were escorted back to the exact room where Lucky's big brothers transferred. The doctor, whom I hadn't met before, came in and excitedly proclaimed, "Wow, we just stick embryos in you and you grow them!" Have I mentioned that we are a statistical dream come true for our clinic? Dr. G., our primary doctor had remarked how great it would be to have three babies from one fresh cycle. Time will only tell, and Mr. T. is a bit more optimistic about this than I am, but we are hopeful that will be the case!

In any event...the big news of the day was that Lucky survived the thaw beautifully, with a survival rate of 95-100%, and transfer went smoothly, as we watched again in wonder as Lucky, a beautiful little spark, was transferred in back home with us. Without further ado:

A dear friend asked me how I was feeling yesterday. I can't really describe the emotions, knowing that this part of our family's story is ending. But when I laid in bed last night, with Tiger and Dragon flanking me, Mr. T. dozing away, and Lucky safely snuggled in my womb, I couldn't help but feeling immensely grateful for my life and my family. I just can't believe I get to live this life.

Our blood test is scheduled for 3/31. Until then, I'm praying that God breathes life into and sustains little Lucky. Thank you again for your prayers. We love you so much.

the beginning of the end

It's a snowy morning here in the DC area. Appropriate, I think, for the kickoff for our frozen embryo transfer, which is scheduled for March 17th. Yup, while you all will be out drinking green beer and donning your "Kiss me, I'm Irish" buttons, I'll be back in the saddle again, so to speak, reuniting with our precious Lucky (the embryo formerly known as Sleepy), after he/she is woken up from a four year long deep freeze.

So, like before, I had my baseline appointment this morning. Same waiting room. Same old song and dance. Same typical report: lining looks good, ovaries look good. Injections commence tonight, and the Shot Man returns.

But, this time is a bit different, because it's most likely our last ARTS procedure. The beginning of the end. I've been going back and forth on whether to type those last two sentences out. Something about writing that makes it seem more...official. Mr. T. and I have discussed it at length, and I *think* I'm at peace with it; but maybe that's because I am holding on to the hope that Lucky is going to make it, and we're going to welcome a third little bundle of joy into our family in nine months. I am pleading with God to breathe life and make that happen. But I am also praying, in faith, for His peace in these next few weeks, and for a heart of thankfulness and praise regardless of the outcome, knowing that He makes all things for work together for our good, no matter what.

Every moment of this season of our lives has been worth it -- even, and maybe especially, the painful ones -- not only because we have the privilege to be Tiger and Dragon's parents, but because of the amazing support and prayers of our family and friends. So, as we start up again, a heartfelt THANK YOU for being there for us and teaching us about real genuine community and how much God loves us through His people. We are so blessed.

frozen

So, things around here have been freezing. Frozen, even. We've had the coldest winter in this area for as long as I can remember.

This blog has pretty much been in the deep freeze as well. I know, I've been terrible at updating this site. I've found myself torn in so many different directions between work, church, and of course, my adorable amazing family. Being queen of this house has been beyond awesome.

But, even if this is the last series of blogposts I do, I've decided to come out of hibernation for a bit, because, my dear friends, we are doing it. We're going back for our last frozen embryo!

!!!!!

We are excited. We are anxious. We're looking forward to being reunited with our last little guy or gal...and it's happening in no less than 6-7 weeks. And, if you calculate it correctly...and I end up pregnant with our last embryo, we will be welcoming yet another November baby, Lord willing.

!!!!!

So. I'm back to document our journey to get Sleepy out of the deep freeze. If you're still there, we'd love for you to join us and pray with us.

hello there. :)

Yep. I'm back. Yes...I know, it's been a minute. More like seven months.

Seven glorious, hard, amazing, exhausting, hilarious, delightful months of being a momma of two.

Of watching this little itty bitty peanut

transform into this big bouncing baby boy.

Of enjoying watching my little only child

become the best and most loving big brother I could've asked for.

And navigating the challenges of going from a family of three

to a more chaotic family of four.

And I've loved almost every minute of it. 

Almost. ;) Because, while it's the hardest thing I've ever done, it's the most amazing experience of my life. And the most rewarding, for sure. And I have the awesomest partner in life to do it with.

While I've been bad about writing here and was kicked off of the BlogHer network for not writing enough (oops)...because, frankly, I'm kind of beyond exhausted, I've been itching a little to get back to recording a little bit of our lives so that I can look back someday and remember these days with our too-quickly growing Tiger and Dragon.

So, I'm back.

I think.

welcome, dragon!

Sorry for being MIA, folks...we were a little busy welcoming Dragon into the world! :) Unlike Tiger's very boring, uncomplicated birth story, Dragon came out with a little bit of drama. So...I've written out his birth story, but I warn you that it is LONG...so I won't be offended if you don't read it. :) So...without further ado.....

After six days of bedrest and 2 false alarm hospital visits, my blood pressure was high and I was measuring at 3 cm and 75% effaced at my late 37 week checkup, so my OB decided to call it quits on the pregnancy. So...at 37 weeks and 5 days, I went to the hospital to be admitted for induction the next morning.

I had sent Tiger off to daycare that morning with an extra long hug and voted in the elections knowing in the back of my mind that I probably wouldn't be coming home that evening.

The next morning, at around 7:00 am, Dr. K. came in and had the nurse start my pitocin drip. He advised me not to get an epidural until I felt "miserable" because epidurals tend to slow down labor. So Tom and I sat around for the next four and a half hours chatting, watching TV, and surfing the web on our phones. The contractions were mild but completely bearable, so I didn't ask for my epidural.

At around 11:30 am, Dr. K. came back and said that he was going to break my water to get things moving along. After he broke my water, my contractions almost immediately started getting significantly stronger and more regular. However, the monitors weren't picking up my contractions while Dragon's monitor showed that he was having decelerations. Dr. K. came back and inserted an internal monitor to make sure that Dragon's decels were coinciding with my contractions.

Once he inserted the monitors it showed that my contractions were, indeed, peaking at the top of the chart and coming very quickly and regularly. At that point, I felt that the monitor readings legitimized my "miserable", so I asked for my epidural. The nurse called anesthesiology and was told that the anesthesiologist was in another patient's room but would be by in about 20 minutes.

My contractions started getting unbearable during the next 20 minutes. When the anesthesiologist arrived, I could barely hold still while she inserted the epidural. She then told me that it would take about 15 minutes for the epidural to kick in, but that the contractions should start hurting less and less.

After she left, my nurse asked if the contractions were getting better. Nope, they weren't. In fact, they seemed to get stronger and stronger as time went by. So, she called Dr. K. back in, who said that, typically, this meant that I was probably ready to push. So he checked me again, but I was only 5 cm. So Dr. K. left, and the nurse called anesthesiology to get more meds ordered for me. No one was answering the phone, so for the next ten minutes or so, I heard her continually trying to get a hold of them.

At this point, I was beyond miserable. Tom had been holding my hand and stroking my hair throughout the contractions, but I no longer wanted anyone to touch or talk to me. All of the sudden, I told the nurse that I thought that I needed to push. She checked me and told me it was time, but to not push until the doctor arrived.

Friends, at this point, I was devastated by this news. I mean...I got my epidural...surely it should have been working before I had to push! Dr. K. came in and almost too cheerfully announced that it was time. I had gone from 5 cm to 10 cm in about 10-15 minutes. I was begging them to get me some more drugs, but the nurses calmly told me that it was time and I needed to breathe deeply and move down.

So...having no other choice, I pushed through the next two sets of contractions. During the fifth push, I heard the phone ring and the nurse laughed as she told Dr. K. that anesthesiology was calling to order more meds. And then, with the sixth push, Dragon was born on November 7 at 12:32 pm, weighing in at 6 lbs. 8 oz. and measuring 21 inches long!

I am still kind of amazed...but I actually gave birth without an epidural! Well...without a working epidural anyway. And while the pitocin contractions hurt like the devil, I have to say that pushing felt almost good in a really weird way. The experience has me seriously contemplating trying to give birth without an epidural if we are lucky enough for our last embryo to stick.

Anyway, we had to go back to the hospital for a few days after we were discharged because Dragon had jaundice.

But, all is well now. Tiger LOVES Dragon and so far hasn't shown any signs of jealousy. This was my biggest worry, and I am so thankful for how gentle and kind Tiger is towards Dragon.

And we've survived the first week...tired, but very very very happy and grateful that we are home together as a family of four.

Praise be to God!

full term...and bedrested, again!

Hello, friends!

I'm happy to report that I'm still here, Dragon is still safe and snug inside, and we are 37 weeks, and 3 days. :)

Unfortunately, on Halloween, Dragon decided he wanted to give us a little scare and we were sent to the hospital after my blood pressure at my regular checkup read high.

You may recall that I was bedrested at 35ish weeks with Tiger for the same reason...but this time, I think being one day shy of full term convinced one of my OBs that it might be best to induce and deliver me that day.

Well...after spending a few hours in triage, my resting blood pressure was "gorgeous" according to my triage nurse, and all my labs came back normal. We even got to see Dragon...and got a 3D ultrasound. He looks so much like his big brother...and looks even more like Tom than Tiger does...if that's even possible!

Well, the end story is that everything looked great, so I was sent home with orders to stay on bedrest. The saddest part of it all was that I missed going to our church's Fall Festival with Tiger and Tom. Tiger dressed up like Spiderman...and I even had a sidekick "costume" for Dragon!

Well, since our little trickster gave us a scare on Halloween, I've been back to the hospital once because of lingering headaches and high blood pressure reads at home. Once more...everything looked great at the hospital. Sigh. So...our little turkey gets to keep cooking - a very good thing in my opinion!

The good news is that my mom is coming in tonight to help out. She was originally scheduled to come in about two weeks, but I think my constant false alarms have her convinced that Dragon is coming any day now. Whatever it is...I'll take it!

And for now...I'll just be laying here, waiting for my little Dragon to come. :)