lingering longings

Today was our third beta, and the nurse called and said that we're still looking good.  Our beta level was 4062.  Here's another graph so you can see where we are.  It looks like we are pretty close to "singleton" (one baby) numbers...but our friends (parents of twins) said that their numbers looked like singleton numbers, too--so, who knows?

Well, actually, we'll know on Tuesday when we go in for our first ultrasound of the baby(ies).  This is not my first ultrasound...actually, I remember my first (of many many many) ultrasounds...it looked just like the movies, but I was in there because I was trying to get a diagnosis for infertility rather than to see my baby.  I did the usual changing into a thin paper "blanket", and waited alone in the dark room for the doctor, staring at the ultrasound machine.  It was not how I imagined my first ultrasound to be...and I teared up and tried my best to compose myself because I would have been so embarrassed if the doctor saw me like that.  It was so so so sad when I saw my empty womb.  I teared up, too, when we saw the babies being placed into my uterus, but they were tears of hope.  I imagine that I might be a nutcase when we go in and actually see how our baby(ies) has grown!

I've been really anxious lately.  Today, I thought about our baby(ies), and my heart hurt because I just want to see and hold him/her/them so badly.  I think that, unfortunately, our experience with infertility has robbed us a bit of the typical joy and excitement that a couple experiences when they are pregnant for the first time.  We are hopeful, but cautious.  Ready to celebrate, but prepared to mourn.  Happy, but sad for our IF friends.  I was reminded of a verse the other day that I've been trying to carry with me:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This has been one of those verses that I've always had a hard time with because I am a worrier by nature (just ask my family!).  But I'm praying for His peace...otherwise, it's gonna be a long...um, lifetime of parenthood!

singing in the rain

Hello to all, on a rainy day, from the Nation's capitol!  Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!!!  I had my first bout with morning sickness last night (yay!), I've been really tired (yay!), and the smells on the metro made me gag this morning (yay!).  I know "yay!" sounds strange, but these things remind me that the baby is still there, and I'm so thankful for each and every symptom!

I went in this morning for our second beta (blood test), and so far, everything is looking good.  As you might recall, our first beta level was 464.  Today's was 2133.  Basically, at this point in a pregnancy, the beta levels should double every 48 hours.  Our two day rate increase was 114 %!  I found a neat calculator on line at http://babymed.com/Tools/Pregnancy/hCG/Default.aspx...and thought I'd post this graphic for all you visual learners out there.  The red line is where we are...so it looks like we are right on track!

We go in for another beta on Wednesday, and then we're going to go to our first ultrasound next week! 

My parentals and my sister, H,  will be in town next week, so I can show them the baby pictures in person.  My mom was in Korea last week, and she asked what I wanted...I said "meeyuck" (seaweed) and I could hear my uncle in the background saying, "THAT is what she wants????"  Yes, friends, I love meeyuck--and meeyuck is good for you!!!  And meeyuck from Korea is soooooo good.  My mom's swell.  I'm so happy she's bringing it for me! :)  Oh, and so happy I get to see the three of them! :)

bfm

Well, my dear family and friends, after 42 months, 4 treatment cycles, 2 doctors, thousands of prayers, and God’s loving handiwork…it’s official:

Yes, you read that right--we are pregnant!  We are 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and our EDD (estimated due date) is November 28…a Thanksgiving baby(ies)! I went in for a blood test this morning for our beta levels, and our nurse called this afternoon and said my beta level is 464.  I've compared it to typical numbers online and I can't quite tell if there are one or two fishies; we won't be sure until we go in for an ultrasound.

I confess that, despite Tom’s best efforts to get me to wait, I broke down on Monday morning, and I took a home pregnancy test and we saw our very first BFP (which means Big Fat Positive in the infertility world). You have no idea how shocked we were…after taking dozens of these tests and seeing so many BFNs (Big Fat Negative), it was simply shocking to see a BFP, and we’ve sort of been in a daze ever since.  So, after that, I became a POAS (Pee on a Stick) junkie (to Tom’s dismay), and have taken a test every morning since. The test pictured above is the one we took this morning…a digital one that says, “Pregnant!" (I made Tom go and buy one last night because we ran out of the non-digital pink ones we were using, and he said, “I think three is enough, Tina.” HEHE….as you can see, I won.)  The other ones are currently lined up neatly on our bathroom countertop. I’m not sure what we’ll do with them, but after waiting so long to see two beautiful pink lines, I can’t bear to part with them just yet.

My sister, H, expressed concern about us announcing this so early, and I share some of her concerns because we’re not out of the woods yet. This baby(ies) still needs to grow inside, and the next couple of months, well…the next eight, really, are critical. But we covet your prayers for our baby(ies) more than ever. He/she/they is our BFM (Big Fat Miracle—yes…there is a whole alphabet….) and we thank God for every moment that we get to be with her/him/them.

I will go in on Monday and Wednesday for more blood tests to make sure that the beta levels are rising and then, if all systems are a go, we'll go in for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks to see how many heartbeats there are, and we’ll find out then whether we have one or two!

I have to say that today is bittersweet.  Infertility has become a part of me, and I am forever changed because of it.  While I am excited for this answered prayer, I have too many friends that continue in their struggles. Words cannot describe how much my heart hurts for each of these dear friends, and I will continue to cry out to God until He meets each of them.

Thank you, God…thank you for this miracle. We are so undeserving and so humbled by this gift.  Thank you for our family. Thank you for our friends. Thank you for the mountains and the valleys...and for bringing us through them.  Thank you for always being You…good, loving, true, awesome. No matter what…we praise You and we trust in Your steadfast love forever!

here is love

A few weeks ago, in one of my posts, I wrote about some things that were on my heart regarding our church community.  I've been thinking a lot about that post, and I wanted to followup with another post.  See, I think that post paints one side of the picture.  I wanted to write something to say thank you to so many people in our church community and beyond, who have been Jesus to us over the last few years, and especially over the last month. 

A couple of weeks ago, after the egg retrieval and before the fishies were transferred, our dear sister, Susie (thanks, Susie--we love you!), gathered a group of our church friends at our house to pray for us and this cycle.  When Susie first asked us if we would like her to arrange a prayer night, I admit I was a little hesitant.  I have no idea why, but while I have no problem being up on a stage in front of the whole church, I tend to get nervous when I am the center of attention in a small group of people.  But, after talking it over with Tom, we realized that we would be so fortunate to be covered with the prayers of our community during this whole ordeal.

Let me tell you, when all of those people showed up at our house and prayed over us, I was just overcome with emotion because it just confirmed how immeasurably blessed we are to have such great brothers and sisters.  I was really touched when a couple of our friends told us their daughters were praying for us, too!  If we are so fortunate to bring home a little one (or two!), he/she/they will be so lucky to have these faithful men and women of God as uncles and aunties....oh, and little unnies and oppahs (Korean word for older sisters and brothers), too!

We've been continually showered with love over the past month with prayers, well-wishes, and food!  Oh my goodness, we are so lucky to have such generous and kind friends who happen to be fantastic cooks!!!

I can't end this post without raving about the love of my life.  He's been so wonderful.  He has been Jesus to me.  He's so loving and patient.  He's so understanding that I am fatigued and lets me have much needed rest.  And not one complaint has escaped his mouth during this whole month (well...he rarely complains, anyway!).  He's a wonderful husband, and he's going to be a fabulous dad.

So do Tom and I have a great church community?  No...we have a great church family.  And we have awesome friends and family all over this country who have been so supportive.  Jesus is love. And here is love...through so many of you, we have been touched by Jesus.  We love you all.

glory babies

One of the wonderful privileges and joys I've had in this journey is to meet other women who have struggled with infertility.  Some of them are "in real life" friends, and others are friends that I've met online in a Christian infertility forum called "Hannah's Prayer."  As with any other type of life crisis, this shared journey instantly bonds "strangers" into a sisterhood that runs deeper than you can imagine...particularly because infertility is one of those things that are hard for people to share about with others.

My heart has been heavy for the last two days because of a wonderful woman I met on HP.  I won't go into the details of her story, for they are not mine to tell, but she has suffered so incredibly much that I have been reduced to tears several times and I sometimes feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  Honestly, there have been so many "dark" moments for me over the last few years--times when I've questioned God and why we've had to go through all of this...and I've often ended up with the "right" answers in my head, but a lack of understanding in my heart.  And when I think about what this sister has endured, I cannot imagine how it is possible for one human to endure all of it and my heart literally hurts.

So, today, I feel sad.  Sad for all the women who have lost their babies, whether they were 1 day old, like Mun and Hoon, or whether their mothers actually got to hold them in their arms.  Sad for all the women who have had their hopes to become a mother dashed month after month, year after year.  My only comfort and hope is that these babies are already in heaven, waiting to be reunited with their mommies and daddies.  They'll just have heaven before we do.

Much love to you.

Glory Baby (Watermark)
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby
Heaven will hold you before we do, heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you

Miss you everyday, miss you in every way, but we know there’s a day when we will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away when we’re home to stay, can’t wait for the day when we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people through the growing and in knowing
That all things work together for our good and God works His purposes just like He said He would

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home and it’s all you’ll ever know

grumpy smurf

Today, I am 8dp3dt (8 days past a 3 day transfer), 11dpo (days past ovulation) and one week away from my official pregnancy blood test at the doctor's office (aka "beta").  Today...if they're still in there...the fishies are about 0.1-0.2mm big, and should be almost completely implanted into the lining of my uterus, like this: http://www.visembryo.com/baby/5.html  (I found this cool website during one of my many google searches about this darn IVF stuff - it's a day by day picture that starts from conception to birth!  Again--simply amazing!)

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had no real symptoms except thirst and having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (which I think are related)...oh, and back pain...but I've had chronic back pain since I was in my early 20s. I started to freak out...but, apparently, there are lots of women who have no symptoms during the 2 week wait (2ww) who get pregnant.  Oh...I guess I've been extremely hungry and I had a massive headache yesterday that is reemerging as I type.  Haha.  I guess I have had some symptoms. 

This morning, I was washing something in the sink, and I smelled something and gagged.  Yuck.  Then ***TMI ALERT*** I noticed a little bit of spotting about an hour ago when I was in the restroom (if you're a boy, you can ask a girl what that means)...and that kind of freaked me out.  I'm trying not to freak out, because the nurse at the clinic told me that it could happen, and that it was okay.  I've also read that it could be "implantation bleeding", i.e. bleeding caused by the fishies burrowing into the lining of my uterus, which would make sense, given what stage we're in.  And now I'm starting to get cramps....hmm....and none of my clothes fit.  Sigh.

So...that's the physical...how am I doing emotionally?  Well, as you may know, I really don't like to wait.  That's the nice way of putting it.  If I'm being real, I'm very impatient.  I chalk it up to being the firstborn (and an only child for 5 years before my sister came along)...but usually when I ask for something or I want to do something, I expect it to happen right away.  So, I know it's a big character flaw, and I used to ask God to teach me patience.  Haha..I guess He's been teaching me patience through this whole infertility stuff.  You know what they say...be careful what you ask for. ;)

So....now, I'm just sitting here waiting.  And it's driving me mad.  A lot of women who undergo fertility treatments take home pregnancy tests before they get their official pregnancy blood test (a.k.a. "beta") done.  They start testing on the day of the transfer and monitor their hCG levels.  See...remember the trigger shot?  That contained the hormone hCG...which is what pregnancy tests detect when you're pregnant.  So I've read on some online forums where women actually buy like 20 tests and start testing the day after their trigger, watch the postive pregnancy line go from dark to light until the trigger shot is out of their system, and then hope to watch the line go from faint to dark again.  I didn't opt to do that....but now I'm kind of kicking myself for not doing it....I mean....for a few weeks, I was in the doctor's office and "in tune" with what was going on in my body.  And then the transfer happened....and now it's just a 15-day period of radio silence.  Boo.

So...I guess I'm feeling a bit anxious and fat.  And caffeine deprived.  I miss my Diet Coke (I decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners until who knows when....).  I'm trying to have a good attitude, but, let's face it...today, I'm a grumpy smurf.

Thanks for praying for this grumpy smurf.

our little snowflakes

Well...the weekend was packed and so it went by quickly...here's to hoping that the next 11 days go by just as fast!  Otherwise, it's been pretty uneventful...so we will just keep swimming, just keep swimming. :)

Dr. Greenhouse called with some great news today.  Both of the embies made it through the week--now they are our dear little snowflakes and will wait for us until we can go back and get them. :)  I was so excited that they both made it, that I completely forgot to ask the usual details about them.  Dr. Greenhouse did say, however, that they are very nice-looking.  Hopefully, they look something like this:

That's a high quality 5-day blastocyst.  As you can see, the embies started to rapidly divide after we left the clinic last Wednesday...to the point where they had about 150 cells!  Amazing!  I tell you, for a gal who never really had much interest in biology, I am so awestruck.

So, what have RF and BF been up to?  At this point, they should have "hatched" out of their oolemma (egg membrane) and started to implant into the lining of my uterus. 

                                    

Cool, eh?  As for me, I'm continuing to take estrogen and progesterone, and I've been having minor twinges of cramping, which I believe occurs because my uterus is expanding and because of the medication.  This morning, for the first time, I felt nausea.  I know this sounds weird, but I am praying for many, many more mornings of this feeling because it will mean that I have a growing baby(ies) inside of me!