I wish I were a stronger person, but I cannot help being fearful of so many things. Recently, I realized a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm a firstborn child. I've observed many parents with their firstborns...they hover around them, chase after them, sterilize everything, and you always hear, "Be careful! That's dangerous!" Then the second and third kids come around, and the kids fall on the ground and their parents say, "Oh, it's okay." The pacifier falls on the floor, and the parents just pick it up and wipe it on their pants and stick it right back in the baby's mouth. I was always the kid who was afraid of everything. When my siblings and cousins would be doing things that I thought were dangerous, I'd just sit in the back and watch. I have an active imagination, so I could just imagine all of the things that could go wrong. Some might say that my profession is a perfect fit, because lawyers are typically thought of as risk-averse "naysayers" who dream up every possible bad scenario for their clients (all in the name of being a good counselor, of course!).
Well, I would be lying if I said that I haven't been fearful throughout this entire journey. And I can't even begin to tell you about the things that run through my mind about our bean and this pregnancy. With each ultrasound and each test, I expect to hear really bad news. Though I bought Tom a fetal doppler for my own peace of mind, I held off on buying it for a long time, because I didn't know if I really wanted to put myself in the position to be the one who can't find my baby's heartbeat. I've already freaked out a couple of times, thinking there is no heartbeat...each time, Tom has calmly come over and found the heartbeat. The bean must really like daddy. So do I. What would I do without my strong husband?
I went in last Friday to get my second trimester bloodwork done, a test mainly for spina bifida, a neural tube birth defect, which can be very severe and require surgery for treatment, although surgery may not completely resolve the problem. My OB's office called me yesterday with the results--my test for spina bifida showed that I had elevated levels of alpha-fetoprotein (AFP), which may be an indicator for spina bifida. My OB told me not to freak out yet, because she thinks that it might have to do with Elioenai's body still being in my body. I tried, friends. I really did. I tried not to freak out. But I couldn't help it. I freaked out. And I cried. And I googled. And the whole time, I couldn't help but ask God why this has to be SO hard...and why just one thing couldn't be easy.
My OB is referring me to a fetal specialist to get an ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay. I'm trying not to think about the worst case scenarios and let fear get the best of me. I know that these tests often yield false positives. I know that Elioenai's body might have something to do with it. I know that everything could very well be just fine. I know we just need to get the ultrasound to see what is going on. And whatever happens, we will deal with it and praise God for our bean. But I am scared for our little bean. I just want him/her to be ok. Unfortunately, the specialist can't see us until 7/13, and when you're worried, that seems like a lifetime away. I'm praying that God will calm this anxious heart until then.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
what IF?
Happy Friday, friends! I wanted to post a poignant and moving video from someone I only just discovered on the web, but who I can relate to so well (IF is the abbreviation commonly used for infertility):
I love this video. It is so simple and so beautifully done. Thanks, Keiko, for sharing this with the world.
I love this video. It is so simple and so beautifully done. Thanks, Keiko, for sharing this with the world.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
17 weeks: a turnip of events
Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop.
My little turnip. :) It seems like the bean is growing faster and faster. I've been having quite a few dreams about the bean lately. In all of them, the bean is a little girl. Which is funny, considering the fact that, up until about 2 weeks ago, I was convinced I was having a boy. And now I feel like it'll be a girl. Either way, we'll be so excited. And we get to find out in only 2 1/2 weeks! Hooray!
A lot has happened since I last posted. Tom and I decided to get trees planted in our backyard. Two to be exact. One for our sweet Elioenai, and one for the bean. They are our twin trees--a maple and a river birch. Different, but the same. Both alive...just like our babies--one alive here and one alive in heaven. As I've been processing our loss of Eli, I have been wondering how to tell our little bean about his/her twin. When we decided to get the trees planted, I realized it would be a great way to tell the bean about Eli. I don't want to pretend like Eli never existed. But with only a few precious pictures of Eli, I wasn't sure how we'd do it. Hopefully, the trees will help the bean from even a very young age begin to understand that he/she had a sibling. I've also been contemplating planting some sort of memorial garden in our front yard--maybe a hydrangea bush for our little lost embies. But that may be a project we will defer until later. Anyways, here is a picture of our new baby trees:
Also a huge thank you to my paternal grandfather--who showed up in my dream on Father's Day to hold my sweet bean--who passed away my senior year of high school. He lived with us and helped raise me from the day I was born. He was the sweetest grandpa you could ask for. Sure, sometimes he was grumpy, as grumpy old men can be, but for the most part, his love for his grandchildren and his children was so evident in whatever he did. He loved to ride Jen's pink banana seat bike around the neighborhood ("Hey, I saw your grandpa riding your sister's bike yesterday!"), wash the driveway (we thought that was normal), wrap fried chicken in napkins at the buffet and stuff them into my grandma's huge purse (I always thought we were gonna get caught), make ramen or hotdog kimchee chigae (still my favorite comfort foods) in time for us kids to eat when we got home from school, and was just all around a great grandpa.
A thank you, too, to my maternal grandfather, who loves to tell stories and share his opinions about the world in general. When I was in law school and I'd visit him, he'd love to buy me jjajangmyun and tell me about his life in Koreatown. He was quite adept at getting around Koreatown via the bus system, and before my uncle decided to move to Orange County, would never miss a day without visiting and hanging out with my grandmother in her nursing home.
Finally, a happy first Father's Day to my dear Tom. He's so great with children and every time I see him with other babies/kids, I get more and more excited to see what kind of dad he's going to be. I think he'll be the funnest dad around and that the bean is going to have him wrapped around its little finger. Oh, I can't wait.
Well, I think I've extended my welcome here. Hope you all had a great time celebrating the fathers in your lives this weekend. Bye bye!
My little turnip. :) It seems like the bean is growing faster and faster. I've been having quite a few dreams about the bean lately. In all of them, the bean is a little girl. Which is funny, considering the fact that, up until about 2 weeks ago, I was convinced I was having a boy. And now I feel like it'll be a girl. Either way, we'll be so excited. And we get to find out in only 2 1/2 weeks! Hooray!
A lot has happened since I last posted. Tom and I decided to get trees planted in our backyard. Two to be exact. One for our sweet Elioenai, and one for the bean. They are our twin trees--a maple and a river birch. Different, but the same. Both alive...just like our babies--one alive here and one alive in heaven. As I've been processing our loss of Eli, I have been wondering how to tell our little bean about his/her twin. When we decided to get the trees planted, I realized it would be a great way to tell the bean about Eli. I don't want to pretend like Eli never existed. But with only a few precious pictures of Eli, I wasn't sure how we'd do it. Hopefully, the trees will help the bean from even a very young age begin to understand that he/she had a sibling. I've also been contemplating planting some sort of memorial garden in our front yard--maybe a hydrangea bush for our little lost embies. But that may be a project we will defer until later. Anyways, here is a picture of our new baby trees:
Father's Day also came and went. Tom was on a camping trip all weekend, so we didn't get to celebrate. But, I wanted to say how much I've appreciated all the men in my life. First, to my sweet daddy, who is so sacrificial and loving, gave me confidence to be whoever I wanted, never ceases to make me laugh, and, most importantly, loves my mommy more than anyone on earth (and isn't afraid to show us kids--sometimes sweet, sometimes gross!). He is amazing. And he is really the reason why I knew I would meet someone as great as Tom someday.
Also a huge thank you to my paternal grandfather--who showed up in my dream on Father's Day to hold my sweet bean--who passed away my senior year of high school. He lived with us and helped raise me from the day I was born. He was the sweetest grandpa you could ask for. Sure, sometimes he was grumpy, as grumpy old men can be, but for the most part, his love for his grandchildren and his children was so evident in whatever he did. He loved to ride Jen's pink banana seat bike around the neighborhood ("Hey, I saw your grandpa riding your sister's bike yesterday!"), wash the driveway (we thought that was normal), wrap fried chicken in napkins at the buffet and stuff them into my grandma's huge purse (I always thought we were gonna get caught), make ramen or hotdog kimchee chigae (still my favorite comfort foods) in time for us kids to eat when we got home from school, and was just all around a great grandpa.
A thank you, too, to my maternal grandfather, who loves to tell stories and share his opinions about the world in general. When I was in law school and I'd visit him, he'd love to buy me jjajangmyun and tell me about his life in Koreatown. He was quite adept at getting around Koreatown via the bus system, and before my uncle decided to move to Orange County, would never miss a day without visiting and hanging out with my grandmother in her nursing home.
Finally, a happy first Father's Day to my dear Tom. He's so great with children and every time I see him with other babies/kids, I get more and more excited to see what kind of dad he's going to be. I think he'll be the funnest dad around and that the bean is going to have him wrapped around its little finger. Oh, I can't wait.
Well, I think I've extended my welcome here. Hope you all had a great time celebrating the fathers in your lives this weekend. Bye bye!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
random fun
During Tom's parents' recent visit to the VA, FIL bought us each a regular sized Snickers bar. I could only eat half, and even before I finished that half, I found myself getting sick of it. Which is so weird because I think Snickers is about the best candy bar ever.
It was then that I realized that Snickers is best in a fun size portion. The minis are just too small and you have to eat at least two to be happy. And I just enjoyed a delicious fun size Snickers bar, so I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm right about this. :) Mmmmmmm....Snickers really satisfies.
Many of you know that I love the show Glee. Really, I love most musicals. There are many reasons...but one of the main reasons is that, oftentimes, while I'm walking down the street, I sing a song to myself in my head and I pretend like I'm in a music video. I even walk to the beat of the song. The songs vary, depending on my mood, the weather, and other nonsensical factors. Glee and musicals validate my lifestyle choice to be a weirdo. But hey, the way I see it, I'm a happy weirdo. If everyone in the world broke out into song from time to time to express their feelings, it would be a happier, more peaceful place. (Actually, I don't know if I really believe that, but hey...I'm in lala land, so I'll just go with it.)
Random, I know. That's just what is going on in my brain right now. One day left before the weekend! Hooray!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
laugh with me
I know my posts lately have been a little sad...sorry. I was thinking..."Lord, could you give me something to write about that isn't so...dreary at times?" Well, ask and you shall receive, my friends--as you'll see, God is so awesome at answering prayers.
I was reading Beth Moore's blog today and her post, entitled "Laugh With Me" was just what I was needed...her devotional today was about Sarah and how when she found out she was pregnant, she said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me."
Thinking back now, when I saw those two beautiful pink lines for the first time and the ultrasound of the babies the first time, all I could do was laugh. It struck me as odd at the time because (as most of you know) I am a big-time crier. Everytime one of those "16 and Pregnant" girls gave birth, I would just be overcome with tears. So, I thought I should have reacted by crying at my own joyful news. And yet, when we learned about the bean and Elioenai, all I could do was laugh. Interestingly...when Tom proposed, no tears, either--just laughter...not laughing at him, of course...I was just so happy and in disbelief at how lucky I was for him to be asking me to marry him! I think he was shocked (maybe even disappointed) I didn't cry because he came all prepared with Kleenex. Isn't he soooooo cute? :) I guess when my heart is filled with so much joy, I just can't contain the laughter!
Well...I am so thankful that God brings me laughter. I'm so thankful, too, that I married someone who never fails to make me laugh, and that God continually brings people into our lives who laugh with us. I hope the bean is a joyful, happy, laughing child. I can almost imagine his/her first sweet laugh.
Thank you so much for sharing in our joy. Tom and I are beyond blessed.
I was reading Beth Moore's blog today and her post, entitled "Laugh With Me" was just what I was needed...her devotional today was about Sarah and how when she found out she was pregnant, she said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me."
Thinking back now, when I saw those two beautiful pink lines for the first time and the ultrasound of the babies the first time, all I could do was laugh. It struck me as odd at the time because (as most of you know) I am a big-time crier. Everytime one of those "16 and Pregnant" girls gave birth, I would just be overcome with tears. So, I thought I should have reacted by crying at my own joyful news. And yet, when we learned about the bean and Elioenai, all I could do was laugh. Interestingly...when Tom proposed, no tears, either--just laughter...not laughing at him, of course...I was just so happy and in disbelief at how lucky I was for him to be asking me to marry him! I think he was shocked (maybe even disappointed) I didn't cry because he came all prepared with Kleenex. Isn't he soooooo cute? :) I guess when my heart is filled with so much joy, I just can't contain the laughter!
Well...I am so thankful that God brings me laughter. I'm so thankful, too, that I married someone who never fails to make me laugh, and that God continually brings people into our lives who laugh with us. I hope the bean is a joyful, happy, laughing child. I can almost imagine his/her first sweet laugh.
Thank you so much for sharing in our joy. Tom and I are beyond blessed.
Monday, June 14, 2010
16 weeks: holy guacamole
Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.
The bean's the size of an avocado! I love me some avocado! :)
I've been sick for the past few days. It started with a sore throat, then my ears started hurting. I usually just wait things like that out, but I wanted to make sure nothing I had would hurt the baby and, frankly, I was feeling pretty miserable, so I stayed home on Friday, and went to the doctor. But, my doctor's visit reminded me once again why I prefer to just wait things out. He kindly told me that I had some fluid behind my ears, but that I should go home, take some Sudafed for my congestion, gargle with salt water, and drink honey lemon tea. All for the bargain price of $20. I just know, though, that some day, I will stay home and then have some fatal disease and end up doing a lot of damage to myself by not going to the doctor. Lovely.
I've moved back to a schedule where I get every other Monday off, in exchange for working an hour more every day. I love these precious days off. It's nice to lounge around the house and spend some time with my precious Scoutie. Today, we watched a marathon of episodes of MTV's "16 and Pregnant." I have to confess that, as an infertile, watching most of those girls go through pregnancy and the first months of the babies' lives made me want to throw things at the TV. Not all, but some of the girls just complained about how they wanted to go out with their friends and party, and how they expected their moms to watch their babies. Don't even get me started about the boys. Not one of them was remotely involved in their babies' lives. I'm not sure why I kept watching, but through each episode, I couldn't help but think...."WHY would God let these young, immature kids have babies? There are so many couples that would give their left arm to be parents and would be so good at it...but He lets these spoiled little brats have the precious experience of being mothers and fathers?" And my green friend, Envy, accompanied by her sidekick, Bitterness, were delighted to be invited in to my little pity party.
As I've mentioned, our infertility journey was filled with really dark moments. Moments where I would just sit there and look at people who had no problem conceiving and think..."WHY THEM, GOD...WHY NOT ME?!?!" My heart would just fill up with envy and bitterness and I would just turn into an ugly ugly ugly (did I mention, UGLY?) person. I hated being that person. I noticed that I became that person whenever I looked around instead of upward....when I was focused on God and who I am in His eyes, I was fine. But the minute I started looking around and started comparing my life to the lives of those around me, it was SO hard to not be envious of where they were.
As for the pregnancies of those who seem to be "undeserving" of the gift of parenthood...I was reminded of two Bible stories that Jennifer Saake pointed out in her book "Hannah's Hope":
"An angel said to unloved Hagar, "You are now with child...for the Lord has heard of your misery" (Genesis 16:11). And of Jacob's wife, the Scriptures say, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb" (29:31). While it can be anguish for us to watch, I think sometimes God allows those "unloved" women in our lives the gift/trial of pregnancy to demonstrate His love to them."
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I'm better off than these women, but I've come to realize that God uses different gifts and trials in each of our lives to bring us closer to Him. Our trial certainly brought us closer to Him in a way that I'm not sure we would've experienced without it. For those girls, God brought the joy and pain of being a mother for a purpose unknown to me...but I do know that those babies will give their mommies a love that no one else on this earth will. And once again, I'm reminded why we can say, "blessed be Your name" in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. Because He can use those desert times...those dark times...and make them into something beautiful. The struggle for me, even today, is learning how to look upward instead of outward.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
the rest of the story
Hello there. Welcome! Some of you have been reading this blog for quite some time, and some of you are new here, since I just made our blog public. For you newbies, we started this blog a few months ago, when we started our IVF (in vitro fertilization) treatments, mostly to let our families and friends know what was going on and what they could pray for. If you would like to see where we started, you can read one of our first posts here.
Along the way, it's become a place where we (well, really, I) have been able to share about our journey through infertility...a road that is sometimes painful and ugly, but sometimes mysteriously beautiful.
If you've never struggled with infertility, you are so blessed. Chances are, though, that you know someone struggling with infertility, as 1 in every 6 couples in the US are diagnosed with infertility. And, as you'll see in our case (if you feel compelled to go back and read through the entries), it's not always as easy as "drinking from the same water cooler as the other pregnant women" or "relaxing and going on vacation" to get pregnant. Infertility can be a devastating force on a person's faith, well-being, relationships and marriage. It can be a lonely journey. And, frankly, it doesn't always end happily.
I used to listen to Paul Harvey, the late ABC radio broadcaster, when I lived in Arizona. I always loved his feature called "The Rest of the Story" which would look beneath the surface of a story or a public figure. I found them intriguing and I learned that things aren't always as simple as they appear. Well, though we are so thrilled to be pregnant, there is a "Rest of the Story" for us--it is a painful journey filled with loss...the loss of our baby's twin, Elioenai, our ability to blissfully enjoy this pregnancy...and, really, if I can simplify it this way: a loss of innocence. But what we have gained in this journey is so amazing...we've gained deeper relationships with our family and friends, an awesome support network, a better understanding of what compassion means, a stronger, healthier marriage, a tested and more genuine faith, and our precious babies...one here, three in heaven. Hopefully, through our blog, you will see our journey as we do...one where God has held us closely, comforted us in the painful times, provided for us in amazing ways, and given us a peace and joy that transcends our understanding...a peace and joy that came even before we were pregnant.
So yes, we're expecting our first baby. And we are so excited to share our journey with you. But I just wanted to tell you that getting here was not as simple as it may seem. And that's the rest of the story.
Along the way, it's become a place where we (well, really, I) have been able to share about our journey through infertility...a road that is sometimes painful and ugly, but sometimes mysteriously beautiful.
If you've never struggled with infertility, you are so blessed. Chances are, though, that you know someone struggling with infertility, as 1 in every 6 couples in the US are diagnosed with infertility. And, as you'll see in our case (if you feel compelled to go back and read through the entries), it's not always as easy as "drinking from the same water cooler as the other pregnant women" or "relaxing and going on vacation" to get pregnant. Infertility can be a devastating force on a person's faith, well-being, relationships and marriage. It can be a lonely journey. And, frankly, it doesn't always end happily.
I used to listen to Paul Harvey, the late ABC radio broadcaster, when I lived in Arizona. I always loved his feature called "The Rest of the Story" which would look beneath the surface of a story or a public figure. I found them intriguing and I learned that things aren't always as simple as they appear. Well, though we are so thrilled to be pregnant, there is a "Rest of the Story" for us--it is a painful journey filled with loss...the loss of our baby's twin, Elioenai, our ability to blissfully enjoy this pregnancy...and, really, if I can simplify it this way: a loss of innocence. But what we have gained in this journey is so amazing...we've gained deeper relationships with our family and friends, an awesome support network, a better understanding of what compassion means, a stronger, healthier marriage, a tested and more genuine faith, and our precious babies...one here, three in heaven. Hopefully, through our blog, you will see our journey as we do...one where God has held us closely, comforted us in the painful times, provided for us in amazing ways, and given us a peace and joy that transcends our understanding...a peace and joy that came even before we were pregnant.
So yes, we're expecting our first baby. And we are so excited to share our journey with you. But I just wanted to tell you that getting here was not as simple as it may seem. And that's the rest of the story.
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