it's beginning to look a lot like christmas!

Friends, I love this time of year.  Christmas is such a wonderful time of the year...first and foremost because we get to celebrate our Savior's birth.  My cousin put this line from "O Holy Night" as her facebook status, and it's one of those lines that just give me the chills whenever I hear it:

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"

Yes.  YES!  YES!!!

Oh goodness.  I love Christmas.

For the past two years, I put up two trees...one in our living room and one in our family room.  But this year, due to my precious little one and our precious little sleep, I could only manage one tree (much to Tom's great delight--bah humbug!).

Hmm...I feel a story (with pictures!) coming on...

'Twas many nights before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except maybe a Scout:

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care:

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there (to fill the awesome Santa bags that Auntie A got for G and S):

The child was nestled all snug in his (makeshift) bed, while visions of sugar plums danced in his head:

Hehe.  That was fun.

We ventured out to see Santa at the mall.  G was so excited to see Santa that he fainted when he actually saw Santa:

My sister saw the pic and said, "Either that is the smallest baby or the giantest Santa ever."

Yes and yes.

Isn't he a very convincing Santa?  Oh...of course he's the real Santa! :)

We also picked up our very first ornament with G in our family:

Oh, and it looks like we might have a white Christmas, because it snowed a couple of inches yesterday!

Which means Tom and his trusty sidekick Scout had shoveling duty.

While I stayed in and snuggled with this cutie:

Who turned 3 weeks a week ago:

And although he is 4 weeks today, I won't post his 4 week pics because I'm moving on to monthly pics with the blocks - so we'll take a one month picture on Sunday.  Don't worry...Grandma checks this blog so we'll have other pics without the blocks. :)

Phew, that's all folks.  G has been going through somewhat of a growth spurt over the past few days, so we haven't been getting much sleep, so I'm wiped.  Gonna try and catch some zzzs before he wakes up for his next feed.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

letting go

Oh dear, it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. Part of it is because of the lack of time and fatigue, part of it is writer's block. It's hard for me to believe that I've been having such a hard time finding things to write about, because so much has happened....and yet, I think the exhaustion and the fact that everyday has sort of felt like "Groundhog's Day" has something to do with it.

Anyway, I am loving being a mom. It's not at all like I expected it to be...it's a lot harder and a lot more rewarding than I ever could have imagined it. Grant has completely stolen my heart and I love him in a way that I didn't know was possible.

But yeah...it's HARD. My friend J suggested the topic of "what I wish I had known" or "what is most surprising" and I have to say that the one thing that sticks out in my mind is the subject of breastfeeding.

Before Grant was born, I said that I'd be OK if I didn't breastfeed. I think of all those commercials for formula that say something like, "Breastmilk is best, but for all your other needs trust [insert formula brand here]." I've seen some of my friends beat themselves up over not being able to breastfeed, and I told them and myself that I just wasn't going to do that to myself. After all, I was raised on formula, and I turned out fine.

Well, my friends, I confess: I have cried many many tears over the last few weeks because breastfeeding is so hard. Actually, the word "hard" doesn't even capture the whole experience. I read things beforehand...and let me say, the "experts" have lots of opinions that seem very reasonable.

Don't feed formula supplements in a bottle.

Don't use nipple shields.

Don't give a pacifier.


I tried so hard to avoid violating all of those cardinal sins. I tried. But Grant had jaundice and was losing weight, and the only way to get rid of the jaundice and bring him home was to feed him formula. Did it backfire? Yes and no. We were able to manage his jaundice and he gained weight. But he did not want to breastfeed at all. Which was totally understandable because drinking from a bottle is so much easier than drinking from the breast.

Let me tell you, I never thought the mere sight of bottle nipples would stir crazy amounts of resentment in me. But as I cleaned them night after night for the first week, I looked at them with such disdain because Grant soooooo loves his bottles and he cries like I am torturing him about 50% of the time we breastfeed.

But, I stuck with it and saw a lactation consultant who suggested nipple shields. The "experts" say not to use it, especially long term...but it made a world of a difference and has made breastfeeding possible where it wasn't happening before. We still have our little battles, but we haven't touched a bottle since!

Then came our marathon 2.5 hour nursing session. Puzzled and overwhelmed, I issued a plea for help on facebook, and someone said he is probably a comfort sucker. The "experts" say that you shouldn't introduce a pacifier until at least 1 month...but it's been a lifesaver for us.

It occurred to me that this is one of the first of many lessons I need to learn as a parent: to let go of my expectations and, more importantly, others' expectations. It's hard to not feel like there's only one right way to do things. A lot harder than I thought it would be. But, we are figuring things out for ourselves and doing what works for our family. Sure, Grant and I continue to have tearjerking breastfeeding moments, but then he looks up at me with his beautiful eyes and all of it just melts away.

Well, I've managed to write a novelette. I guess to reward you, I'll leave some pictures of my little baby's first two weeks...he's cute...but hey, I'm his mama...I'm supposed to think that. :)

Thanksgiving Day...food, football, and family!

 

 

 

 

Grant at 1 week

Grant at 2 weeks

Grant and his buddy Scoutie

Uh oh, the G man is crying.  Time to feed!!!  Until next time....

a baby grant story

Sorry for the delay in posting this...it's been a great, but tiring first week with Grant home. I still can't believe Grant is here...and that this amazing little human is my son! All I can say is that God is an amazing and I'm so thankful for our little miracle.

So...as I was thinking about our birth story, it's pretty boring, actually. But hey, boring = no complications, and I'll take boring any day! Regardless, I'd like to remember as many details as possible...so I'm going to write it out anyway. So, without further ado.....

On Thursday, I started noticing a lot more discharge than usual (sorry--TMI, I know). I kind of had a feeling something was happening...then again, I'd had "feelings" before, so I didn't want to put too much hope in this newest feeling. I did tell my sister, though, that I thought something was going to happen within the next 24 hours.

Around midnight that night, I started having contractions. At first, I thought I just had to go to the bathroom really badly (sorry, this is TMI, too!) but then I started noticing the feeling was recurring about every 20 minutes or so.

Tom and I decided to head to bed, and I was able to sleep through the contractions until around 2:00 a.m., when the contractions became stronger and I could no longer sleep through them. From that point, I tried to practice the breathing techniques that we learned our birthing class. They sort of helped me get through each wave of contractions...sort of. At around 4:30, my contractions were about 8 minutes apart, and I woke Tom up, because I was so uncomfortable (for lack of a better word). I got in the bathtub and sat in the warm water, and later moved to a shower, both which helped. We then decided to finish packing our bags with our "day of" packing list.

At 7:30 a.m., my contractions were finally at 5 minutes apart. We dropped Scoutie off at her buddy Piper's house, and headed to the hospital. We were worried about traffic because it was rush hour, but thankfully, traffic was relatively light. We arrived at the hospital around 9:00 a.m. and were admitted to triage, where the doctor determined that I was about 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced...they said I could be admitted! I then asked when I could get my epidural...and she said anytime. Music to my ears. I walked over to our labor and delivery suite, where we met our fabulous nurse, T.

Let me just pause here for a minute to recognize nurses. I really like my doctor, but the people who really did all of the hard work during my labor and delivery and post-partum care were the nurses. They truly are amazing, hard-working people, and I so appreciated all of them.

Anyway, I asked Nurse T when I could get the epidural, and she notified the anesthesiologist. He came in at around 10:30, and I literally shouted for joy and told him I was so excited to see him. He replied, "Yeah, I'm a pretty popular guy around here." Ha ha. I would like to say at this point that there is a reason why he's so darn popular. Sure, the epidural wasn't painless to say the least, but I.LOVED.MY.EPIDURAL. I really admire the strength women have to go through labor/delivery naturally, but it really helped me sleep and prepare for the big push.

After the epidural, Dr. H. came and broke my water and Nurse T administered pitocin. It only took an hour for me to dilate to 5 cm. I spent most of the day sleeping and eating ice chips.

At around 5:45 p.m., Nurse T said I was ready to start pushing. Like I said before, Nurse T was AMAZING. She was just the type of person I needed to help me through labor--no nonsense, but encouraging in just the right way. More amazing was my dear dear Tom. I wasn't sure how I needed him to be, but he was just so supportive and encouraging, even when I couldn't respond, or worse, I was just screaming weird things and wanting to give up. Oh...yeah...I guess I should say that though the epidural made me numb to contractions, pushing was NOT pain-free. I felt all of the pressure--maybe not all of the pain--but it definitely hurt like nothing I've ever felt before, and pushing required a tremendous amount of energy. At some point, I yelled, "Can't you just get this baby out already???" Tom thought I was going to give up. I think I was just frustrated because I thought it was going so long.

Turns out, I *only* pushed for one hour, which is apparently a great time for a first time mom. It seemed like forever to me, though. It may sound cliche, but when Grant came out at 6:48 p.m., it was the most amazing feeling and I quickly forgot the previous hour of pushing. And the sound of his cry was the most amazing sound I've ever heard.

Tom cut the umbilical cord, and they put Grant on me for a few seconds. All I remember was looking at his tiny, blue-gray hands before they swept him away to the warming/cleaning area. Tom was super excited and I had to remind him to take the camera to take Grant's first pictures. In the meantime, Dr. H. stitched me up. For some reason, I felt that part...even though people say I shouldn't have. Hmm...maybe my epidural was not as strong as I had hoped?

When they brought Grant back to me, as he laid on my chest, I was deliriously happy, yet, I felt a deep sadness that Eli wasn't here with us, too. My only comfort was and is that Eli is home and whole, and I get the amazing privilege to be Grant's mom here on earth.

Our stay at the hospital was amazing, thanks to the amazing nursing staff. Unfortunately, Grant had jaundice, so he had to go under phototherapy. He also was losing too much weight, so we had to supplement with formula, which has proved to make breastfeeding a very difficult challenge over the past week. Because his numbers didn't improve, Grant had to stay a night longer than our insurance allowed me to stay in the hospital. I was devastated that we would have to leave Grant overnight.

Right before Tom and I started to pack, our nurse came in and said that, because the hospital was not at full capacity that night, we could stay the night in our room, but could not receive any services. I was so happy that I almost cried tears of joy. It was a hard night because Tom had to go to the nursery and get Grant every three hours. But it was so worth it.

The next morning, the labs showed that Grant's bilirubin levels had stabilized, so he didn't have to stay under the phototherapy lights, but the pediatrician wanted him to stay in the hospital and get tested 8 hours later. This meant that we needed to stay in the "day room"--which is basically a glorified waiting room. Grant passed, and we got to leave at 6:30 p.m.!

All to say, we were all really exhausted...and I'm starting to feel human again now. It's been a fun week with Grant. I look at him and the word love has a whole new meaning.

Wow--if you've gotten this far, I give you a virtual gold star. If I could sum up this post in three words, it would be: so worth it. Grant is so worth everything--the heartache, the pain, the wait, everything. Tom and I feel so blessed and are so grateful to our awesome God, for entrusting us with this special little kid. Our lives will never be the same.

happy birth day, grant!

Oh such tears of joy, I’ve never known
I can’t remember
It’s like a song, I’ve never heard
I’ve never sung, but know the words...

 Grant Jihoon Ro
11.19.10 | 6:48 p.m. | 6 lbs. 3 oz. | 21 in.

It was love at first sight.

Birth story to follow...when I am awake enough to write a coherent one. :)  

signs...or not...

Dear Grant,

Won't you come out to play?

I had a dream last night that my water broke.  I was estatic.  That was my first labor dream.

That's gotta be a sign, no?

I bought your stroller today.  I have been waiting patiently for the 2011 model to come out, and lo and behold, on a very short trip to Babies R Us, I snagged the only 2011 model they had...which had just come in this morning.  It was even in the color we wanted!

That's gotta be a sign, no?

Grant, your mommy is going nuts on day 20 of bedrest.  Today, I caught myself having a conversation with Scout.  I asked her to try and persuade you to come out.  She looked at me knowingly, and then rested her head right where your heart is....

That's gotta be a sign, no?

At the very least, it's a sign that I'm losing it when I think Scout and I are having meaningful conversations.

Come out and play, little one!  There are lots of us out here who'd like to meet you!

Love,
Mommy

seasons

Today's post is a difficult one for me to write.  I debated whether or not to write it because I simply don't know what to say.  But my heart is heavy, and I felt like I couldn't just let it pass without writing something.

Yesterday, I received news that my former supervisor, S, passed away over the weekend.  She had been quietly battling cancer for less than a year, and because she didn't tell me about it, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I appreciated her mentorship and friendship.

This morning, I thought about how much has changed in the last year.  Last year at this time, I was still working at my old job, for S.  I was not pregnant, but in the process of changing my insurance plan so we could pursue IVF.  This year, I'm at a new job, about to give birth, and S is gone...and I'm experiencing a very different kind of grief.

S was much more than just a supervisor; she was a friend and a mentor.  Professionally, she trusted me a lot and gave me a lot of responsibility and freedom to grow.  I look back at the time I worked for her, and I realized that I learned a lot and gained a lot of confidence because of her.  When I told her about my new job, she was not only understanding, but she encouraged me to pursue it because she had my best interests at heart--even though my leaving would mean she'd have to go through a very annoying hiring process to rehire and retrain for my position.

On a personal level, she was a great cheerleader, too.  I had confided in her about our infertility issues, and she was so supportive.  When she found out I was pregnant, she was so excited.  I was really looking forward to introducing her to Grant.  She had two sons, her oldest my age, and she often extended the same type of motherly concern to me and my colleagues she did to her sons.  She adored and would just glow whenever she talked about them--she just exuded what it meant to love with a mother's love.

She was really hard-working and well-respected by people all over the Department and the Hill.  She was the "expert" in so many areas, and the "go-to" person.  She was hysterical, oftentimes not even knowing how hysterical she was...I loved her dry humor and it was rare for a day at work to pass without laughter.

Life is funny.  I am so excited about Grant's impending birth, but now I am mourning S's passing.  Right before I heard the news about S, I was at the doctor's office, being told that my blood pressure looked "beautiful" and that my risk for preeclampsia is extremely low at this point.  Joy.  Sadness.  And so is life.

My thoughts and prayers are with S's family and friends during this difficult time.  I will miss her deeply.  I know that for everything, there is a season.  I only wish I got to say goodbye.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

38 weeks: i wanna hold your hand

Your baby has really plumped up. He weighs about 6.8 pounds and he's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). He has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold his hand for the first time! His organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb.

Yup.  Still here.  G seems to be really comfy here in my uterus.

I've obviously lost track of time, because I thought I was on day 10 of bedrest.  It's actually day 17 of bedrest.  I'm glad we're still here, because week 38 is when the risks of cerebral palsy significantly decrease and, for the most part, all of Grant's organs are fully formed. 

But I'm having a hard time sleeping.  People say it's my body's way of preparing me for the sleepless nights ahead.  I can't say that it's comforting, but at least I know I won't be sleeping through Grant's cries for feedings and diaper changes.  I can't say as much for Tom, who seems to be able to sleep through anything.

In the meantime, I am still here.  Watching Korean videos that my cousin sent me (thanks, Susie!) and hanging out with the Scouters, who has resigned herself to the fact that I just am not able to play with her.  I'm worried that this bonding time, where she and I are just laying on the couch together all day, is going to make her transition to welcoming Grant that much harder.  We've had a couple of visitors bring their kids by in the past couple weeks, and she's just loved all the kids...so it makes me happy to know that she'll be good with Grant.

Oh...and I forgot to mention that we have an official induction date.  I go in on the evening of the 23rd, and will probably give birth sometime on the 24th.  The nice thing about Grant staying in until then is that my mom will definitely be here when he's born.  If not, we'll just have to get her here on the soonest flight available after I go into labor.

I'd sure like to meet this kid and hold his hand soon, though.  :)