lingering longings

Today was our third beta, and the nurse called and said that we're still looking good.  Our beta level was 4062.  Here's another graph so you can see where we are.  It looks like we are pretty close to "singleton" (one baby) numbers...but our friends (parents of twins) said that their numbers looked like singleton numbers, too--so, who knows?

Well, actually, we'll know on Tuesday when we go in for our first ultrasound of the baby(ies).  This is not my first ultrasound...actually, I remember my first (of many many many) ultrasounds...it looked just like the movies, but I was in there because I was trying to get a diagnosis for infertility rather than to see my baby.  I did the usual changing into a thin paper "blanket", and waited alone in the dark room for the doctor, staring at the ultrasound machine.  It was not how I imagined my first ultrasound to be...and I teared up and tried my best to compose myself because I would have been so embarrassed if the doctor saw me like that.  It was so so so sad when I saw my empty womb.  I teared up, too, when we saw the babies being placed into my uterus, but they were tears of hope.  I imagine that I might be a nutcase when we go in and actually see how our baby(ies) has grown!

I've been really anxious lately.  Today, I thought about our baby(ies), and my heart hurt because I just want to see and hold him/her/them so badly.  I think that, unfortunately, our experience with infertility has robbed us a bit of the typical joy and excitement that a couple experiences when they are pregnant for the first time.  We are hopeful, but cautious.  Ready to celebrate, but prepared to mourn.  Happy, but sad for our IF friends.  I was reminded of a verse the other day that I've been trying to carry with me:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This has been one of those verses that I've always had a hard time with because I am a worrier by nature (just ask my family!).  But I'm praying for His peace...otherwise, it's gonna be a long...um, lifetime of parenthood!

singing in the rain

Hello to all, on a rainy day, from the Nation's capitol!  Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!!!  I had my first bout with morning sickness last night (yay!), I've been really tired (yay!), and the smells on the metro made me gag this morning (yay!).  I know "yay!" sounds strange, but these things remind me that the baby is still there, and I'm so thankful for each and every symptom!

I went in this morning for our second beta (blood test), and so far, everything is looking good.  As you might recall, our first beta level was 464.  Today's was 2133.  Basically, at this point in a pregnancy, the beta levels should double every 48 hours.  Our two day rate increase was 114 %!  I found a neat calculator on line at http://babymed.com/Tools/Pregnancy/hCG/Default.aspx...and thought I'd post this graphic for all you visual learners out there.  The red line is where we are...so it looks like we are right on track!

We go in for another beta on Wednesday, and then we're going to go to our first ultrasound next week! 

My parentals and my sister, H,  will be in town next week, so I can show them the baby pictures in person.  My mom was in Korea last week, and she asked what I wanted...I said "meeyuck" (seaweed) and I could hear my uncle in the background saying, "THAT is what she wants????"  Yes, friends, I love meeyuck--and meeyuck is good for you!!!  And meeyuck from Korea is soooooo good.  My mom's swell.  I'm so happy she's bringing it for me! :)  Oh, and so happy I get to see the three of them! :)

bfm

Well, my dear family and friends, after 42 months, 4 treatment cycles, 2 doctors, thousands of prayers, and God’s loving handiwork…it’s official:

Yes, you read that right--we are pregnant!  We are 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and our EDD (estimated due date) is November 28…a Thanksgiving baby(ies)! I went in for a blood test this morning for our beta levels, and our nurse called this afternoon and said my beta level is 464.  I've compared it to typical numbers online and I can't quite tell if there are one or two fishies; we won't be sure until we go in for an ultrasound.

I confess that, despite Tom’s best efforts to get me to wait, I broke down on Monday morning, and I took a home pregnancy test and we saw our very first BFP (which means Big Fat Positive in the infertility world). You have no idea how shocked we were…after taking dozens of these tests and seeing so many BFNs (Big Fat Negative), it was simply shocking to see a BFP, and we’ve sort of been in a daze ever since.  So, after that, I became a POAS (Pee on a Stick) junkie (to Tom’s dismay), and have taken a test every morning since. The test pictured above is the one we took this morning…a digital one that says, “Pregnant!" (I made Tom go and buy one last night because we ran out of the non-digital pink ones we were using, and he said, “I think three is enough, Tina.” HEHE….as you can see, I won.)  The other ones are currently lined up neatly on our bathroom countertop. I’m not sure what we’ll do with them, but after waiting so long to see two beautiful pink lines, I can’t bear to part with them just yet.

My sister, H, expressed concern about us announcing this so early, and I share some of her concerns because we’re not out of the woods yet. This baby(ies) still needs to grow inside, and the next couple of months, well…the next eight, really, are critical. But we covet your prayers for our baby(ies) more than ever. He/she/they is our BFM (Big Fat Miracle—yes…there is a whole alphabet….) and we thank God for every moment that we get to be with her/him/them.

I will go in on Monday and Wednesday for more blood tests to make sure that the beta levels are rising and then, if all systems are a go, we'll go in for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks to see how many heartbeats there are, and we’ll find out then whether we have one or two!

I have to say that today is bittersweet.  Infertility has become a part of me, and I am forever changed because of it.  While I am excited for this answered prayer, I have too many friends that continue in their struggles. Words cannot describe how much my heart hurts for each of these dear friends, and I will continue to cry out to God until He meets each of them.

Thank you, God…thank you for this miracle. We are so undeserving and so humbled by this gift.  Thank you for our family. Thank you for our friends. Thank you for the mountains and the valleys...and for bringing us through them.  Thank you for always being You…good, loving, true, awesome. No matter what…we praise You and we trust in Your steadfast love forever!

here is love

A few weeks ago, in one of my posts, I wrote about some things that were on my heart regarding our church community.  I've been thinking a lot about that post, and I wanted to followup with another post.  See, I think that post paints one side of the picture.  I wanted to write something to say thank you to so many people in our church community and beyond, who have been Jesus to us over the last few years, and especially over the last month. 

A couple of weeks ago, after the egg retrieval and before the fishies were transferred, our dear sister, Susie (thanks, Susie--we love you!), gathered a group of our church friends at our house to pray for us and this cycle.  When Susie first asked us if we would like her to arrange a prayer night, I admit I was a little hesitant.  I have no idea why, but while I have no problem being up on a stage in front of the whole church, I tend to get nervous when I am the center of attention in a small group of people.  But, after talking it over with Tom, we realized that we would be so fortunate to be covered with the prayers of our community during this whole ordeal.

Let me tell you, when all of those people showed up at our house and prayed over us, I was just overcome with emotion because it just confirmed how immeasurably blessed we are to have such great brothers and sisters.  I was really touched when a couple of our friends told us their daughters were praying for us, too!  If we are so fortunate to bring home a little one (or two!), he/she/they will be so lucky to have these faithful men and women of God as uncles and aunties....oh, and little unnies and oppahs (Korean word for older sisters and brothers), too!

We've been continually showered with love over the past month with prayers, well-wishes, and food!  Oh my goodness, we are so lucky to have such generous and kind friends who happen to be fantastic cooks!!!

I can't end this post without raving about the love of my life.  He's been so wonderful.  He has been Jesus to me.  He's so loving and patient.  He's so understanding that I am fatigued and lets me have much needed rest.  And not one complaint has escaped his mouth during this whole month (well...he rarely complains, anyway!).  He's a wonderful husband, and he's going to be a fabulous dad.

So do Tom and I have a great church community?  No...we have a great church family.  And we have awesome friends and family all over this country who have been so supportive.  Jesus is love. And here is love...through so many of you, we have been touched by Jesus.  We love you all.

glory babies

One of the wonderful privileges and joys I've had in this journey is to meet other women who have struggled with infertility.  Some of them are "in real life" friends, and others are friends that I've met online in a Christian infertility forum called "Hannah's Prayer."  As with any other type of life crisis, this shared journey instantly bonds "strangers" into a sisterhood that runs deeper than you can imagine...particularly because infertility is one of those things that are hard for people to share about with others.

My heart has been heavy for the last two days because of a wonderful woman I met on HP.  I won't go into the details of her story, for they are not mine to tell, but she has suffered so incredibly much that I have been reduced to tears several times and I sometimes feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  Honestly, there have been so many "dark" moments for me over the last few years--times when I've questioned God and why we've had to go through all of this...and I've often ended up with the "right" answers in my head, but a lack of understanding in my heart.  And when I think about what this sister has endured, I cannot imagine how it is possible for one human to endure all of it and my heart literally hurts.

So, today, I feel sad.  Sad for all the women who have lost their babies, whether they were 1 day old, like Mun and Hoon, or whether their mothers actually got to hold them in their arms.  Sad for all the women who have had their hopes to become a mother dashed month after month, year after year.  My only comfort and hope is that these babies are already in heaven, waiting to be reunited with their mommies and daddies.  They'll just have heaven before we do.

Much love to you.

Glory Baby (Watermark)
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby
Heaven will hold you before we do, heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you

Miss you everyday, miss you in every way, but we know there’s a day when we will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away when we’re home to stay, can’t wait for the day when we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people through the growing and in knowing
That all things work together for our good and God works His purposes just like He said He would

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home and it’s all you’ll ever know

grumpy smurf

Today, I am 8dp3dt (8 days past a 3 day transfer), 11dpo (days past ovulation) and one week away from my official pregnancy blood test at the doctor's office (aka "beta").  Today...if they're still in there...the fishies are about 0.1-0.2mm big, and should be almost completely implanted into the lining of my uterus, like this: http://www.visembryo.com/baby/5.html  (I found this cool website during one of my many google searches about this darn IVF stuff - it's a day by day picture that starts from conception to birth!  Again--simply amazing!)

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had no real symptoms except thirst and having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (which I think are related)...oh, and back pain...but I've had chronic back pain since I was in my early 20s. I started to freak out...but, apparently, there are lots of women who have no symptoms during the 2 week wait (2ww) who get pregnant.  Oh...I guess I've been extremely hungry and I had a massive headache yesterday that is reemerging as I type.  Haha.  I guess I have had some symptoms. 

This morning, I was washing something in the sink, and I smelled something and gagged.  Yuck.  Then ***TMI ALERT*** I noticed a little bit of spotting about an hour ago when I was in the restroom (if you're a boy, you can ask a girl what that means)...and that kind of freaked me out.  I'm trying not to freak out, because the nurse at the clinic told me that it could happen, and that it was okay.  I've also read that it could be "implantation bleeding", i.e. bleeding caused by the fishies burrowing into the lining of my uterus, which would make sense, given what stage we're in.  And now I'm starting to get cramps....hmm....and none of my clothes fit.  Sigh.

So...that's the physical...how am I doing emotionally?  Well, as you may know, I really don't like to wait.  That's the nice way of putting it.  If I'm being real, I'm very impatient.  I chalk it up to being the firstborn (and an only child for 5 years before my sister came along)...but usually when I ask for something or I want to do something, I expect it to happen right away.  So, I know it's a big character flaw, and I used to ask God to teach me patience.  Haha..I guess He's been teaching me patience through this whole infertility stuff.  You know what they say...be careful what you ask for. ;)

So....now, I'm just sitting here waiting.  And it's driving me mad.  A lot of women who undergo fertility treatments take home pregnancy tests before they get their official pregnancy blood test (a.k.a. "beta") done.  They start testing on the day of the transfer and monitor their hCG levels.  See...remember the trigger shot?  That contained the hormone hCG...which is what pregnancy tests detect when you're pregnant.  So I've read on some online forums where women actually buy like 20 tests and start testing the day after their trigger, watch the postive pregnancy line go from dark to light until the trigger shot is out of their system, and then hope to watch the line go from faint to dark again.  I didn't opt to do that....but now I'm kind of kicking myself for not doing it....I mean....for a few weeks, I was in the doctor's office and "in tune" with what was going on in my body.  And then the transfer happened....and now it's just a 15-day period of radio silence.  Boo.

So...I guess I'm feeling a bit anxious and fat.  And caffeine deprived.  I miss my Diet Coke (I decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners until who knows when....).  I'm trying to have a good attitude, but, let's face it...today, I'm a grumpy smurf.

Thanks for praying for this grumpy smurf.

our little snowflakes

Well...the weekend was packed and so it went by quickly...here's to hoping that the next 11 days go by just as fast!  Otherwise, it's been pretty uneventful...so we will just keep swimming, just keep swimming. :)

Dr. Greenhouse called with some great news today.  Both of the embies made it through the week--now they are our dear little snowflakes and will wait for us until we can go back and get them. :)  I was so excited that they both made it, that I completely forgot to ask the usual details about them.  Dr. Greenhouse did say, however, that they are very nice-looking.  Hopefully, they look something like this:

That's a high quality 5-day blastocyst.  As you can see, the embies started to rapidly divide after we left the clinic last Wednesday...to the point where they had about 150 cells!  Amazing!  I tell you, for a gal who never really had much interest in biology, I am so awestruck.

So, what have RF and BF been up to?  At this point, they should have "hatched" out of their oolemma (egg membrane) and started to implant into the lining of my uterus. 

                                    

Cool, eh?  As for me, I'm continuing to take estrogen and progesterone, and I've been having minor twinges of cramping, which I believe occurs because my uterus is expanding and because of the medication.  This morning, for the first time, I felt nausea.  I know this sounds weird, but I am praying for many, many more mornings of this feeling because it will mean that I have a growing baby(ies) inside of me!

my first, my last, my everything

Happy birthday to my dear husband, Tom!  I surely am a lucky gal to have him.  He's been a great source of strength and reason during the past few years...and, most importantly, he keeps me laughing.  Infertility tends to take a great toll on a marriage...and if the health of our marriage was solely dependent on me, we'd probably be in pretty bad shape.  But Tom is ever-patient, ever-loving, ever-optimistic, and all-around great. 

Not only is he wonderful to me, he is a fun, generous, and kind friend to others.  It is so evident that he loves life and lives with such gusto (as anyone who has watched him play Korean Taboo can attest).  And I am so thankful for the way he loves to serve "behind the scenes" at our church.  When I used to take those spiritual gifts inventories in college, and one of the gifts was "Helps", I thought, "Who on earth would really like to do that all the time?"  Well...I married him...and I admire and respect him so much for it.

His only downfall?  His love for the Lakers.  HAHA.  Kidding...kidding...sort of....:)

He's probably really embarrassed that I posted this, so I'll stop here.  Happy birthday, Tom.  I think you're pretty great.  And so do your little fishies.  They told me so. :)

one fish, two fish...

Red Fish, Blue Fish!  (Get it?  Fish?  Bowl?  Fishbowl?  Teehee.)  Here they are....right before Dr. Mottla so skillfully placed them safely in my uterus today!

Aren't they just gorgeous?  Dr. Greenhouse said they look great, and Dr. Mottla said they are beautiful.  I might be a little biased, but I have to agree. :)

We got to the Rockville office at 1:00 p.m., with a full bladder, as directed by my nurse.  Unfortunately, they were running behind, so I sat in the waiting room for an hour trying to keep my mind off of the fact that I really needed to go to the restroom.  Finally, at around 2:10, we were called back, instructed to put on some surgical booties and taken to the embryo transfer room.  Dr. Mottla and Jennifer, our embryologist, came in and verified my identity....and then I laid down on the bed, Dr. Mottla guided a thin catheter inside to my uterus, the embryologist brought the fishies in from the lab, and then Dr. Mottla put them into the catheter and snuggled them safely into my uterus...all while we were watching the ultrasound screen and saw the little ones shoot inside!  It was, in one word, amazing.

At the start of our infertility journey, I had a really hard time with the concept of IVF.  I had always assumed that things would just happen the old-fashioned way.  And I thought that IVF and science would somehow lessen the beauty and mystery of creation.  I will tell you that, after today, I was so wrong.  From seeing the picture of the little fishies and their perfect 8 cells, to looking at my uterus as the doctor placed them inside, I was just about moved to tears and absolutely blown away.  Blown away by the fact that we could witness the miracle of life at such an early stage...2 beautiful miracles that are alive and growing (hopefully!) inside of me!  This science just revealed the beauty, complexity, and the sheer miraculous nature of God's creation.  Wow.

I'm now on 24 hours of bedrest.  The nurse ordered Tom to take good care of me...but he didn't need those orders, he always takes great care of me!!!  The nurse said that I cannot drink caffeine...good thing I've been trying to wean myself off of my Diet Coke for the last couple of months!  Obviously I'm gonna miss my Diet Coke a lot...so Tom bought me some caffeine free Diet Coke.  Isn't he the best?

The dreaded 2 week wait now begins before the big pregnancy test.  I'm gonna try and relax and not think about it until then (yeah, right!).  Thank you so so so so much for praying for the little fishies.  They are already the luckiest babies alive to have you all in their corner.  :)

no matter what

Thank you all for praying for our little ones.  I know I've been pretty emotional...and it's probably due in part to the progesterone and estrogen I've been taking--which mimics pregnancy hormones...so I'll be getting all of those "fun" pregnancy hormone side effects that all you mommies (and daddies!) have been so fortunate to experience.

We got great news this morning...two of our little ones are 8-celled!  They are what our clinic refers to as "Grade 1" embryos (1 being the best, 4 being the poorest in quality).  The plan is to transfer them into my uterus at 1:30 p.m. today...hopefully they'll snuggle right in and make themselves comfortable for about 9 months. :)  I'm going to ask the doctor today for a picture of the little ones...and hopefully I'll be able to introduce you to them tonight!  I asked the doctor how the other two little ones were doing, and he said that one is 7-celled and one is 4-celled.  The embryologists will watch and see if they grow over the next few days, and if they make it...then they'll become "snowflakes" that we can try to add to our family later.  I am praying praying praying that they each make it to Friday or Saturday.

This morning, I read John Piper's twitter on the way to work...he twittered Psalm 52:7 - "No matter what. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever."  I thought..."Yeah!"  Although I trust my doctor and nurse to give me good advice, and I've entrusted my precious little ones to the hands of great embryologists...I trust in God's unfailing love infinitely more.  I'm not being pessimistic, because I am so hopeful...but no matter what, I trust in the steadfast love of God forever.  And my journey to "no matter what" has been a long one, my friends...believe me.  But it's true.  No matter what.

But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.

I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

Psalm 52:8-9

thirty-three

Today, I am 33...33?!?!  When did that happen?  I have to say, 33 was the first birthday that I have ever dreaded.  But now that I'm 33...it feels no different than 32; although...33 feels very different from 23. Haha.

We found out today that two of our little embies did not make it.  I am sad.  Much sadder than I thought I would be.  We decided to name each of them--"Mun", in honor of my awesome, wonderful family, and "Hoon", which is Tom's middle name...I'd like to think that Mun is a girl, and Hoon is a little Tom junior.  I am sad that their lives were so short and that I will never get to know them here on earth.  As some of you know, my dear grandma passed away about a year ago...and boy, did she love babies.  Even in her last days, when she didn't necessarily recognize everyone around her, she LOVED babies and loved playing with her great-grandchildren.  It always makes me so so so sad that she never got to meet my future children.  Well...I'd like to think that Mun and Hoon went to heaven today and that my dear, loving grandma is holding them in her arms now.

The other four are still growing comfortably in their little incubator.  One is a strong 4-celled emby, the other three are 2-celled.  The doctor said that they are looking good so far, and that they think they can pick out the best two tomorrow for transfer.  So, our transfer is set for 1:30 pm tomorrow afternoon!  Amazing.  I cannot believe it...this has been such a long journey...the fact that these embies may soon be growing inside of me literally takes my breath away!  Please pray for our dear embies...that they grow and thrive in their little warm beds...and that the transfer is successful tomorrow.

Love you all!

t&t plus six

Happy Monday, everyone!

I just received a call from our nurse.  She said that only four eggs were mature yesterday, but that six eggs fertilized, which means that 2 of those underdeveloped eggs decided to wake up and join the party.  So...that means we have six little babies.  Six.  Six!!!  I know, I know, I'm not medically considered pregnant, but I consider each one of these little embies (embryo+babies) a life and my baby.  We are already heartbroken to know that it is highly improbable for all six to survive...but we know that God is the Creator of all life, so we are going to honor their lives, no matter how brief they may be, as best we can. 

Frankly, I was wrestling all morning with the fact that we could have up to 14 embies today, and what we would do if all of them, or even if only 10 of them made it through...we'd probably end up on some TV show called T&T Plus Ten.  But I'll admit that when I first got the news from the nurse, I was a bit disappointed.  Now that I've had a chance to process the news a bit, I'm really excited and grateful that God chose to fearfully and wonderfully make each of these six embies, and I know He loves them even more than we could even imagine we could love them.

This morning, I meditated on one of my favorite Psalms...Psalm 139, and it captured so beautifully how I am feeling today as I pray for my little embies:

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Amen. :)

eggs over easy

We got 14 eggs!  Praise the Lord!  The doctor said that the average number of eggs retrieved is 10-12, and called me an overachiever.  I thought...."I'm not an overacheiver!"  Of course, then I heard him tell the woman next to me that they retrieved 20 eggs from her, so I felt a little sad.  HAHA.  I guess I am an overachiever. :)

I still have a considerable amount pain, so I'm not up to writing a lot right now....will update about the procedure tomorrow.  Currently, the little eggies are hanging out with Tom's spermies in a glass (hence, in vitro) petri dish, and we'll find out how many eggies/spermies make it to the embryo stage tomorrow.  :)

shots, shots, shots!

Last night's trigger shot went really well--Shot Man deserves his nursing certificate.  He's become a pro at injections and it barely hurt! :)  That said, PRAISE THE LORD that there are no more injections left for this cycle.  It occurred to me, as I was cleaning up the empty boxes left over from all of the meds I took, that I should have taken a picture of the scary sight that barely arrived (due to Snowmaggedon) about 4 weeks ago.  But I didn't because I almost fainted when I saw everything.  So I went online to find some pics of the mountains of meds that I received in a box that looked like this:

Here's the closest picture I could find of the contents with Bravelle instead of Gonal-F, and without a lot of the syringes and needles I received or the Endometrin that I'll have to take over the next couple of weeks (which may explain some of the horror I felt as I was inventorying all of the drugs to make sure I received everything):

And here is what I have left:

Yay!  And all of these drugs made my vineyard, I mean, ovaries look something like this:  

And all of this explains why I feel like poop this morning.  I had a really restless night (I think that trigger shot gave me some really scary, wacky dreams) and it hurts to do anything but lay down.  So I'm missing a church meeting today and putting myself on self-imposed bedrest. :(

As for tomorrow, we are due at Shady Grove's Rockville office (where they perform all of their surgical procedures for all Shady Grove patients) at 7:45 am.  I'll get an IV for sedation and connected to monitoring equipment (e.g. heart and oxygen monitor).  Then they'll insert an ultrasound probe so the doctor can see the follicles on the ultrasound monitoring screen...then he will pass a small needle through my vaginal wall and into each follicle and remove all of the fluid (and hopefully eggs!) from the follicle.  He'll then pass the fluids to the embryologist who will take them into the lab to extract the eggs and let them "mingle" with Tom's little guys. :)

I'm a little scared...when we did this with one egg last year, I remember being under and then kind of screaming during the procedure because it hurt.  I think I need to tell my anesthetist that tomorrow...right? Because from all of the forums I've read, I should be knocked out and shouldn't feel a thing....

Alrighty then...the big day's almost here, and...no more shots!!!  YAY!

so just pull the trigger

Well, folks...today's report is proof positive that God answers very specific prayers...as we prayed, we will be triggering tonight and the egg retrieval will take place on Sunday morning at 9:15 am.

That means that tonight will be (hopefully) the last shot that Shot Man has to give me.  This is the hCG trigger shot, which is a dose of the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin, which normally is produced by the body after implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterine lining. Basically, this is what gives the eggs that final push to maturity and causes the follicles to release their eggs.  Shot Man has to give me this shot tonight, exactly 36 hours before the egg retrieval.

I feel really, really bloated.  It's a really unpleasant feeling, and it hurts just to walk.  I am looking forward to just hanging out and relaxing all weekend in my velour track suits--which Tom hates, but I LOVE.  You know you want one. ;)

Oh, just for recordkeeping purposes, today's report:

Follicles: 23.6mm, 21.1mm, 19.2mm, 17.2mm, a few at 16mm, 15mm, and 14mm
Lining: 18.6mm
Estrogen: 3000 (a little high, so we're doing half the dose of the hCG shot)

Trigger shot occurs as 9:15 pm tonight.  Please pray for me and Tom--this is the most difficult of all the shots because it is an intramuscular injection (right in the buttocks), and from what I remember last year, it hurt....

Thanks, everyone!  I will try to describe the egg retrieval process tomorrow...otherwise, I'll try to update on Sunday!  TGIF!

close, but no cigar

Well, I went to my appointment this morning, and spoke with the doctor who examined me, and she said everything will be okay.  I talked to my primary nurse, too, and she said it'll be fine.  I had to get some more medication today...but it's all taken care of now, so I feel better. :)

The follicles are taking their sweet ol' time getting to the magic size.  I have one good one at 19mm, 17mm, and 16mm, and many small ones trailing behind.  Our estrogen level is at 1900, which is right where it should be for a trigger.  So we're close to triggering, but not tonight.  It's very possible that we'll trigger tomorrow or, if not tomorrow, on Saturday.  Let's pray it's tomorrow--otherwise, I'll have to take Monday off.

I'll let you know of any more details if I hear of them!  Thanks for checking in!

OMG

Well, I went again this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound.  Today's report:

Follicles: 1 at 18mm, 1 at 16.5mm, a few at 13mm, 1 at 11mm, and a couple at 10mm

Lining: 14.5mm (the nurse again declared, "perfect!")

Estrogen: 1510

We got instructions to decrease the Gonal-F to 150 and keep the other meds at the same dosage levels.  We had a bit of a scare tonight because we didn't realize that we are out of Menopur.  It was a stressful 10 minutes, as Tom called the doctor's office (I was a stunned into a state of paralysis) and we waited for the on-call doctor to call us back.  Fortunately, the doctor said that this is a common occurrence and told us to up the dosage of Gonal-F to 225...she assured Tom that Gonal-F and Menopur do the same thing...I am skeptical, though, because they have had Tom inject me with both for the last week and a half!  And if it's true, then they are really cruel because the Menopur is SO painful.  I guess I'll just have to trust the doctor at this point.  And I'm going to have to get some more drugs from the doctor's office tomorrow.  Sigh.

I feel like there is a balloon slowly inflating inside of my stomach.  It is the most lovely feeling in the world....:/

Well--I will be back tomorrow with my latest report after my morning appointment.  I'm pooped--that was way too much excitement for one night.  Good night!

new kid on the block...

I started my new job yesterday...great timing, right?!? I applied for this job back in September and, in typical big government bureaucratic fashion, it only took them 6 months to bring me on board (I got my offer in November...haha!). Anyway, when I finally got my start date and found out that my egg retrieval and embryo transfer would take place during my first two weeks at work, I was REALLY nervous...but I called my new supervisor and let him know before I came on board and he was really understanding. I didn't tell him that I'm undergoing IVF treatment, and he didn't ask. Tom and I are so thankful for my job opportunity for many reasons and, in retrospect, we realize that if we had gotten pregnant sooner, it is very possible that I wouldn't have even applied for this job!  I miss my friends at DOT dearly, though...I feel a little lost without them!

Anyway, I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound today. The nice nurse printed out a report of my follicles for me:

Basically, all it says is that I have a 16mm follicle in each ovary, and some other smaller ones trailing behind, and that my lining is 14.1mm (the nurse told a visiting resident from NIH that it is perfect!).  She seemed to be very pleased with how everything is looking, and later my primary nurse called to say that my estrogen level is 1008 and that everything is looking great.  They are going to keep me on the same dosages and I go back tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork.  I asked the nurse performing the ultrasound when they will likely trigger me (which is an intramuscular injection that Tom has to give me exactly 36 hours before they retrieve the eggs), and she said that they won't trigger me until at least four of my follicles are at least 18mm.  She estimated that it will take a couple of days, so it looks like the egg retrieval won't occur until, at the earliest Friday and at the latest Sunday.

We're now praying that the egg retrieval happens on Sunday, and that we do a 5 or 6 day blastocyst transfer (I'll explain more when we get there) so that the embryo transfer doesn't occur until Friday or Saturday of next week...thereby minimizing the time I need to be out of work.  I know that is really specific, but God has heard all of our prayers during this cycle, so I'm going to pray in faith!!! :)

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement.  We are so blessed to have you in our corner!