hurt so good

To say I miss Scout would be an understatement. Tom's been gone this week and returns tonight (hurrah!), and so his absence has made her absence even more noticeable. Even when G is awake, the house just feels so empty. When he's asleep, the emptiness is almost unbearable.

I miss the way she would lay at my feet, wherever I was, and the moment I moved an inch, even if just to scratch my nose, she'd leap up in gleeful expectation of a game of fetch.

I miss the way, when I would get ice from the machine, she'd barrel towards me and sit, panting for an ice cube, like it was a million dollar treat.

I miss the way, when I turned off the TV, she'd head towards the door excitedly, knowing we were about to crash for the night and she'd get her last potty break.

Everywhere I turn, there are memories of her in our house. Tom forgot to pack some of her toys, bones, and water bowl, and every time I stumble over one, I nearly burst into tears.

At night, before I fall asleep, with my eyes closed, I think about ways to get her back, wondering if maybe her new family doesn't want her anymore. I wonder if she looks for me all day.

But then I picture those girls loving her. The sweet little hugs they kept giving her. Her happy face as she was surrounded by such love. And I know she's in the right place. My guilt of failing her dissapates a little at a time, every time I picture that scene.

My friend said I need to move on past the guilt. That grief from separation is normal...but that this guilt I'm imposing on myself is not normal and not healthy when I have helped her find a great home. My friend is wise. And she's a dog-lover and owner. She really helped me put it into perspective. :)

So, I'm letting it hurt so good today. This hurt...this pain...it's good for all involved. I'm releasing her and myself from the guilt.

But, I did tell the family that if it doesn't work out, we will take her back, no questions asked. I'm not sure if I could ever let her go again if she did come back. :)

heavy

My heart is extra heavy this morning.

I had a long weekend.

Fortunately, I had three delightful occasions to celebrate - celebrations of life and family. They were like a balm on my aching heart.

Of course, the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 was a part of it. I still vividly remember that day when, as a brand-new law student, my sense of safety and security of the 24 years of my American life was shattered and flipped upside-down. What a horrifying, tragic day.

And yet, as much as I remember the tragedy of the day, I also cherish the memories of bravery, community, humanity. Of the heroes who rushed into the building. Of the heroes who were determined to take down the plane headed for Washington, DC. Of the heroes that spent months and months afterwards, recovering the dead, rebuilding the city.

But, on a more personal level, this was the weekend we decided to let a new family adopt our beloved Scout.

Sorry. I'm having a much harder time writing this than I thought I would. I feel like any excuses I give to you for this decision would not be enough to justify us giving her away. She was a part of our family.

But when we got her, we promised to love her and give her a good home.

And, in the last year, our home just hasn't be the best one for her. She was alone for 13 hours a day. When we got home, it was always a race to get G fed, bathed, changed and in bed. Then we had to eat ourselves. And frankly, after that, we had nothing left to give her.

I was impatient with her.

All she wanted to do was to shadow me. And every little thing she did would just get on my nerves.

And yet, she still tried to bring joy to my life. So loving. So kind. She just wanted me to love her.

And it all began to weigh on me. I began to feel guilty that she was alone. Guilty that I was so mean. Guilty that she was not getting the attention or the exercise that she so needed and deserved.

Guilty that our home wasn't a good home for her anymore.

So I prayed for a new family for her. A family with older children, preferably girls who weren't going to be rough for her gentle spirit, the way G can be.

And, after a few months of looking, there they were...a God-answered prayer of a family of 3 girls, ages 6, 8, and 10, who had been praying for the perfect dog for their family.

So we went and met them on Saturday, amidst all of the wonderful celebrations of life and family, and, instantly, we knew.

We knew this was her new family. Her new life.

There are no words to adequately capture how devastated I am. Or how happy I am that she will live a more fulfilling life. And how these two emotions just keep tearing at my heart.

I have spent every free moment of the weekend crying. Wondering if we made the right decision. But I got an email from the mom, telling me how much they are enjoying our beloved Scout. Their beloved Scout. How, because the entire family was so excited she was home the first night, they all slept on the floor with her.

She will be so loved.

By them.

By us.

In our hearts.

Forever.

signs...or not...

Dear Grant,

Won't you come out to play?

I had a dream last night that my water broke.  I was estatic.  That was my first labor dream.

That's gotta be a sign, no?

I bought your stroller today.  I have been waiting patiently for the 2011 model to come out, and lo and behold, on a very short trip to Babies R Us, I snagged the only 2011 model they had...which had just come in this morning.  It was even in the color we wanted!

That's gotta be a sign, no?

Grant, your mommy is going nuts on day 20 of bedrest.  Today, I caught myself having a conversation with Scout.  I asked her to try and persuade you to come out.  She looked at me knowingly, and then rested her head right where your heart is....

That's gotta be a sign, no?

At the very least, it's a sign that I'm losing it when I think Scout and I are having meaningful conversations.

Come out and play, little one!  There are lots of us out here who'd like to meet you!

Love,
Mommy

mea culpa

I wish I could just blame pregnancy brain on today's mea culpa...so I'm going to...because I'd feel more terrible than I already do if I didn't....

I missed my Scoutie's birthday.

Say what????

Yes.  It was yesterday.

True....I'm not really sure if it's her real birthday because we "rescued" her from some random college kids off of Craigslist.  Yes, we got her off of Craigslist...we love Craigslist...I even found our piano on Craigslist.

But I digress.

Scout is 2 (or thereabouts).  When we adopted her, the random college kids (who were probably trying to scam us, but whatevs) told us she was born sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving.  That's all they could tell me.  So I picked 11/11 because I thought it'd be a date I would never forget.

Uh yeah...good one, Tina.

I am so sorry, my Scout.

If I weren't on this darned bedrest, I'd take you down to the fancy dog bakery like we did last year and buy you a delicious, overpriced birthday biscuit.  And maybe stop by the cupcake bakery and pick up a cupcake for me...it's not fun to eat sweets by yourself, after all! ;)

Thanks for being such a great puppy.  Sure, we've had our "differences"--but you are a really good dog.  We couldn't have asked for a better puppy. 

You've gotten me through some rough times.

You allowed me to be a "mother" while we were waiting to have a human child.

You are always happy to see me, no matter what...and you can make a bad mood disappear instantly...well...most of the time, anyway....:)

You will always have a special place in my heart, 'cause you're my first doggie ever.

I only have one wish for your 2nd birthday...um...now that you're a big girl...could you calm down some?  I heard some dogs calm down at 2.  Not holding my breath or anything, but it would be oh so nice.

Then again, your silly puppy ways are what make me love you most.  :)

I love you, my baby girl.  As soon as Grant comes, we'll celebrate your belated birthday, and his birth day together.  Complete with yummy biscuits.  Promise.

come, sit, stay

Here's our Scoutie.  She's been our baby for over a year and a half now and we love her to death.  She's generally a great dog and is very sweet.  But lately...she's been getting more hyper and more disobedient.  Luckily, she's not the destructive type.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that she senses something is up.  Dogs are pretty keen about human emotions, so I've heard that dogs can sense that things are about to change when their people are expecting a baby.

Well, yesterday, she really tested our patience for the first time since we were potty training her.  Right before we were about to leave for the work, Tom went outside to turn off the sprinklers in the backyard and Scout took the opportunity to bolt outside for some fetch.  See...Scout's favorite thing in the world is to fetch.  She could do it for hours on end -- and generally, when we're outside, we play with her until she basically collapses on the ground.  When we bring her inside, she rests for all of 15-30 minutes and then she's ready to go again.  The picture above shows a typical evening in the Ro household...after dinner, when we're trying to relax and watch TV, Scout will bring one of her toys in the hopes that we'll throw it.  If we ignore her, she'll bring another one...and then another one...and suddenly, we'll look down and all of her toys will be on our couch, and she'll be staring at us with those sad, "please play with me" eyes.  I will look at her and declare her a "ridiculous, silly dog!"

Anyway, I digress.  Yesterday, she knew we were going to work.  But she wanted to play fetch.  So, Tom played with her for about 5 minutes.  But she would not come inside.  I went outside and played with her for another 10 minutes.  But she would not come inside.  For the next 30 minutes, Tom and I did everything in our power to get her to come inside.  I even tried running and getting her to chase me (not one of her favorite games), but all I ended up doing was looking completely ridiculous, trotting around the backyard 7.5 months pregnant while Tom just sat there and laughed at me...geez, I hope none of my neighbors were watching!  Nothing would work.  At one point, she just decided to take her ball and plop down in our neighbor's yard and just watch us.  Can you say frustration???  I finally was able to lure her in with some treats, but I think she was just tired at that point.

During that 45 minutes, I thought about how hard it's going to be when Grant is out of this belly, because then Tom and I won't be able to tag team anymore.  At the height of my frustration, I told Tom, "Let's just leave her out for the day."  Tom just shook his head and looked at me like he does whenever I'm really hormonal.  Which I was.  I think Tom and I were both thinking the same thing--we are never letting this dog off-leash again and we are going to deprive her of her most favorite activity in the world: fetch.  Since yesterday, I've been thinking...maybe we'll get her a shock collar, maybe we'll get an invisible fence, maybe this, maybe that....

But now that I'm calm, I realize that I've been failing her.  Even though I did a lot of training when we first got her, I need to do some basic obedience training with her again--especially in preparation for when Grant is out and about.  We've got to work on the "come" command again...obviously.  And, if I'm being completely frank with you, I've been neglecting my Scoutie for a while because I've just been so freaking tired.  So...in my continuing effort to better myself, I'm adding "better dog owner" to the long list of self-improvement projects.  Sigh.