27 weeks: quack quack

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. He's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing his eyes, and perhaps even sucking his fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While his lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if he were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother him, so just relax and enjoy the tickle.

Ladies and gents, I'm happy to say that this is the last week of my 2nd trimester!  Hoorah! :)  We're continuing to make some progress on the nursery front--we bought a changing table that matches our crib from the Pottery Barn outlet store, and we bought the paint for our nursery because Sherwin Williams is having a paint sale!  Our glider and ottoman came in, but we need to go pick it up from the store.  Unfortunately, since we don't have an SUV or truck, we're going to rent a truck from a store, and go and get the suckers...and we'll probably have to recruit a strong friend to help Tom get them from the truck to the room since there's little to no chance that I'll be able to help in any way, shape or form--besides "managing" where they should go, of course!

I'm "glad" to report that the pregnant waddle is in full force.  I was walking down the hallway at work the other day, and I realized how much I'm waddling.  It made me think of this substitute teacher we had in elementary school.  I can't remember her name, but I do remember she was MEAN.  She would yell at us all the time, and she would bring in these wooden quacking ducks on wheels.  They were strung together, and she would pull them along and say, "if it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it is a duck."  Now...I don't know...that was a long time ago, so my memory must be failing me, but I am not sure what her point was...except that somehow those ducks were supposed to represent me and my classmates while we were walking in line, and she didn't like us talking or something like that.  So I guess it was an insult to be compared to a duck?  I don't know.  Wow--good story, Tina--thanks for wasting everyone's precious time. ;)

Oh well.  I think I look like a duck when I walk--I hope no one's quacking at me.  Eh, whatever...quack quack. :)

wordless wednesday: boys clothes can be cute, too!

I, like many moms-expecting-boys, often lament the fact that girls clothes are so cute, and boys clothes...are not as cute.  So when I saw this posted by Jill at Happy Hopefuls, I had to steal it:

Um...I die.  So cute!!!  A onesie from the Etsy Shop, Three Loves!

missing elioenai

When I was visiting home, I asked my mom if she had any dreams about the gender of the baby.  A lot of my friends have said their moms or grandmas would call them up and say they dreamt about some sort of animal or something or other that supposedly symbolized the baby's gender and were almost always right.  My mom said that she had only one dream.  In that dream, we were at the hospital and she was holding the baby for the first time, and the baby, a girl, was just smiling at her.  In her dream, she thought, "Wow, I didn't know babies could smile this early?"  Interestingly, all my dreams were about a little girl, too, which was why I was a little surprised to find out that Grant is a boy.  When I was having this conversation with my mom, I realized that maybe Elioenai was a girl.  Mom agreed.

Although I don't talk about her on this blog much anymore, I think about and miss my sweet Elioenai everyday.  And today, for some reason, I really really really miss her.  It's still hard trying to juggle my grief for her and my joy for Grant.  I feel guilty about having both of these emotions.  It's hard for me to see twins, mommies pregnant with twins, or twin birth announcements.  It's difficult to find the words to say when someone who didn't know about Eli's passing asks how the twins are doing because, quite frankly, I hate awkwardness and the last thing--and the only thing--I want to do is burst into tears.  So the only words I can muster up are, "There's only one now."  And then I feel SO guilty because I want so badly to say something about Eli, but all I can do is think about how to end the conversation and get the heck out of there.

I've heard that I should be grateful that we only have one baby, because it is going to be an easier pregnancy and an easier time when Grant comes out.  Maybe they're right.  But, frankly, I'd rather be doubly tired, doubly huge, and doubly frazzled than have half of my heart feel so empty. 

I'm sure there are some people who feel like I should just "get over it" and be strong for Grant. I wish it were that easy, but I just can't.get.over.it, and I don't think denying his sister's existence and burying my feelings will make me a better mom to him in the long run. 

I bet there are some people who think I'm being an ungrateful little twit because I still have my Grant with me.  But I can't say enough how beyond thankful I am, nor can I tell you in words how I beat myself up everyday for how I feel because I know there are so many women out there with empty wombs and I worry about how my sadness could affect Grant.

But the one thing I know for certain is how much God loves me and wants to heal my heart.  He holds me and reminds me how much He cares for me and how, even if no one else does, He understands what I am feeling to an even greater magnitude because He had to turn away as His Son suffered and died, so that I might live. 

I'm really glad that I asked my mom about her dream because it makes me think of a smiling Eli in heaven and I'm glad my mom got to see her smiling face.  It brings me comfort, in some small way.

Blessed be His name.

Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return.

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;

blessed be the name of the LORD.

Job 1:21

26 weeks: jackpot dreams

The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel. If you're having a boy, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take about two to three days.

Hello, everyone!  26 weeks!  Can you believe it?  If Grant comes on our due date, then we only have 14 weeks to go.  If, heaven forbid, I develop preeclampsia, the OB said they'll induce me at 37 weeks...which is only *gasp* 11 weeks away!

I led praise yesterday at church, which entails a lot of loud music blaring my way, and I was wondering if Grant could hear everything, now that his hearing is more developed and sensitive now.  I did feel a series of punches and kicks at one point, so maybe!

Although I've had to use the restroom more frequently, I have noticed that this urge has picked up considerably in the last week.  I think it's because Grant is using my bladder as a punching bag/chair/bed.  It's weird...sometimes I'll have just gone to the bathroom, and as soon as I walk out, I have to turn myself around and go again!  Craziness. 

Sleeping is getting more difficult, too.  I think I need to bite the bullet and order myself a pregnancy pillow.  I'm so tired.  I do have really vivid dreams, now, though.  The other night, I dreamt that I was at the PowerBall number drawing ceremony and I won $12 million!  That was exciting.  In my dream, all I could remember was calculating how much I'd give to each of my family members.  If only....When Tom comes at me with his monthly request to consider moving back to California, I kindly remind him that I would love to, if only I didn't love my job so much and loathe the idea of finding a non-Federal job in California.  I always tell him that if we won the lottery and I never had to work again, I would happily move back.  I think my dream was the part of my heart that misses being close to my parents and other family members, especially now that Grant is on the way.  I guess I especially want all of our families to live close to one another now because I grew up with a gazillion cousins in Phoenix and we just had a blast, and I want Grant to have the same thing.  But I know he has a pretty awesome "family" here, too....and I'm so very grateful for all of them! I guess this just means that, wherever Grant goes, he has lots of people to call his family.  :)

real love

I heart Pottery Barn for many reasons.  They gave me one more reason to love them--a mere TWO days after I ordered Grant's crib, it was on sitting on our doorstep!  Amazing! 

Tonight, we decided to put the crib together, and doing that just made Grant that much more real to me.  I mean, I know he's real...I've seen him on so many ultrasounds, I've felt his kicks get stronger and stronger...but something about putting that crib together, and discussing where the crib and the dresser should go just made it seem so...official.  We LOVE the crib.  I did lots of research beforehand (thanks to my indecisiveness), and I kept going back to this crib.  Tom seems to like it a lot, too.  It's clean and sturdy...sort of the theme of the room. :) 

So...here's what the nursery looks like so far:

Isn't it spiffy?  I just want to run out now and get the mattress and bedding...but, oh, wait...I'm indecisive, remember?  I heart the room.

After we put the nursery together, I was reminded of an old baby picture of mine.  Actually, you can't really see me...it's a picture of my parents surrounding me in my bassinet when I was only four days old.  It's one of my favorite pictures, and I went on a tear through my house to find it.  Lo and behold, here it is:

Forgive the poor quality of the picture (I really need to get on the ball and start using the scanner that is just sitting in our office instead of taking pictures of my pictures on my Droid), but isn't this the cutest picture ever?  My parents are just so lovely.  They were so young...in a new country...so hopeful....and I had the privilege of making them parents for the first time.  I wonder how they felt in this picture--probably tired and overwhelmed.  But when I see this picture, the only word I can think of is love.  Real love.  And I can't wait to experience the kind of love they must've felt just days after they became parents.

I know a lot of people say this...and, sadly, there are people who have never even thought this once in their lives...but I have the best parents ever.  Are they perfect?  No, but who is?  Regardless, they really are the best parents ever.  I have never met two people who just poured themselves out continually for their families and friends.  People who gave and gave and gave, and never expected anything in return.  When it came to us kids, I don't think we ever doubted their love...nor did we ever feel like we needed anything more than each other.  I'm sure they had dreams for me. The way they've worked so hard and sacrificed so much to give me a better life than they had...I'm convinced they had big dreams for me. I have a lot to learn from them about being a great parent to Grant...and I'm so thankful that I have them here to guide me.

And Grant is a lucky kid to have them as grandparents.  One of the hardest things about our infertility was not being able to give my parents a grandchild.  I hope he knows how much all of his grandparents have been praying for him.  And I hope he brings them great joy. :)

welcome august ICLWers!

Hi there!  If you're visitng my blog for the first time via ICLW, welcome!  I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant after 3.5 years of primary infertility and IVF/ICSI, as well as the loss of our baby's twin.  If you'd like to learn more about our journey, click on the "Welcome", "Our Journey to Baby Grant", and "About" pages above.

If you are still waiting to become pregnant and this is blog is too painful for you to read, I totally understand the need to not read it, and I am praying that you will get your BFM very soon.

Again...welcome, and happy ICLW!

100 days

Well, folks...the little ticker on my blog says that we are about 100 days away from meeting little Grant.  I'm kind of excited about that, because I remember when I first put that ticker up, and it said something like, "You have 254 days to go."  That seemed like such a long time, and here we are already...only 100 days away!

I like the number 100.  It's a nice, even number.  It means you scored perfectly on your exam (I know, I'm a nerd).  During my senior year of high school, my friend Amanda and I made a paper chain for the last 100 days of school, and each day we would gleefully cut one of the links off to see how close we were getting to graduation.  The 100th day of a baby's life is very important and celebrated in Korean culture because, before modern times, many babies had difficulty surviving through that time. 

Well...if Grant comes in 100 days, I'd be surprised...I have a feeling he is going to come earlier...but I'll enjoy every minute of these days, because I am loving this bond we are developing as mommy and her little boy.  I won't lie and say pregnancy is all roses, but I really do love being pregnant, and I know that the time to literally (and someday figuratively) cut the umbilical cord will come too soon for this mommy.  Every little kick he gives me reminds me of God's amazing grace, and though I'm not necessarily looking forward to the pains of the third trimester and delivery (I'm so freaked out), I will do my best to cherish them because they are more signs that God has granted (no pun intended) us our little boy. 

So, happy 100 days-to-go to my little Grant.  I love you so very much.