One of the wonderful privileges and joys I've had in this journey is to meet other women who have struggled with infertility. Some of them are "in real life" friends, and others are friends that I've met online in a Christian infertility forum called "Hannah's Prayer." As with any other type of life crisis, this shared journey instantly bonds "strangers" into a sisterhood that runs deeper than you can imagine...particularly because infertility is one of those things that are hard for people to share about with others.
My heart has been heavy for the last two days because of a wonderful woman I met on HP. I won't go into the details of her story, for they are not mine to tell, but she has suffered so incredibly much that I have been reduced to tears several times and I sometimes feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Honestly, there have been so many "dark" moments for me over the last few years--times when I've questioned God and why we've had to go through all of this...and I've often ended up with the "right" answers in my head, but a lack of understanding in my heart. And when I think about what this sister has endured, I cannot imagine how it is possible for one human to endure all of it and my heart literally hurts.
So, today, I feel sad. Sad for all the women who have lost their babies, whether they were 1 day old, like Mun and Hoon, or whether their mothers actually got to hold them in their arms. Sad for all the women who have had their hopes to become a mother dashed month after month, year after year. My only comfort and hope is that these babies are already in heaven, waiting to be reunited with their mommies and daddies. They'll just have heaven before we do.
Much love to you.
Glory Baby (Watermark)
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby
Heaven will hold you before we do, heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you
Miss you everyday, miss you in every way, but we know there’s a day when we will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away when we’re home to stay, can’t wait for the day when we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people through the growing and in knowing
That all things work together for our good and God works His purposes just like He said He would
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home and it’s all you’ll ever know
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
grumpy smurf
Today, I am 8dp3dt (8 days past a 3 day transfer), 11dpo (days past ovulation) and one week away from my official pregnancy blood test at the doctor's office (aka "beta"). Today...if they're still in there...the fishies are about 0.1-0.2mm big, and should be almost completely implanted into the lining of my uterus, like this: http://www.visembryo.com/baby/5.html (I found this cool website during one of my many google searches about this darn IVF stuff - it's a day by day picture that starts from conception to birth! Again--simply amazing!)
On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had no real symptoms except thirst and having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (which I think are related)...oh, and back pain...but I've had chronic back pain since I was in my early 20s. I started to freak out...but, apparently, there are lots of women who have no symptoms during the 2 week wait (2ww) who get pregnant. Oh...I guess I've been extremely hungry and I had a massive headache yesterday that is reemerging as I type. Haha. I guess I have had some symptoms.
This morning, I was washing something in the sink, and I smelled something and gagged. Yuck. Then ***TMI ALERT*** I noticed a little bit of spotting about an hour ago when I was in the restroom (if you're a boy, you can ask a girl what that means)...and that kind of freaked me out. I'm trying not to freak out, because the nurse at the clinic told me that it could happen, and that it was okay. I've also read that it could be "implantation bleeding", i.e. bleeding caused by the fishies burrowing into the lining of my uterus, which would make sense, given what stage we're in. And now I'm starting to get cramps....hmm....and none of my clothes fit. Sigh.
So...that's the physical...how am I doing emotionally? Well, as you may know, I really don't like to wait. That's the nice way of putting it. If I'm being real, I'm very impatient. I chalk it up to being the firstborn (and an only child for 5 years before my sister came along)...but usually when I ask for something or I want to do something, I expect it to happen right away. So, I know it's a big character flaw, and I used to ask God to teach me patience. Haha..I guess He's been teaching me patience through this whole infertility stuff. You know what they say...be careful what you ask for. ;)
So....now, I'm just sitting here waiting. And it's driving me mad. A lot of women who undergo fertility treatments take home pregnancy tests before they get their official pregnancy blood test (a.k.a. "beta") done. They start testing on the day of the transfer and monitor their hCG levels. See...remember the trigger shot? That contained the hormone hCG...which is what pregnancy tests detect when you're pregnant. So I've read on some online forums where women actually buy like 20 tests and start testing the day after their trigger, watch the postive pregnancy line go from dark to light until the trigger shot is out of their system, and then hope to watch the line go from faint to dark again. I didn't opt to do that....but now I'm kind of kicking myself for not doing it....I mean....for a few weeks, I was in the doctor's office and "in tune" with what was going on in my body. And then the transfer happened....and now it's just a 15-day period of radio silence. Boo.
So...I guess I'm feeling a bit anxious and fat. And caffeine deprived. I miss my Diet Coke (I decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners until who knows when....). I'm trying to have a good attitude, but, let's face it...today, I'm a grumpy smurf.
Thanks for praying for this grumpy smurf.
On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had no real symptoms except thirst and having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (which I think are related)...oh, and back pain...but I've had chronic back pain since I was in my early 20s. I started to freak out...but, apparently, there are lots of women who have no symptoms during the 2 week wait (2ww) who get pregnant. Oh...I guess I've been extremely hungry and I had a massive headache yesterday that is reemerging as I type. Haha. I guess I have had some symptoms.
This morning, I was washing something in the sink, and I smelled something and gagged. Yuck. Then ***TMI ALERT*** I noticed a little bit of spotting about an hour ago when I was in the restroom (if you're a boy, you can ask a girl what that means)...and that kind of freaked me out. I'm trying not to freak out, because the nurse at the clinic told me that it could happen, and that it was okay. I've also read that it could be "implantation bleeding", i.e. bleeding caused by the fishies burrowing into the lining of my uterus, which would make sense, given what stage we're in. And now I'm starting to get cramps....hmm....and none of my clothes fit. Sigh.
So...that's the physical...how am I doing emotionally? Well, as you may know, I really don't like to wait. That's the nice way of putting it. If I'm being real, I'm very impatient. I chalk it up to being the firstborn (and an only child for 5 years before my sister came along)...but usually when I ask for something or I want to do something, I expect it to happen right away. So, I know it's a big character flaw, and I used to ask God to teach me patience. Haha..I guess He's been teaching me patience through this whole infertility stuff. You know what they say...be careful what you ask for. ;)
So....now, I'm just sitting here waiting. And it's driving me mad. A lot of women who undergo fertility treatments take home pregnancy tests before they get their official pregnancy blood test (a.k.a. "beta") done. They start testing on the day of the transfer and monitor their hCG levels. See...remember the trigger shot? That contained the hormone hCG...which is what pregnancy tests detect when you're pregnant. So I've read on some online forums where women actually buy like 20 tests and start testing the day after their trigger, watch the postive pregnancy line go from dark to light until the trigger shot is out of their system, and then hope to watch the line go from faint to dark again. I didn't opt to do that....but now I'm kind of kicking myself for not doing it....I mean....for a few weeks, I was in the doctor's office and "in tune" with what was going on in my body. And then the transfer happened....and now it's just a 15-day period of radio silence. Boo.
So...I guess I'm feeling a bit anxious and fat. And caffeine deprived. I miss my Diet Coke (I decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners until who knows when....). I'm trying to have a good attitude, but, let's face it...today, I'm a grumpy smurf.
Thanks for praying for this grumpy smurf.
Monday, March 15, 2010
our little snowflakes
Well...the weekend was packed and so it went by quickly...here's to hoping that the next 11 days go by just as fast! Otherwise, it's been pretty uneventful...so we will just keep swimming, just keep swimming. :)
Dr. Greenhouse called with some great news today. Both of the embies made it through the week--now they are our dear little snowflakes and will wait for us until we can go back and get them. :) I was so excited that they both made it, that I completely forgot to ask the usual details about them. Dr. Greenhouse did say, however, that they are very nice-looking. Hopefully, they look something like this:
Dr. Greenhouse called with some great news today. Both of the embies made it through the week--now they are our dear little snowflakes and will wait for us until we can go back and get them. :) I was so excited that they both made it, that I completely forgot to ask the usual details about them. Dr. Greenhouse did say, however, that they are very nice-looking. Hopefully, they look something like this:
That's a high quality 5-day blastocyst. As you can see, the embies started to rapidly divide after we left the clinic last Wednesday...to the point where they had about 150 cells! Amazing! I tell you, for a gal who never really had much interest in biology, I am so awestruck.
So, what have RF and BF been up to? At this point, they should have "hatched" out of their oolemma (egg membrane) and started to implant into the lining of my uterus.
Cool, eh? As for me, I'm continuing to take estrogen and progesterone, and I've been having minor twinges of cramping, which I believe occurs because my uterus is expanding and because of the medication. This morning, for the first time, I felt nausea. I know this sounds weird, but I am praying for many, many more mornings of this feeling because it will mean that I have a growing baby(ies) inside of me!
Friday, March 12, 2010
my first, my last, my everything
Happy birthday to my dear husband, Tom! I surely am a lucky gal to have him. He's been a great source of strength and reason during the past few years...and, most importantly, he keeps me laughing. Infertility tends to take a great toll on a marriage...and if the health of our marriage was solely dependent on me, we'd probably be in pretty bad shape. But Tom is ever-patient, ever-loving, ever-optimistic, and all-around great.
Not only is he wonderful to me, he is a fun, generous, and kind friend to others. It is so evident that he loves life and lives with such gusto (as anyone who has watched him play Korean Taboo can attest). And I am so thankful for the way he loves to serve "behind the scenes" at our church. When I used to take those spiritual gifts inventories in college, and one of the gifts was "Helps", I thought, "Who on earth would really like to do that all the time?" Well...I married him...and I admire and respect him so much for it.
His only downfall? His love for the Lakers. HAHA. Kidding...kidding...sort of....:)
He's probably really embarrassed that I posted this, so I'll stop here. Happy birthday, Tom. I think you're pretty great. And so do your little fishies. They told me so. :)
Not only is he wonderful to me, he is a fun, generous, and kind friend to others. It is so evident that he loves life and lives with such gusto (as anyone who has watched him play Korean Taboo can attest). And I am so thankful for the way he loves to serve "behind the scenes" at our church. When I used to take those spiritual gifts inventories in college, and one of the gifts was "Helps", I thought, "Who on earth would really like to do that all the time?" Well...I married him...and I admire and respect him so much for it.
His only downfall? His love for the Lakers. HAHA. Kidding...kidding...sort of....:)
He's probably really embarrassed that I posted this, so I'll stop here. Happy birthday, Tom. I think you're pretty great. And so do your little fishies. They told me so. :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
one fish, two fish...
Red Fish, Blue Fish! (Get it? Fish? Bowl? Fishbowl? Teehee.) Here they are....right before Dr. Mottla so skillfully placed them safely in my uterus today!
Aren't they just gorgeous? Dr. Greenhouse said they look great, and Dr. Mottla said they are beautiful. I might be a little biased, but I have to agree. :)
We got to the Rockville office at 1:00 p.m., with a full bladder, as directed by my nurse. Unfortunately, they were running behind, so I sat in the waiting room for an hour trying to keep my mind off of the fact that I really needed to go to the restroom. Finally, at around 2:10, we were called back, instructed to put on some surgical booties and taken to the embryo transfer room. Dr. Mottla and Jennifer, our embryologist, came in and verified my identity....and then I laid down on the bed, Dr. Mottla guided a thin catheter inside to my uterus, the embryologist brought the fishies in from the lab, and then Dr. Mottla put them into the catheter and snuggled them safely into my uterus...all while we were watching the ultrasound screen and saw the little ones shoot inside! It was, in one word, amazing.
At the start of our infertility journey, I had a really hard time with the concept of IVF. I had always assumed that things would just happen the old-fashioned way. And I thought that IVF and science would somehow lessen the beauty and mystery of creation. I will tell you that, after today, I was so wrong. From seeing the picture of the little fishies and their perfect 8 cells, to looking at my uterus as the doctor placed them inside, I was just about moved to tears and absolutely blown away. Blown away by the fact that we could witness the miracle of life at such an early stage...2 beautiful miracles that are alive and growing (hopefully!) inside of me! This science just revealed the beauty, complexity, and the sheer miraculous nature of God's creation. Wow.
I'm now on 24 hours of bedrest. The nurse ordered Tom to take good care of me...but he didn't need those orders, he always takes great care of me!!! The nurse said that I cannot drink caffeine...good thing I've been trying to wean myself off of my Diet Coke for the last couple of months! Obviously I'm gonna miss my Diet Coke a lot...so Tom bought me some caffeine free Diet Coke. Isn't he the best?
The dreaded 2 week wait now begins before the big pregnancy test. I'm gonna try and relax and not think about it until then (yeah, right!). Thank you so so so so much for praying for the little fishies. They are already the luckiest babies alive to have you all in their corner. :)
Aren't they just gorgeous? Dr. Greenhouse said they look great, and Dr. Mottla said they are beautiful. I might be a little biased, but I have to agree. :)
We got to the Rockville office at 1:00 p.m., with a full bladder, as directed by my nurse. Unfortunately, they were running behind, so I sat in the waiting room for an hour trying to keep my mind off of the fact that I really needed to go to the restroom. Finally, at around 2:10, we were called back, instructed to put on some surgical booties and taken to the embryo transfer room. Dr. Mottla and Jennifer, our embryologist, came in and verified my identity....and then I laid down on the bed, Dr. Mottla guided a thin catheter inside to my uterus, the embryologist brought the fishies in from the lab, and then Dr. Mottla put them into the catheter and snuggled them safely into my uterus...all while we were watching the ultrasound screen and saw the little ones shoot inside! It was, in one word, amazing.
At the start of our infertility journey, I had a really hard time with the concept of IVF. I had always assumed that things would just happen the old-fashioned way. And I thought that IVF and science would somehow lessen the beauty and mystery of creation. I will tell you that, after today, I was so wrong. From seeing the picture of the little fishies and their perfect 8 cells, to looking at my uterus as the doctor placed them inside, I was just about moved to tears and absolutely blown away. Blown away by the fact that we could witness the miracle of life at such an early stage...2 beautiful miracles that are alive and growing (hopefully!) inside of me! This science just revealed the beauty, complexity, and the sheer miraculous nature of God's creation. Wow.
I'm now on 24 hours of bedrest. The nurse ordered Tom to take good care of me...but he didn't need those orders, he always takes great care of me!!! The nurse said that I cannot drink caffeine...good thing I've been trying to wean myself off of my Diet Coke for the last couple of months! Obviously I'm gonna miss my Diet Coke a lot...so Tom bought me some caffeine free Diet Coke. Isn't he the best?
The dreaded 2 week wait now begins before the big pregnancy test. I'm gonna try and relax and not think about it until then (yeah, right!). Thank you so so so so much for praying for the little fishies. They are already the luckiest babies alive to have you all in their corner. :)
no matter what
Thank you all for praying for our little ones. I know I've been pretty emotional...and it's probably due in part to the progesterone and estrogen I've been taking--which mimics pregnancy hormones...so I'll be getting all of those "fun" pregnancy hormone side effects that all you mommies (and daddies!) have been so fortunate to experience.
We got great news this morning...two of our little ones are 8-celled! They are what our clinic refers to as "Grade 1" embryos (1 being the best, 4 being the poorest in quality). The plan is to transfer them into my uterus at 1:30 p.m. today...hopefully they'll snuggle right in and make themselves comfortable for about 9 months. :) I'm going to ask the doctor today for a picture of the little ones...and hopefully I'll be able to introduce you to them tonight! I asked the doctor how the other two little ones were doing, and he said that one is 7-celled and one is 4-celled. The embryologists will watch and see if they grow over the next few days, and if they make it...then they'll become "snowflakes" that we can try to add to our family later. I am praying praying praying that they each make it to Friday or Saturday.
This morning, I read John Piper's twitter on the way to work...he twittered Psalm 52:7 - "No matter what. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever." I thought..."Yeah!" Although I trust my doctor and nurse to give me good advice, and I've entrusted my precious little ones to the hands of great embryologists...I trust in God's unfailing love infinitely more. I'm not being pessimistic, because I am so hopeful...but no matter what, I trust in the steadfast love of God forever. And my journey to "no matter what" has been a long one, my friends...believe me. But it's true. No matter what.
But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.
I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.
Psalm 52:8-9
We got great news this morning...two of our little ones are 8-celled! They are what our clinic refers to as "Grade 1" embryos (1 being the best, 4 being the poorest in quality). The plan is to transfer them into my uterus at 1:30 p.m. today...hopefully they'll snuggle right in and make themselves comfortable for about 9 months. :) I'm going to ask the doctor today for a picture of the little ones...and hopefully I'll be able to introduce you to them tonight! I asked the doctor how the other two little ones were doing, and he said that one is 7-celled and one is 4-celled. The embryologists will watch and see if they grow over the next few days, and if they make it...then they'll become "snowflakes" that we can try to add to our family later. I am praying praying praying that they each make it to Friday or Saturday.
This morning, I read John Piper's twitter on the way to work...he twittered Psalm 52:7 - "No matter what. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever." I thought..."Yeah!" Although I trust my doctor and nurse to give me good advice, and I've entrusted my precious little ones to the hands of great embryologists...I trust in God's unfailing love infinitely more. I'm not being pessimistic, because I am so hopeful...but no matter what, I trust in the steadfast love of God forever. And my journey to "no matter what" has been a long one, my friends...believe me. But it's true. No matter what.
But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.
I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.
Psalm 52:8-9
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
thirty-three
Today, I am 33...33?!?! When did that happen? I have to say, 33 was the first birthday that I have ever dreaded. But now that I'm 33...it feels no different than 32; although...33 feels very different from 23. Haha.
We found out today that two of our little embies did not make it. I am sad. Much sadder than I thought I would be. We decided to name each of them--"Mun", in honor of my awesome, wonderful family, and "Hoon", which is Tom's middle name...I'd like to think that Mun is a girl, and Hoon is a little Tom junior. I am sad that their lives were so short and that I will never get to know them here on earth. As some of you know, my dear grandma passed away about a year ago...and boy, did she love babies. Even in her last days, when she didn't necessarily recognize everyone around her, she LOVED babies and loved playing with her great-grandchildren. It always makes me so so so sad that she never got to meet my future children. Well...I'd like to think that Mun and Hoon went to heaven today and that my dear, loving grandma is holding them in her arms now.
The other four are still growing comfortably in their little incubator. One is a strong 4-celled emby, the other three are 2-celled. The doctor said that they are looking good so far, and that they think they can pick out the best two tomorrow for transfer. So, our transfer is set for 1:30 pm tomorrow afternoon! Amazing. I cannot believe it...this has been such a long journey...the fact that these embies may soon be growing inside of me literally takes my breath away! Please pray for our dear embies...that they grow and thrive in their little warm beds...and that the transfer is successful tomorrow.
Love you all!
We found out today that two of our little embies did not make it. I am sad. Much sadder than I thought I would be. We decided to name each of them--"Mun", in honor of my awesome, wonderful family, and "Hoon", which is Tom's middle name...I'd like to think that Mun is a girl, and Hoon is a little Tom junior. I am sad that their lives were so short and that I will never get to know them here on earth. As some of you know, my dear grandma passed away about a year ago...and boy, did she love babies. Even in her last days, when she didn't necessarily recognize everyone around her, she LOVED babies and loved playing with her great-grandchildren. It always makes me so so so sad that she never got to meet my future children. Well...I'd like to think that Mun and Hoon went to heaven today and that my dear, loving grandma is holding them in her arms now.
The other four are still growing comfortably in their little incubator. One is a strong 4-celled emby, the other three are 2-celled. The doctor said that they are looking good so far, and that they think they can pick out the best two tomorrow for transfer. So, our transfer is set for 1:30 pm tomorrow afternoon! Amazing. I cannot believe it...this has been such a long journey...the fact that these embies may soon be growing inside of me literally takes my breath away! Please pray for our dear embies...that they grow and thrive in their little warm beds...and that the transfer is successful tomorrow.
Love you all!
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