bittersweet morning

We went in for our 10 week appointment today.  At first, everything was exciting.  We saw both babies, and Baby A was bouncing around, having a grand old time.  Then, the doctor got silent and said after a bit, "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat on Baby B...and it isn't moving."  All I remember after that is the doctor saying the words "common," "25%," "IVF,"  and "don't worry."

This is a heartbreak like no other.  Goodbye, sweet baby.  You were not common to us.  You are not a statistic to us.  You are our one-of-a-kind, special baby and I am glad I got to have you for even these 10 short weeks.  I may never hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart.

Here is the last picture of our babies together.  Baby B is on the left.

hannah's hope

I've gotten quite a few emails lately from friends sharing about their own infertility journeys and asking me more about mine.  It's quite humbling that God has allowed me to share my story with them, and even more humbling to be entrusted with such precious and personal information.  I guess this is exactly why I started sharing about our struggles with people in the first place....when we first received our diagnosis, the most dominant feeling I had was isolation.  This was not a feeling that resulted from people shunning me or excluding me...rather, it was a self-imposed feeling of loneliness.  It just felt like no one I knew could understand the depth of my pain.  That's not true, of course...but that's how I felt.

Truth be told, I think I always had a sense that this would be my struggle, even from a very young age.  See...from the days of Sunday School until now, every time I heard the story of a barren woman in the Bible... Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth, Leah, the list goes on...my heart would be torn to shreds.  I had a weird sense of sisterhood and kinship with these women, as well as the inexplicable knowledge that, if God so chose this path for me, infertility would be my greatest struggle.  So I guess I always just knew.  I now know that God was preparing me for this time.

As I hear the stories of my friends who struggle with infertility now, my heart still tears to shreds.  I wish I could just give them all a big hug and I wish something I could do would make it go away.  Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work like that.  All I can do is pray and offer support.  It can be a long, lonely road...but it doesn't have to be.  My prayer is that each of them will find as great of a support network as I have...prayer warriors that will rally around them, and lift them when it seems that they can't go on themselves. 

There is a book called Hannah's Hope, written by Jennifer Saake, who founded the online forum hannahsprayer.org that I mentioned before.  In Hannah's Hope, Saake takes the story of Hannah from 1 Samuel and imagines what was going through Hannah's heart and mind, and discusses the emotions that come with infertility.  I found this book pretty early on in my journey, and I found it to be extremely comforting and helpful in processing my feelings.  It's also a great book for those of you who know someone suffering through infertility, as it gives some insight into how an infertile feels (sometimes it's so embarassing to share those feelings!) and also gives some practical advice on how to be a "burden bearer."  It's a quick read and I highly recommend it.

To all my infertility sisters...I am praying hard for God to bring you all that you desire. xoxo

9 weeks: the mini-vineyard

At nine weeks, our babies are now about the size of grapes.  Here's what babycenter.com says about them:

Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain.

So.very.cool.  Honestly, I am so in awe of how God is forming them right now.  I wonder if the babies can hear me with their tiny ears.  I can't wait to kiss their little mouths and their little noses.  Sometimes I want to just meet them so badly that it drives me to tears.  Sigh.  I am emotional, already, but these hormones are making me even more emotional!!!  :)

I fear that I am already starting to show...all of my clothes started feeling really tight on me.  I, of course, got the typical Korean mom lecture from my mom about how I'm not supposed to be showing yet, but I felt a little better when I read that a twin pregnancy body is what a singleton pregnancy body is eight weeks later. So, anyway, I decided to go on a maternity shopping spree this weekend. Luckily, I was able to find a bunch of bargains at Old Navy, H&M and Motherhood Maternity, and I think I'm set for the pregnancy...well, at least for a while!  May I say, these maternity dresses are mighty comfy!  If I'm going to be huge, I might as well get comfy!!!

By the way, we got the sweetest email from one of our pastors...he said that his two little girls remember us and our babies in their prayers every night, and if he forgets to pray for us, they will remind him!!!  What a blessing to have such awesome, little prayer warriors on our side!  We love you, O & N!  Now I'm tearing up again.  Sigh.  The Lord is good. :)

pomp and circumstance

Hi friends!  Thank you for all of your well-wishes and congratulations.  We are overwhelmed by your love and excitement.

Today, we are 8 weeks and 2 days, and we have officially "graduated" from Shady Grove onto our regular obstetrician. :)  We had our final ultrasound appointment with Dr. Greenhouse and his fabulous nurse, Julie.  Maybe it's because it was a good news type of appointment, but Julie was my favorite SG nurse by far.

I convinced Tom to take some videos of today's visit--there were about 8 short snippets in all, but I picked the four that I thought were the most exciting and embedded them below.  We also got quite a few shots of the babies.  Here are a few:

Two babies chillin':

Baby A's little arms:

Baby B's fuzzy head and tushie:

Unfortunately, because of the way the ultrasound works (and because Baby B is positioned behind Baby A), Baby B's pictures/ultrasound were not as clear as Baby A's. But the nurse assured us that they are both growing at the right pace.  Their heartbeats measured at 165 and 162 (a good range is 120-200), and they are measuring at 8 weeks!  (At their 6 week appointment, their heartbeats were 103 and 106, and they measured at 6 weeks!)

So all in all, things are looking good.  I have occasional bouts of nausea but nothing too severe, but the fatigue continues to haunt me every day.  We are just thankful for these little ones that God has so graciously entrusted to us. We are also thankful for all of you who have continued to journey with us and pray for us and our babies.  I shared about my anxiety over this pregnancy during my church small group bible study, and some of the ladies suggested I ask my friends and family to form a prayer chain.  Frankly, I really hate asking people for things--but they made me realize what a blessing it is to receive prayer...especially for the babies!  So, I've created a doodle link.  Please don't feel pressured to do so, but if you would like to sign up, we would really appreciate it if you could think of and say a quick prayer for our babies at a meal or another time that is convenient for you.  Here's the April/May link if you're interested!

http://www.doodle.com/dx27a7x4a2vdiu82

Well...thanks again for visiting!

gLeeks rule

Glee returns tonight!  Hooray!  It's been a LONG wait...but, good things come to those who wait...and the reward makes the waiting worth it!!! :)

I was reading my high school choir teacher's FB site and saw someone posted about how our choir would always sing the national anthem in the bus (in four part harmony, of course), every time we drove back in through the gates of the school.  LOL.  Sooooo dorky, I know.  But, I love it.  I am a true choir gLeek.  I miss singing in a choir, and the close friendships we formed.  Those were fun fun days.  Choir probably was one of the reasons I loved high school so much.  That, and learning.  I loved school.  Sigh.  In fact, I remember tearing up after some of my last college lectures because I was sad that I wouldn't be able to be in a classroom any longer.  I'll stop now...I sound pretty pathetic.  If it's any consolation to any of you, I only loved learning in law school for about a year and a half.  Then I was ready to be out (well--I guess mostly because I didn't enjoy being around so many future lawyers)! :)

Sometimes I think I missed my calling in life...I think I should've been a music teacher.  I think my high school choir teacher was really disappointed I didn't go into music education.  I sometimes think about it.  But I'm not sure I have the patience it takes to handle hundreds of hormonal, crazy teenagers a year.  Or the stomach to handle tough budget cuts in tough times -- sadly...music and arts always go first!  Incidentally, today is the 23rd Annual Arts Advocacy Day.  Music has enriched my life so much...and I so appreciate all the music teachers in my life.  Go and hug an arts teacher today!!!!

By the way, I'm officially seven weeks, and halfway through my first trimester!  YAY!

the ants go marching...

Yup...you know the rest...two by two.  And yup, you've probably guessed it...we have two little ants in there!  Actually, the doctor said that they're the size of rice grains now.  Would you like to see them? Introducing, for the second time....the twins!!!

Dr. Browne had the screen pointed so only Tom could see it...and she said, "Dad--How many do you see?"  When Tom replied, "I see two", I almost fell off the table and said, "Are you sure?!?!"  And then I saw the two beautiful heartbeats for myself.  Whoa, mama.

On our way over, I asked Tom how many he thought there were, and he said, "Two."  But I was convinced that we only had one little one in there.  So convinced that I could only laugh when everyone kept saying, "Two!".

We are both in total shock.  This means we probably have, at most, 7 1/2 months before our little rice grains arrive.  So much to do!  One thing we need to take care of is replacing our dying Jetta.  I told Tom on Sunday that if we have twins, we need a minivan.  Tom has some irrational mental block against minivans and said that he wanted an SUV.  In the car ride over to the doctor's office, Tom was talking about some blah blah blah SUVs blah blah blah (so much for being certain of having two!), but after we got back in the car, he said..."So...I guess we should start looking at minivans?"  HAHA.  I win.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with two!  OH.MY.WORD.  TWO.

googling ginger

Tomorrow, I will be six weeks...and tomorrow we get to see our baby(ies) on the ultrasound for the first time since they first came "home."  Yay! :)

This morning, I've been dealing with the worst case of morning sickness (m/s) ever.  Like...to the point where I think that I have never really had morning sickness...those moments were NOTHING compared to how I'm feeling right now.  It's like a constant feeling of acid in my throat, ready to erupt at any moment.  I haven't thrown up yet, but I've been on the verge for about 3 hours.  (Sidenote: I hate throwing up.  And I hate public restrooms.  I'm terrified of having to throw up in a public restroom.) 

I'm trying to remember everyone's m/s tips and, so far, I've tried saltines, ginger ale, and peanuts...all of which have given me momentary relief...but that nasty feeling is still there.  I've heard that all ginger ale does is make you burp, so I need to go find some "real" ginger.  Where does one buy such a thing?  Do you just gnaw on a ginger root?  Or eat ginger snaps?  Or is there some magic ginger pill?  Time to consult my trusted friend, Google!

Agh.  Ask me anything about infertility...I probably know the answer.  When it comes to this pregnancy thing, though...I have no idea what I'm doing....