my favorite

March 12 is one of my very favorite days.

It's one of my favorite because it's the day that my favorite person was born. (I'd like to sit here and write all of the things I love about my favorite, but I'd run out of space, and he'd be really embarrassed.)

He didn't want to do anything for his birthday, so we just went out to a family dinner at a local restaurant.

And even though it was his birthday, he let G sit next to him and fed him dinner. (No easy task with an increasingly stubborn 1 year old!)

That's just the kind of guy he is.

I like him so much, I got a pair of these, so no one would ever wonder who I belong to.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. Song of Solomon 6:3

thirty-five

I'm 35 today! THIRTY-FIVE!

A few days ago, I was telling my younger, hotter, hipper sister how much I have loved my thirties. Much more than my twenties. I just feel more comfortable in my own skin.

She told me it's because I have everything.

I don't know about that. But I do know that I'm blessed beyond words.

I'm so thankful for 35 years filled with love from all of the people God has put in my life. It's nothing short of our Almighty's grace and providence.

Looking forward to so many more!

525,600 minutes

Dear G,

Happy birthday! You are officially no longer an infant; you are now a toddler! We had a superfun party on Saturday at the farm down the road from our house. Lots of friends and family came to celebrate, and it was a perfect day to go and have an adventure together.

After the dust from the fun day settled, you and I snuggled together and, as you fell asleep, I realized that even though we had an amazing time (minus a couple of close meltdown-inducing moments for me), being there with you and Appah in that very moment was my favorite part of the day! As I laid there next to you, listening to your even little breaths, slighty labored from your perpetual day care congestion, I thought of that first night we met. Halmoni used to tell me that, although labor is painful and difficult, once you see the baby, all of that pain is overwhelmed by joy and love. I don't know if I ever believed her, but I will testify now that it is absolutely true. The minute I met you, nothing else seemed to matter and it was love at first sight.

What I have to add, though, is this: each and every moment since we first met has been better than the last. Even, and maybe most especially, the hard times because, in those moments, you have shown me what it means to be a momma. It's a tough job, and I'm not always that good at it. Sometimes, I lose my cool; sometimes, I don't give you what you need; and sometimes, I'm too permissive. No matter what, though, every moment has ended in a snuggle. It doesn't matter what I do or I don't do -- you just need me to be there for you, for now.

As I prepared for the party, I thought a lot about our journey to you and through this year. I also looked back at all the pictures we took this year. We organized them by seasons in our files, and I couldn't help but think of the song "Seasons of Love." Really, how do we measure a year? It goes by so fast. 525,600 precious minutes, and each minute, exciting or mundane, is a minute we'll never get back. But if we measure them in love, those minutes will last in my heart for as long as I live. Each minute is a thread in a tapestry that we'll be able to look back at and hopefully say, "It wasn't perfect, it wasn't always easy, there were some dark threads there, but it sure did turn out to be beautiful." And, even though I can only look at part of the finished product, I can already say that it was beautiful. That the dark spaces actually illuminate the bright ones we share now.

I would be remiss to not mention how much my heart ached that Eli couldn't physically be there with us on Saturday. It's a weird thing for me to talk about, because I don't think people like to think of such a "sad" thing on such a happy day, so I actually didn't share my feelings about it with anyone, not even Appah. But, as you know, the theme of the party was "UP!", so when I went to make the favors, I was looking for something to write on them and I remembered a phrase from the movie that I loved, "Thanks for the adventure. Now, go have a new one! Love, Ellie." When I read that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been feeling guilty towards you and Eli. For being reluctant to be 100 percent happy with you, and for being reluctant to move on without Eli. And when I remembered that phrase, I felt free. Free to remember Eli, and free to have new adventures with you every day. How I love my children is not a zero-sum game. I can love you both, and that love can be different and the same. So, in a quiet moment at the end of the party, I held you in my arms after you passed out, and we let a little red balloon go up into the sky, in hopes that Eli felt our love, and with excitement for all of the new adventures that lie ahead for our family.

Uncle Devan made a video of the day for us. I love it. He let me pick the songs. Of course, I love to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you because you are, after all, my sunshine :), so that had to go in there. Feist's Sesame Street version of "1-2-3-4" is your favorite, so that was a given. And I love "We're Gonna Be Friends" -- it just seemed like a perfect song for the day. The last song is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole. I love that song so much. And when he sings, "Someday I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....." You don't know how much I prayed to wake up to your smiling face...and now I get to do it every day. How lucky am I?

Thanks for making me a momma, G. I love you more than words can say. Here's the video so that you can look back someday at how handsome and precious you are in this very moment.

I love you so so so so so much, little guy. You are such a joy to me and Appah, and so many other people in your life. We're looking forward to making many more fun memories together!!!

Love,
Umma