random fun

During Tom's parents' recent visit to the VA, FIL bought us each a regular sized Snickers bar.  I could only eat half, and even before I finished that half, I found myself getting sick of it.  Which is so weird because I think Snickers is about the best candy bar ever.

It was then that I realized that Snickers is best in a fun size portion.  The minis are just too small and you have to eat at least two to be happy.  And I just enjoyed a delicious fun size Snickers bar, so I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm right about this. :)  Mmmmmmm....Snickers really satisfies.

Many of you know that I love the show Glee.  Really, I love most musicals.  There are many reasons...but one of the main reasons is that, oftentimes, while I'm walking down the street, I sing a song to myself in my head and I pretend like I'm in a music video.  I even walk to the beat of the song.  The songs vary, depending on my mood, the weather, and other nonsensical factors.  Glee and musicals validate my lifestyle choice to be a weirdo.  But hey, the way I see it, I'm a happy weirdo.  If everyone in the world broke out into song from time to time to express their feelings, it would be a happier, more peaceful place.  (Actually, I don't know if I really believe that, but hey...I'm in lala land, so I'll just go with it.)

Random, I know.  That's just what is going on in my brain right now.  One day left before the weekend!  Hooray!

laugh with me

I know my posts lately have been a little sad...sorry.  I was thinking..."Lord, could you give me something to write about that isn't so...dreary at times?"  Well, ask and you shall receive, my friends--as you'll see, God is so awesome at answering prayers. 

I was reading Beth Moore's blog today and her post, entitled "Laugh With Me" was just what I was needed...her devotional today was about Sarah and how when she found out she was pregnant, she said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me."

Thinking back now, when I saw those two beautiful pink lines for the first time and the ultrasound of the babies the first time, all I could do was laugh.  It struck me as odd at the time because (as most of you know) I am a big-time crier.  Everytime one of those "16 and Pregnant" girls gave birth, I would just be overcome with tears.  So, I thought I should have reacted by crying at my own joyful news.  And yet, when we learned about the bean and Elioenai, all I could do was laugh.  Interestingly...when Tom proposed, no tears, either--just laughter...not laughing at him, of course...I was just so happy and in disbelief at how lucky I was for him to be asking me to marry him!  I think he was shocked (maybe even disappointed) I didn't cry because he came all prepared with Kleenex.  Isn't he soooooo cute?  :)  I guess when my heart is filled with so much joy, I just can't contain the laughter!

Well...I am so thankful that God brings me laughter.  I'm so thankful, too, that I married someone who never fails to make me laugh, and that God continually brings people into our lives who laugh with us.  I hope the bean is a joyful, happy, laughing child.  I can almost imagine his/her first sweet laugh. 

Thank you so much for sharing in our joy.  Tom and I are beyond blessed.

16 weeks: holy guacamole

Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

The bean's the size of an avocado!  I love me some avocado! :)

I've been sick for the past few days.  It started with a sore throat, then my ears started hurting.  I usually just wait things like that out, but I wanted to make sure nothing I had would hurt the baby and, frankly, I was feeling pretty miserable, so I stayed home on Friday, and went to the doctor.  But, my doctor's visit reminded me once again why I prefer to just wait things out.  He kindly told me that I had some fluid behind my ears, but that I should go home, take some Sudafed for my congestion, gargle with salt water, and drink honey lemon tea.  All for the bargain price of $20.  I just know, though, that some day, I will stay home and then have some fatal disease and end up doing a lot of damage to myself by not going to the doctor.  Lovely.

I've moved back to a schedule where I get every other Monday off, in exchange for working an hour more every day.  I love these precious days off.  It's nice to lounge around the house and spend some time with my precious Scoutie.  Today, we watched a marathon of episodes of MTV's "16 and Pregnant."  I have to confess that, as an infertile, watching most of those girls go through pregnancy and the first months of the babies' lives made me want to throw things at the TV.  Not all, but some of the girls just complained about how they wanted to go out with their friends and party, and how they expected their moms to watch their babies.  Don't even get me started about the boys.  Not one of them was remotely involved in their babies' lives.  I'm not sure why I kept watching, but through each episode, I couldn't help but think...."WHY would God let these young, immature kids have babies?  There are so many couples that would give their left arm to be parents and would be so good at it...but He lets these spoiled little brats have the precious experience of being mothers and fathers?"  And my green friend, Envy, accompanied by her sidekick, Bitterness, were delighted to be invited in to my little pity party.

As I've mentioned, our infertility journey was filled with really dark moments.  Moments where I would just sit there and look at people who had no problem conceiving and think..."WHY THEM, GOD...WHY NOT ME?!?!"  My heart would just fill up with envy and bitterness and I would just turn into an ugly ugly ugly (did I mention, UGLY?) person.  I hated being that person.  I noticed that I became that person whenever I looked around instead of upward....when I was focused on God and who I am in His eyes, I was fine.  But the minute I started looking around and started comparing my life to the lives of those around me, it was SO hard to not be envious of where they were.  

As for the pregnancies of those who seem to be "undeserving" of the gift of parenthood...I was reminded of two Bible stories that Jennifer Saake pointed out in her book "Hannah's Hope": 

"An angel said to unloved Hagar, "You are now with child...for the Lord has heard of your misery" (Genesis 16:11). And of Jacob's wife, the Scriptures say, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb" (29:31). While it can be anguish for us to watch, I think sometimes God allows those "unloved" women in our lives the gift/trial of pregnancy to demonstrate His love to them."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I'm better off than these women, but I've come to realize that God uses different gifts and trials in each of our lives to bring us closer to Him.  Our trial certainly brought us closer to Him in a way that I'm not sure we would've experienced without it.  For those girls, God brought the joy and pain of being a mother for a purpose unknown to me...but I do know that those babies will give their mommies a love that no one else on this earth will. And once again, I'm reminded why we can say, "blessed be Your name" in whatever circumstances we find ourselves.  Because He can use those desert times...those dark times...and make them into something beautiful.  The struggle for me, even today, is learning how to look upward instead of outward.

the rest of the story

Hello there.  Welcome!  Some of you have been reading this blog for quite some time, and some of you are new here, since I just made our blog public.  For you newbies, we started this blog a few months ago, when we started our IVF (in vitro fertilization) treatments, mostly to let our families and friends know what was going on and what they could pray for.  If you would like to see where we started, you can read one of our first posts here.

Along the way, it's become a place where we (well, really, I) have been able to share about our journey through infertility...a road that is sometimes painful and ugly, but sometimes mysteriously beautiful.

If you've never struggled with infertility, you are so blessed.  Chances are, though, that you know someone struggling with infertility, as 1 in every 6 couples in the US are diagnosed with infertility.  And, as you'll see in our case (if you feel compelled to go back and read through the entries), it's not always as easy as "drinking from the same water cooler as the other pregnant women" or "relaxing and going on vacation" to get pregnant.  Infertility can be a devastating force on a person's faith, well-being, relationships and marriage. It can be a lonely journey.  And, frankly, it doesn't always end happily.

I used to listen to Paul Harvey, the late ABC radio broadcaster, when I lived in Arizona.  I always loved his feature called "The Rest of the Story" which would look beneath the surface of a story or a public figure.  I found them intriguing and I learned that things aren't always as simple as they appear.  Well, though we are so thrilled to be pregnant, there is a "Rest of the Story" for us--it is a painful journey filled with loss...the loss of our baby's twin, Elioenai, our ability to blissfully enjoy this pregnancy...and, really, if I can simplify it this way: a loss of innocence.  But what we have gained in this journey is so amazing...we've gained deeper relationships with our family and friends, an awesome support network, a better understanding of what compassion means, a stronger, healthier marriage, a tested and more genuine faith, and our precious babies...one here, three in heaven.  Hopefully, through our blog, you will see our journey as we do...one where God has held us closely, comforted us in the painful times, provided for us in amazing ways, and given us a peace and joy that transcends our understanding...a peace and joy that came even before we were pregnant.

So yes, we're expecting our first baby.  And we are so excited to share our journey with you.  But I just wanted to tell you that getting here was not as simple as it may seem.  And that's the rest of the story.

15 weeks: ripping off the band-aid

Hello everyone!  We are 15.5 weeks today!  Hooray!  Per usual, here's the update on the bean...the apple of our eye:

Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds. Finally, if you have an ultrasound this week, you may be able to find out whether your baby's a boy or a girl! (Don't be too disappointed if it remains a mystery, though. Nailing down your baby's sex depends on the clarity of the picture and on your baby's position. He or she may be modestly curled up or turned in such a way as to "hide the goods.")

I went in yesterday for a checkup with my OB (who is the most fabulous doctor I have ever had), and I heard the bean's heartbeat for the first time.  I have never heard a sweeter sound.  The nurse had trouble finding the heartbeat for a while, so I was freaking out a little bit--especially since I've been having recurring nightmares of a doctor/nurse telling me, "I can't find a heartbeat."  That 30 seconds of nothing felt like an eternity...but, oh, the joy I felt in hearing the nice strong heartbeat is inexplicable!  No ultrasound, though...so no guesses on whether we'll be on team pink or blue.  Our big appointment is in 4-5 weeks, so hopefully the bean will cooperate and show us "the goods" then.  :)

Yesterday was also a big day because it was the day I told my boss and coworkers about our bean.  I was really nervous.  It had been stressing me out because I am new here, and I wasn't sure how our news would be received.  Many of you were on the receiving end of my endless questions and need for support on how to break the news at work, and finally, my friend A said, "Tina, just rip the band-aid off."  Ack.  I hate ripping band-aids off.  I'm so chicken.  But, I went in and told them and everyone was estatic and genuinely happy for me.  Praise the Lord.  It's such a blessing to be in a place where people support your family life and goals.  In fact, when I told my boss, "Don't worry, I have every intention of returning," he responded, "Well, that's something you'll have to decide when the time comes."  I do have every intention of returning, believe me, but it is priceless to work for someone who understands the dilemma so many working women face when it comes to their families.

I've also decided to rip the band-aid off this blog.  As of today, it will no longer be private.  It's a difficult step because, while you, my dear and close friends, have been so understanding and supportive, I don't know what others will think of me and our choices.  But I desire to let God use our story in whatever way He wants.  Whether it is to help raise awareness about infertility, or merely to extend my love, support, and prayers for others experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss, this is my way of saying, "Here I am, Lord....(use) me!"

So...holding my breath...and, here we go. :)

burden bearers

Although I experience this feeling quite often, today is one of those days when my heart aches for my infertile friends a lot.  Sometimes, in the thick of our struggles, it is hard to go to Jesus ourselves.  It is hard to ask for what seems impossible.  It is hard to ask for peace with our situations and how they may be resolved.  Today, I was reminded of this beautiful story from Mark: 

Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Mark 2:3-5

We have been so blessed with so many of these burden bearers who carried us to Jesus when we were too weak to get to him ourselves.  I'm certain that part of the reason we have our precious little bean and ended up having so much peace about our journey is because Jesus saw their faith.  Most importantly, rather than giving us this precious baby as the only answer to our prayers, He answered so many prayers for us to find our deepest satisfaction and joy in him, regardless of our circumstances. 

If you have a moment, please do me a favor today: be a burden bearer and take someone you know who is struggling with infertility to Jesus through prayer...or, if you don't know anyone, please say a prayer for one of my many friends, whom you may not know, but whom God knows so intimately and loves so much.

14 weeks: funny face

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches —  about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel his tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active.

Our bean is 14 1/2 weeks today!  Yay!  :)  I'm finally officially officially OFFICIALLY in my second trimester!  As I was reading this week's big developments, I couldn't stop thinking about Tom and the way he makes funny faces at babies and kids.  For some reason, babies and kids are always enthralled when they see Tom and can't stop staring and/or laughing.  I bet if the bean could see Tom, the bean would think daddy makes the funniest faces ever.  Oh, how I long for that day...when Tom is finally making OUR baby giggle with glee!

I'm still pretty tired, but am making an effort to try and get some moderate exercise in for my and the bean's sake.  We recently joined a new gym in a nearby neighborhood and I think I'm going to try swimming to supplement walks with Scoutie.  Poor Scoutie has been neglected since I got pregnant, as I have so little energy as is, and Tom is busy taking care of everything because of my fatigue.  Tonight, I took Scoutie for a long walk around the neighborhood (OMG it was cool, but humid!), and now she is passed out and dreaming away!  It's so nice because she's usually so hyper at night, but tonight, she's calm and tired.  Cesar Milan is right: an exercised puppy is a happy puppy. :)

Speaking of exercise...I'm thinking of trying prenatal yoga.  Any of you out there recommend any prenatal yoga dvds?