hvd, hbd, and omg

Two years ago today, we started injections for our IVF cycle. Most romantic Valentine's Day ever. Mr. T. was telling one of our friends about how nervous he was injecting me the first time, and how I was yelling at him to just stick it in....and [OMG, I'm totally cracking up here by myself like a maniac] the whole conversation got all awkward because it just sounded...you know. HAHAHA!

Today...I took my last birth control pill, and that means we are officially off and running. I'm a little worried about my blase attitude toward this whole cycle. When I went in for my mock embryo transfer last Friday, the nurse asked me when my last AF started, and I couldn't remember and had to consult my calendar...which is such a change from two years ago, when I had every.single.freaking.detail.and.date emblazened in my mind. She laughed and said it's pretty common when the patient has a little one at home to care for...so...yeah, I'll chalk it up to that. She also said it's nice to have patients who are relaxed.

Well, lady...we'll talk again after we have these hormones injected and raging inside of me. :)

Anyhoodles...today, I get to celebrate Valentine's with my amazing husband, my answer-from-Heaven son, my lovely sister, and some dear friends. No flowers or chocolates (okay, maybe some Knock-You-Naked-Brownies a la Pioneer Woman that I made yesterday...not that I'm expecting to knock anyone naked...errrr...ummm...), just some good old quality time with some of my fave peeps in the world.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't wish my good-ol' home state of Arizona a happy 100th birthday! I know AZ has gotten a bad rap over some political stuff in the past, but it is a really lovely state with some very lovely people. We Arizonans love our state so much we even have an Arizona history unit every year in grade school. My favorite AZ history project ever was the relief map we made out of clay and got to paint in 2nd grade. But...I digress. And digress fantastically I did. :)

Anyway, HBD, Arizona, and a HVD to you all!

one step closer!

I'm not sure if I posted about this before...but as much as I love Shady Grove, I've been less than impressed with our financial counselor, both in our cycle with G and now in this FET cycle. Long story short, we are super fortunate to get some of our costs covered via insurance, but it is an HMO, and they require pre-authorization before we can proceed. I had called our financial counselor, whom we shall call Voldemort for the purposes of story-telling, back in November to make sure all our ducks were in a row this cycle, but she "forgot" to tell me that they needed new day 3 bloodwork first.

I'm going to be nice and give her the benefit of the doubt. But if I'm being totally honest with you, I think Voldemort forgot to contact them at all.

So, when I called a couple weeks ago, I was in straight-up panic mode because I thought we wouldn't be able to cycle right away. Fortunately, no thanks to Voldemort, my nurse was able to talk me down from the ledge and assure me that we could get the bloodwork and try to get everything approved in time for the procedures.

And we did it! I called the insurance company today because I totally do not trust Voldemort need to be an advocate for my own health care issues and it's all been approved. Hip hip hooray! Praise the Lord!

Of course, I called Voldemort just to make sure we're good to go, but she snapped at told me that there would be no way for her to know until Friday. In my humble opinion, people who deal with infertility patients should not be so rude. Actually, let me amend that...why do people have to be rude when they work in a service-oriented job? Or any job? Fortunately...I'm too happy and excited to let her get me down. But if we ever cycle again at SG, I'm requesting a new financial counselor!!!

We're getting closer!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

hang on, babies...

We're comin'!!! And we're going to bring you home for good on March 6.

That's right, aunties and uncles...my itty bitty embabies are coming home in 5 1/2 weeks!!!

Until then, I'm asking them to chill out. Har  har.

So yeah. This is all very public. It's a little new to me, because I had this blog password protected in our cycle for G, so while it wasn't completely private, it wasn't entirely public either. As in...I have no idea who is reading this blog. And I have no idea who knows me in real life is reading this blog.

Out yourselves, please! Haha...just kidding (sort of)....(sort of just kidding about the just kidding)...uh...yeah.

Anyway, I've been going back and forth about making these posts private until after the cycle (including the beta, i.e. official pregnancy test) or even maybe the first trimester (if we're so lucky to be pregnant again) or just not posting at all.

Because this is all just out there.

And that is a little freaky.

Because, you guys, I could not be pregnant at the end of all this, and you're going to have to witness the train-wreck of emotions that might emerge.

Or...you guys...I could actually be pregnant at the end of all this, and I'm going to have to sit on pins and needles praying that I don't miscarry (publicly, anyway) and trusting in the goodness of your hearts to not spill the beans to my employer before I do. Or out me in front of people thinking that it's public public. Or out me on Facebook. (Oh....Facebook.)

But...and this is a major but...you all have been walking with me. And I lurve you all for supporting and praying for me. And I need your support and prayers. If this journey has taught us anything, it is that we are so blessed with a great community. And we. need. you.

We need you to pray with us, to cheer us on, to cry with us, and rejoice with us.

So...can I just ask you a favor? If you know me in real life or on Facebook...could you just send me a private email or call me on the phone if you want to know what's going on or talk about it all, and not out me before I'm *ready*? I mean, if you want to stalk in silence, I'm ok with that, but please just don't talk about me without me. :)

Thanks.

I love you all. A lot.

Yay!

waiting rooms

It was so unreal to sit in our RE's waiting room this morning. Again. For the first time in almost two years.

One unspoken rule of waiting in an RE's office (at least in the DC area) is you shouldn't look around. Avert eye-contact. Look at your phone, the TV, a magazine, your feet. But don't look at the people in the waiting room.

Because it's really hard to be sitting in there.

You want to be invisible.

You don't want anyone to know you're there.

Because, even though you know that everyone else there is there for the same reason, it can be sad, humiliating, shameful, lonely, isolating, and, did I mention?, sad to be sitting there.

Just waiting.

Waiting for people to poke and prod you. Waiting for your hormone levels to be perfect, and your follicles to grow nice and big. Waiting to get a phone call from your nurse saying, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

Waiting for the waiting to be over. Finally. Already.

This morning, though, I wanted to go and hug each and every one of the women waiting with me. I couldn't help but look around and feel sad with them. Some of them were keeping busy with phones and magazines. Others were looking at their hands at their hands. Others, lost in thought, and staring off into the distance. I didn't pity them. No, I just felt sad. Because I know how hard it is. Fortunately, for me, in many ways, that is has become a was. Because I now know that, had I not gone through that painful time of waiting, I wouldn't know the joy of being G's momma. And what an absolute JOY it is!

But...let's face the facts: I am back in the waiting room. And that is is still an is in other ways. Because it is hard not knowing if our family is complete. And it is hard wondering if G will have a forever friend in a sibling on earth or will have to (or, would that be a "get to"?) be my only earthly baby. And it is hard, thinking about those very painful, dark days when we were in the throes of our infertility battle.

I couldn't help but notice this morning how remarkably different that waiting looked to me this morning, two years, and some beautiful babies later. Not necessarily less sad; but more hopeful. And I guess that's where my heart is today. The sad: it's not gone. I don't think it ever will be. But I'm okay with that; the sad made me a better person in the end.

Because it taught me that Jesus redeems our pain.

Not through a baby.

Not through happy thoughts.

And, sometimes, not for a long time.

But He does, in His own, beautiful, mysterious way. He redeems it. He is continuing to redeem it. And He takes that sad thread, weaves it with a thread of hope, and continues to make a beautiful masterpiece of my life.

So here it is. The waiting room. Except this time, I'm trying hard to not wait on my own desires, but truly wait on the Lord.

I'm ready I think, I pray, I hope Lord. I'm ready to wait again. With great hope. In You.

game on

That's right, infertility. I'm looking at you. Right. at. you.

AF made her grand appearance last night.

Which means we are on CD2...and in about 6 weeks, I'm bringing my totsicles home, where they belong! And then, we may have a baby Ro #3 (and maybe #4!!!) on the way in SIX WEEKS?!?!?!?! But even if we don't, even if He decides our family is complete...we praise God for our sweet little G-man, and our Eli, Mun and Hoon, in heaven. They have filled my heart with so much love (and a longing for Heaven) and we feel. so. freaking. blessed.

But our embies await. Knowing G makes me want to say, "Get in mah belleh!" (actually, the correct phrase would be "Get in mah uterus!" but you get the idea) right away...because I can't stand the idea of my embabies somewhere else but home. Either in my home, or in our eternal Home.

Don't mistake this post as hedging. Or unbelief. Or a lack of faith. I believe God can do anything! He is a God of miracles. But that miracle could be baby #3/4 OR it could be a peace in my heart that surpasses all understanding, even when the devil plays dirty and tries to kick me hard in the gut. Trust me. That peace is a miracle.

So....game on, infertility. I'm officially TTC again. And nothing....NOTHING....can stand in the way of what God wants to accomplish in my heart. Or in my family. You've got nothing on us!

still here

My blogposts have become scattered and few lately. Of course, as always, I am enjoying life with G and Mr. T, so I have plenty of pictures I need to upload and stories I know I need to document.

Like, how, this morning, G woke up around 4:00 a.m., a dreadful 45 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, and said "Umma?" ever so sweetly, patted my face, gave me a kiss, started rolling around and chatting up a storm, and then took my finger into his mouth and bit down hard.

"OW!" I exclaimed, "No biting!"

"NNNNNOOOOOO! NNNNNNOOOO!" He happily repeated, giggling and rolling around. In my stupor, I couldn't help but laugh and thank God for this hilarious little rugrat. I pulled him in close for a hug as I do every morning, he patted my face, and we fell back asleep.

Or things like how my baby just LOVES clapping. I mean looooooooves it. After dinner, the Ro household watches "Wheel of Fortune" (which I am amazingly good at...sometimes I can guess the puzzle after 1 or 2 letters...a fact that equally infuriates Tom because I am better at it than he...a rarity!...and has him in a frenzy trying to get us rich by getting me on the show. But, I digress...) and G loves to clap with the contestants and audience whenever they are waiting for the finicky wheel to stop or a contestant has solved a puzzle. It kind of amazes me how he knows the sound of a clapping audience...I mean, does it really sound like clapping to you? I don't know. But...I caught this on video when we were watching the Golden Globes:

Precious. fleeting. moments.

I read a lot of blogs. I read parenting blogs. I read infertility blogs. I read faith blogs. I read funny blogs. I read sad blogs. I read inspirational blogs.

I don't, and this blog, doesn't fit into any of those categories or do any of those genres particularly well.

So...why do I blog? What am I doing here? Does anyone even care about the insignificant details of my life? I have been asking myself that for the past couple of months, trying to figure out whether or not I should shut down this site, or sign off indefinitely.

But then...I got an email from a sweet friend who is a new mom a couple of days ago saying that she had been reading the posts I had written when I was still in my postpartum haze, and that it was helpful. I have another dear friend who also is a new mom who told me once that she likes reading back on some posts because they helped her kind of anticipate what she could expect in pregnancy, labor/delivery and the first few months of motherhood. Aside from the slight embarrassment of knowing that they were reading this horribly written, not-so-great advice, I was so touched that they would even care to read about my experience.

Frankly, I don't think I have any fantastical insight on parenting. There are some super moms out there who seem to have it all together. That is so. not. me. I feel like I'm fumbling all the time. But this is my little corner of the interwebz, and so I suppose I get to say it like I see it. And how I see it is this: life is messy and hard and beautiful and breathtaking and hilarious, and it's all going to be ok.

And so, I'll confess, when I'm feeling totally inferior to those awesome bloggers, or I'm feeling anxious about the fact that I'm kind of barely passing on this "mommyhood" gig, or I'm comparing my mess of a life to "those" people with their perfect lives, sometimes I'll go back and read some of my old posts and say..."Oh. It's all going to be ok. My life is pretty amazing. Messy, but amazing. I may not have it all together or be the most beautiful, talented, and popular person in the world, but God has my life in His hands. And He can make my rubbish, my mistakes, and my missteps into amazing."

And that's why I've blogged and will continue to blog. 'Cause I want to remember how He has continued to do just that in my life, one single messy, silly, and glorious moment at a time. And, even if no one else ever reads any of this nonsense, my hope is that G will want to look back at some of these posts someday and say, "Yeah, Umma. I see it. God is amazing. Everything IS going to be ok."

a recap

Hello, friends! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! Nevermind that Christmas was so.last.year...and we are already almost two weeks into 2012. But alas, time seems to move faster and faster these days and I look up and I see that three weeks have passed since I last blogged! ACK!

I thought about trying to catch up with our Christmas and New Year's activities...but, really, it was a pretty low key time for us. But...for posterity's sake...I will sum it up in bullet points.

Eh-hem.

• We decided not to brave the cross-country trip to California because we had been home in October for my SIL's wedding.
• I really regretted that decision.
• I regretted it because I really missed being with family.
• But I loved being with my boys.
• AF came on Christmas morning, and I looked at Tom and said, "It's a Christmas miracle!"
• Only an IFer could truly appreciate my sentiments about that.
• We didn't get G any presents because he got so much for his birthday, and our house is overflooding with toys.
• We have much too generous friends.
• Seriously.
• I had noble intentions of making something for him...which I still plan to do...when I get my act together.
• My act might not come together until...2013.
• I don't think G noticed we didn't get him any presents.
• My tree is still up.
• My tree is still up because G loves it.
• The word "tree" is one of his first words. He points at the tree and says, "tttrreeee." Or something like that.
• He also points to the lighted garland on our staircase and says, "tttrreeee."
• Should I have corrected him the first time he said that?
• "Garland" just doesn't roll off the tongue like "tttreeee."
• OK, I'll confess: My tree is still up because I'm lazy.
• My tree is also still up because I never got around to getting my boys in front of the Christmas tree for a family picture.
• My tree is artificial. And I am darn proud of it, because a) I don't have pesky needles all over my house, and b) it allows me to take family Christmas pictures in mid-January.
• Or mid-February. Whatevs.
• For NYE, our dear friends, Grace and Peter came over with their sweet boy, CB. The boys actually were sleeping the whole time we hung out.
• We were really classy that night.
• We ate chili-cheese fries.
• What? They were yummy.
• Then we whipped fresh cream and ate it with strawberries.
• Grace also brought her delicious, melt-in-your-mouth choc chip cookies.
• Someone-ehhemtomnotme dipped his choc chip cookies in the freshly whipped cream.
• We watched the New Year's Rocking Eve and the Rocking New Year's Eve shows.
• It was nice and simultaneously freaky to see Dick Clark.
• We were convinced he is actually a robot from the future.
• I'll stop now.

I hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas and wish you many blessings in the New Year!