content

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

Y'all...I'm content.

I mean, yeah, I still want things.

I want to keep nursing, even though everyone I know seems to be shocked that I still am. Even my sweet nurse friend was shocked -- she said she didn't realize that people still try and abide by the official recommendation to nurse for at least a year. I guess there's a stigma to nursing for a whole year, but it has been this amazing bonding time for me and G.

But I also want to give my sweet totsicles :) a chance at life, and my baby a chance at having siblings. Really, I feel like I would be robbing G of my undivided attention and love, but today I saw a birth story where the older brother was kissing his younger brother and it melted.my.heart. The relationship I have with my siblings is like no other, and I am so thankful my parents had so many of us. I want that for G. Me? I feel more than blessed to have G, and would be happy if he was our only. But I fear that he will be lonely if we can't provide a sibling for him.

I want sleep. I haven't slept in a year. Sleep-training has gone by the way-side, as vacay and sickness derailed it. G is back to sleeping in our bed, waking several times a night, and kicking me in the face when he's not awake.

But you know what?

I know the moments in a sleepless night are precious and the years are few. These moments, where G wakes in the night and needs me, are numbered. Some day, he will be independent and grown up (and that will evoke different tears from momma!), but for now, he needs me. And so, I will gladly, if not groggily, go to him and comfort him. It is my privilege as his momma to do so.

I know that even if G doesn't have siblings, he will be surrounded with so much love from his brothers and sisters in Christ. From his eternal family. And so, I pray for God's grace to fall on him. That he would know the love and joy that comes from being a child of God.

I know that nursing isn't the only bonding mechanism. My love for this boy runs deep. And I know he loves his momma. We're just going to have to find different ways to bond. :)

And all of this knowledge, this peace that is in my heart, is because, at the end of the day, God has given me perspective. I've been in need. I've had plenty. None of these things are permanent. What is important is the eternal and how we all fit in to the eternal.

And that, y'all, is why I can say I am content.

i have a dream

...of being a fabulously, witty, funny blogger who could quit her dayjob and get paid to blog...

...of throwing a really awesome first birthday party for my baby...

...of completing amazing DIY projects around my house...

...of cooking delicious and nutritious meals that knock G and Tom's socks off...

...of transforming into a totally fit and hot girl...

...of becoming a supermom who can juggle everything and having my kid adore me...

...and, frankly...these delusional dreams are pretty much the product of reading blogs.

Sometimes, I feel sad and inadequate after reading about other people's lives.

But then, I look at my life, and I think it pretty much rocks. I mean, I'm not any of those people I've described above, but I have an amazing family and awesome friends. A great job. A lovely home.

My life's not perfect. There are a lot of areas in which I could get better. But today, on this rainy Friday, I'm counting my blessings and thanking God for my life. All of it. Even the parts that we still need to work on. :)

Happy Friday!

my little poser

OK. So I know I promised some pics from the trip. But we're I'm tired. So...instead, please let me direct you to our so very wonderful and talented photographer's blog, where you can see a preview of our family's outdoor photo session...which you can see if you click right here.

Didn't YM do such a wonderful job?!?!?! I heart her.

Oh...and that kid is pretty darn cute. For the last couple of weeks, almost every time he sees a camera, he stops and smiles. What a ham!!!! I wonder who he got that from? Ha! Some might think it's Tom...but, actually, my mom said I was quite the ham as a little girl.

I can't wait to see all of the pictures...but the preview pics have me worried...I mean, how will I ever choose what to get printed??? ;)

Happy Friday!

guess who's back?

Hello, friends! Sorry for the long radio silence. We were on vacay in California, but I didn't really want to advertise that in the blogosphere for safety reasons. :)

Anyway, lots have happened. Lots of pics and lots of family lovin' on our little G. I'll be back to share some, hopefully tonight, but let me just say: it is a MAJOR understatement to say that traveling and recovering from jetlag while with an infant is no freaking joke! Just ask my little G-man, who was wide-awake last night at 2:00 am, looking into my closed eyes and saying, "Umma?" <3

Gah. I love that little boy. :)

how to be an american housewife

I recently joined the BlogHer Book Club and my first review is of a book called How to be an American Housewife by Margaret Dilloway. :)

In How to be an American Housewife, Shoko, a Japanese woman who married an American man, Charlie, after WWII, recounts her life story from the time she was a young girl in WWII Japan. Throughout her life, Shoko struggles with balancing her true desires and the world's expectations, especially with respect to her relationship with her brother, Taro, and her daughter, Sue. Because of a heart condition that is causing Shoko's health to deterioriate quickly, she feels the urgency to reconnect and find forgiveness from her long-estranged brother. She also finds herself wishing she and Sue had a better relationship. But because her health will not allow her to go to Japan, she enlists the help of her reluctant daughter to find and deliver a letter to Taro.

The story then turns to Sue, a 30-something single mother, who feels like she could never make her mom proud of her. She feels aimless in her career and in her life in general. But, as she travels to Japan, she begins to understand a whole new side of not only her mother, but of herself as well.

Obviously, I can relate to Sue as a woman who has lived torn between two cultures -- my Asian heritage and parents versus the American society I grew up in. In many ways, I felt like I could never please my parents enough, no matter what I did. And yet, as I grew older, I began to see that their way of being "proud" and loving me was so very different from how "Americans" show the same affections. It wasn't until I was older that I learned more about my Korean heritage and started appreciating it fully.

The book is a quick and easy read. However, I did find Shoko's "outward voice" difficult to read. I can appreciate the author's desire to remain true to Shoko's broken English, but I have to admit that I felt like it was a caricature of a non-native speaker. I guess my expectation might be a little different because my parents' English, while not perfect, is much better than that of Shoko. I think it bothered me even more because of its constant juxtaposition to her first-person narrative, which was in perfect English. Regardless, I think the story was a beautiful one about identity, relationships, and forgiveness.

I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club review, but all opinions expressed are my own.

working on my fitness

Well, my baby is officially 10 months old. We haven't gotten our act together to do our block pics for the month, but I've decided we must take them after work tonight. So, hopefully, I'll have some pics for you to enjoy tonight. :)

To celebrate my baby's 10th month, I decided to join the gym here at work. We belong to a gym by our house, but it's too hard to get there after putting G to bed: I have dinner to cook/order/cleanup, bottles to wash, praise setlists to pray for/prepare, fantasy football lineups to set, and then I'm done for the night. So, I had been putting off getting back into shape for far too long. But, it's really easy for me to go to the gym on my lunch break, if even just for 30 minutes.

And...so...I did it. I ran for the first time since before we started our IVF cycle that brought us our sweet baby G. And it felt good. I don't know why I always forget how good I feel after working out. The hardest part for me is getting motivated to do it. But once I do, it is so worth it...it feels AWESOME!

Oh, I also tried Zumba. Tried being the operative word. Man, my hips just do NOT move like that!!! I'm not very coordinated, so I don't think it has anything to do with my Asian-ness...but, and please excuse me for being so wrong about this here, in order to keep a good sense of humor about the whole thing, I kept saying to myself, "I bet these other very coordinated ladies can't fan dance like I could." Except...I can't fan dance. Haven't ever even tried. I was born in America. No, really, please, just dump that stereotypical image from your brain right this minute. I'm just trying to give you a sense of what I was thinking. Seriously.

As a side note: in every single gym class I've taken, there's always a really sweet old lady who looks about 90 years old (I mean, what is she still doing working???) who goes to every class and shakes her booty in a I'm-barely-moving sort of way. Part of me is always terrified that she's going to slip and break a hip but, mostly, I just smile because she is so cute, and I hope that I can be like that in my old age. But yeah: even she looked better than I did.

Anyway, I realized that my workout wardrobe is woefully inadequate. Today, I went looking for some good workout gear and realized I want to know just one thing: WHY ON EARTH DOES WORKOUT GEAR COST SO DANG MUCH? I'm kinda digging these workout skirts, but is shelling out $65 worth it? I dunno. If you have any good suggestions about workout clothes, I'm all ears.

I'm also intrigued by these:

Hmm...that pic is small, but it's so cute that I don't want to fix it. LOL. Anyway, I have really bad knees, and I've been reading that running barefoot helps eliminate knee problems. Other than the fact that they are hideous, I think this might be a good thing to try out. Has anyone out there tried it? The other suggestion I've read is to just wear cheap watershoes...which I just bought while at the beach. Perhaps I'll try it this weekend! Yay for fitness! Now I just need to update my iPod with some running tunes, and I'll be good to go!

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!!!

hurt so good

To say I miss Scout would be an understatement. Tom's been gone this week and returns tonight (hurrah!), and so his absence has made her absence even more noticeable. Even when G is awake, the house just feels so empty. When he's asleep, the emptiness is almost unbearable.

I miss the way she would lay at my feet, wherever I was, and the moment I moved an inch, even if just to scratch my nose, she'd leap up in gleeful expectation of a game of fetch.

I miss the way, when I would get ice from the machine, she'd barrel towards me and sit, panting for an ice cube, like it was a million dollar treat.

I miss the way, when I turned off the TV, she'd head towards the door excitedly, knowing we were about to crash for the night and she'd get her last potty break.

Everywhere I turn, there are memories of her in our house. Tom forgot to pack some of her toys, bones, and water bowl, and every time I stumble over one, I nearly burst into tears.

At night, before I fall asleep, with my eyes closed, I think about ways to get her back, wondering if maybe her new family doesn't want her anymore. I wonder if she looks for me all day.

But then I picture those girls loving her. The sweet little hugs they kept giving her. Her happy face as she was surrounded by such love. And I know she's in the right place. My guilt of failing her dissapates a little at a time, every time I picture that scene.

My friend said I need to move on past the guilt. That grief from separation is normal...but that this guilt I'm imposing on myself is not normal and not healthy when I have helped her find a great home. My friend is wise. And she's a dog-lover and owner. She really helped me put it into perspective. :)

So, I'm letting it hurt so good today. This hurt...this pain...it's good for all involved. I'm releasing her and myself from the guilt.

But, I did tell the family that if it doesn't work out, we will take her back, no questions asked. I'm not sure if I could ever let her go again if she did come back. :)